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Original poster

Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

191 replies

GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:27

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

OP posts:
grapewine · 06/11/2021 10:31

I'm with DP. Especially since last year she yelled at your children. I wouldn't be having that. It's his home, too. And it's your children's home.

Are you just going to have her over indefinitely? Think about it. I think he has been exceptionally accommodating, if I'm honest.

category12 · 06/11/2021 10:32

What did she say about her behaviour last Christmas?

I think it would make a big difference to me whether she recognised how it impacted everyone and if she would make efforts to be abetter guest this time round.

Otherwise, I'm leaning towards your dh's side.

Is there a halfway house where she could come for Xmas dinner but not stay?

RaininSummer · 06/11/2021 10:33

Difficult. Would it be possible to even tolerable to just invite her for dinner.

category12 · 06/11/2021 10:33

Or perhaps you go see her another day during the Xmas period?

IknowwhatIneed · 06/11/2021 10:33

She’s an adult, who can make her own choices. If she doesn’t want to go to her friend or her Nana, and wants to stay home and drink those are all choices she can make. It doesn’t mean you owe her a space at your family Christmas.

WinoAnon · 06/11/2021 10:34

Did you ever speak to her about her behaviour last Xmas? Could you say that she obviously wasn't in a good frame of mind last Christmas and it affected the children's day and see what she says from there?

I don't understand why she needs to literally be there the full 24 hours surely visiting for dinner and a few drinks after is enough?

Carboncheque · 06/11/2021 10:34

5 years of this? Your DH is a saint.

Original poster
GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:35

Neither os us drive and there's no public transport Xmas day so she couldn't really come for dinner as it would cost about £40 in taxis (she's unable to work due to her MH issues)

OP posts:
Bringonthepjs · 06/11/2021 10:35

With your DH

GaladrielHiggins · 06/11/2021 10:35

Never mind your partner, I think you owe it to your kids not to have someone in their home at Christmas that shouted at them on their last Christmas. I don’t like the idea of people being alone at Christmas, but she has already turned down two other offers and is in the headspace of wanting to get hammered then that’s a shit Christmas for your DP and kids if you invite her to yours.

Silenceisgolden20 · 06/11/2021 10:36

How would you feel if your Dps friend shouted at your kids? I can see why you want to be supportive to your friend, but you cant rescue her every year and be responsible for her Christmas. You sound a very kind friend but I would look after your family on this one. You can still be there for her.

Original poster
GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:36

@Carboncheque

5 years of this? Your DH is a saint.
He really is :(
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 06/11/2021 10:37

She has a choice of somewhere else to go, her Nan’s. She is making the choice to not go there and be on her own

Crumblinginside · 06/11/2021 10:37

I wouldn't have her. Shouting at your kids is no on and your dh doesn't want her there. You have to mind your own family first though I feel so sorry for her 😔

Original poster
GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:37

@GaladrielHiggins

Never mind your partner, I think you owe it to your kids not to have someone in their home at Christmas that shouted at them on their last Christmas. I don’t like the idea of people being alone at Christmas, but she has already turned down two other offers and is in the headspace of wanting to get hammered then that’s a shit Christmas for your DP and kids if you invite her to yours.
I do agree.

I think I just needed to write this to hear someone say 'it's ok to say no'

If you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:38

I mean she might, sometimes her nan goes abroad for Xmas so it may not be an option at all.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 06/11/2021 10:38

My grandparents would invite lonely randoms for Christmas my mother as a child hated it and still resents it at 70 plus!

BenJackinoff · 06/11/2021 10:38

Yeah I’m with your DH too. No way would I be inviting someone for Christmas ever again if they yelled at my kids in their own home on Christmas! Shock Fuck that for a joke.

category12 · 06/11/2021 10:40

It's OK to say no.

grapewine · 06/11/2021 10:40

She's expecting an invitation now, and that's taking advantage. Don't let her do that.

WinoAnon · 06/11/2021 10:40

Gosh I've just re-read and she stays for 3-4 days? That's so excessive! So many people literally work Xmas Eve and boxing day and only have Xmas day why does she need to stay for that long?!

She has mh problems but you are indulging her. You don't have to forgive unreasonable behaviour and you can still have boundaries. She obviously crossed them and since it's apparent she couldn't care less if she's trying to guilt you, you should be firm.

ChaToilLeam · 06/11/2021 10:40

I’m sorry, but her behaviour last year must have been frightening for the kids and I think your DP has the right to put his foot down.

Your friend has many problems and it is kind of you to be so caring but I think she is also laying an unwarranted guilt trip on you by saying she will just spend the day drinking. Go see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day but give your family a break from her, they really have shown exceptional patience.

There are many options open to her so don’t be pressured into having her this year.

CactusLemonSpice · 06/11/2021 10:42

No way. She has other people who she can see, she's just not organising it.

No chance after shouting at your kids.

The comment about drinking would also put me off as it sounds like a guilt trip.

I'm someone with historically quite poor boundaries, but am having to learn to say no. I think you need to do the same. Your children and dh shouldn't need to have a rubbish Christmas because you feel obliged to host someone who behaves inappropriately. Regardless of the back story, her behaviour remains her responsibility.

ellenpartridge · 06/11/2021 10:42

She's shouted at your kids... So absolutely no bloody way should she be coming back this year!!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/11/2021 10:43

I think you need to say no. She obviously found it stressful as well last year, so make that the starting point. Explain that her behaviour last year was not acceptable and that you won't be inviting her this year as it didn't work for her or for your family last year. Encourage her to stay with her Nan or maybe explore other options - helping at a Salvation Army event on Christmss Day or just stating at home and pampering herself if that is less stressful for her.