Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

[GuiltyFeelingsBothSides]

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

That's the point when she should have been told to pack her bags and dropped home. I agree with everyone - no more Xmas's at yours.

Agree with your husband, your family comes first. He’s been generous for 5 years, which is more than most would have been.

“Hi friend, just want to let you know well in advance that with kids getting older etc we are changing our Christmas plans and it will be just DH and the kids from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. We must plan a Christmas outing! See you soon…”

Or, as PP have said “it’s been OK for a few years, but the truth is that the kids were upset last year, and I owe it to DH and the kids to focus on family”. If she persists “There isn’t anything else I can say about it really.” And do not engage.

I'm with your dp here. Your family comes first. Why should someone outside the family be allowed to ruin the children's Xmas? You're actually being unfair here. Say I'm sorry but you can't come for Christmas this year, because you kept shouting at the kids. Offer to.pop in to see her on boxing day, bring some nibbles. She's just a friend. If she uses emotional blackmail e.g. I'm going to get drunk, then let her. She is a grown up, and it's not nice to use emotional blackmail anyway.

How old are your children? For the last 5 years they've had their Christmas morning impacted by her being there in the living room? Yes know I'll probably get flamed for this, but if they're young has that not brought up questions re Santa etc?

In 5 years she has made no new friends? She’s not your responsibility and you shouldn’t feel pressurised into having her over. I know it’s sad that she will be alone but it’s not fair on you if she makes things awkward between you and dh and she upsets your kids? Put your family first and say ‘no’, just tell her you have made other plans this year.

I'm with your DH. I wouldn't allow her to spoil a childs Christmas. How selfish.

It’s your children’s Christmas too. Why are her needs more important than your kids? If she added to you Christmas then invite her- sounds like she just takes and doesn’t add anything.

This isn't a friendship at all, this is her making you feel responsible for her wellbeing and choices and you accommodating that.

Why are you even friends with this person now? Other than feeling bad for her, what does this relationship entail?

I would make it very clear that she isn't coming for Christmas, or even better, just say the friendship is no longer working for you and block her.

My husband is fab at things like this OP.I often get my self into situations where I open my mouth before thinking,not so much now a days but I would invite someone then think oh shit what have I done! I do it from a good place but never the less I am often thoughtful to the wrong person for the right reasons,Here is where DH steps in, He never minds,(well he does a bit) being the bad guy and he will say no very easily,So I would suggest here message would be ,,Hi Friend just spoken to DH and this year he says he has plans for family and he has told me to make sure its family only,heavens above knows what he is up to but I am quite looking forward to finding out ,so. sorry to say though it means we won;t be available to host you this year,Letting you know now so you can get organised too,Wonder if he is planning to take us away? speak soon! I know lying is wrong but if it achieves a reasonable conclusion with no hurt feelings how wrong really can it be?!!

I'm also with your DP. I know it sounds a cop out but can you just not discuss it? If you start from the standpoint that you are having Christmas on your own this year then there is no conversation to be had. You don't need to be the instigator of the conversation, regardless of the hints she gives. If she asks you outright you simply say 'we're all sorted for Christmas, we are spending it alone, the children as so excited'. You don't need to give excuses or justifiy your decision. This sounds awful but if she pushes it I would blame your DP as this gets you off the hook (he sounds lovely btw, as you do, however sometimes you have to play good cop bad cop).

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

Oh that really IS bad :(

What about:
“Hey friend, hope all well with you. Just to give you a heads up, we’ve decided to have a quiet Christmas this year as a family. We’ve had a lot going on this year and we need this time to recharge and recover. Maybe meet up in the New Year or something?
Lots of love, Guilty”

You MUST support your H, he’s put up with this for years and last year WAS the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

You feel sorry for her, sure, but she’s not a friend to you or your family.

She shouted at your child, in your home, at Christmas and you feel guilty for not inviting her again?! You don’t have to explain yourself to her, just don’t invite her. Her mental health is not your problem, and is she going to spend Christmas with you for the next 20 years or so? No thanks..

I certainly would not invite her for Christmas. And I wouldn’t feel the need to keep explaining myself or justifying it to her or others. There comes a point where you have to prioritise yourself and your family.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides what did you say last year when she shouted at your dc..
Your kids deserve a nice Christmas without any drama.
Shes an adult who is trying to guilt trip you,dont fall for it.

She shouted and swore at your son? I would have told her then and there to pack and leave. If I invite someone to my house, I expect a decent level of behaviour from them. Due to XH (alcohol/drug issues and associated behaviours), I won't have shouting/drunk people in the house (it freaks my kids out, and it's very triggering for me too). I sympathise with anyone having MH problems (and being alone), but what has she done to try and meet new people/make more friends? Has she ever apologised about her behaviour last Christmas/did you call her out on it?

Message to her? "Dear friend, just a heads up, re: Christmas plans. We are battening down the hatches and doing a quiet one this year - just me DH and kids. Hopefully catch up before Xmas/after New Years. Take care!"

If she does the, "oh but I'll be alone", "oh I'll get drunk on my lonesome"....you can reply with "hope you have a peaceful Xmas". If she tries to wheedle an invite, you can just say, "no, that won't work for us as a family". If she persists, you can mention that after her behaviour last year, you won't have her staying over or spending another Xmas with you again, as you won't subject your children to that.

Has she apologised for how she behaved last year? I’m with your DP, also this is not on for your children, there is no way they should have someone shouting at them in their home, ever. She needs to deal with her trauma, not pass it on to you and use it for an excuse for lifelong terrible behaviour.

I suppose the other option you do have is to NOT proactively raise it….

If and when she mentions Christmas, you just say “After last year? No. H would divorce me if we repeated that. We’re having Christmas just us from now on.”

You don’t owe her anything

I am with your dh

Tell her it’s family only this year so she should contact her Nan. Or how about suggesting she looks at volunteering over Christmas somewhere?

I’d put the phone on silent on Christmas Day too …..

Hi Friend just spoken to DH and this year he says he has plans for family and he has told me to make sure its family only,heavens above knows what he is up to but I am quite looking forward to finding out ,so. sorry to say though it means we won;t be available to host you this year,Letting you know now so you can get organised too,Wonder if he is planning to take us away? speak soon! I know lying is wrong but if it achieves a reasonable conclusion with no hurt feelings how wrong really can it be?!!

No, that is way too long and is explaining way too much. All which is an obvious lie anyway and sounds even worse.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

Any guest swore at my child like that at Christmas when they were playing would be asked to leave! Did she apologise?

I'm with your DH. You can't host her every year, your family needs a break. How about a WA message like this:

"DH and I have been discussing Christmas and we are going to celebrate quietly this year with just the xx of us as it's been xx years since we've done that. I'm telling you now so hopefully you can make arrangements with your nan."

If she kicks off and refuses to appreciate you need family time this year, then you need to take a step back from the friendship.

I think it's best not to invite her this time.
3 or 4 days is just too much anyway.
I also think the past year with covid has been rough for everyone.
How far away does she live?

You mentioned she has MH issues but it doesn't sound like she is getting help for them either.

Maybe you two could have dinner together shortly before or after Xmas?

Don't let your childrens' memories of childhood Christmases be marred by mum's scary friend.
I'm sorry but mh issues or not, she has to take responsibility for her behaviour, especially in front of children. If she is unstable then she can't expect to be invited.