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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

191 replies

GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:27

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 06/11/2021 14:26

You've said she's told you she'll be drinking on the day because she'll have nothing else to do, op.
Surely this means you've already discussed it? Confused
You're determined to make the biggest mountain possible out of this molehill.

Redjumper1 · 06/11/2021 14:30

I would never invite someone who shouted at my kids to stay in my home. Especially over Christmas.

vajingleberry · 06/11/2021 14:31

You're determined to make the biggest mountain possible out of this molehill.

Hardly. OP has told the friend that they are not invited this year and friend is fine with it.

MzHz · 06/11/2021 14:35

@GreyhoundG1rl

You've said she's told you she'll be drinking on the day because she'll have nothing else to do, op. Surely this means you've already discussed it? Confused You're determined to make the biggest mountain possible out of this molehill.
To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides so she’s only hinted and you suggested alternatives but she shot them down, and you’ve left it at that?

Ok so she’s bound to hint some more so then you can be more about drinking all Christmas so be flippant and tell her not to forget to buy some headache tablets to cure the hangovers, laugh and move conversation on.

Any more direct hinting and you say “no, we’re not hosting anyone this year, time to have a family Christmas just us.”

Phase her out of your life. She brings nothing to it

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/11/2021 14:35

@vajingleberry

You're determined to make the biggest mountain possible out of this molehill.

Hardly. OP has told the friend that they are not invited this year and friend is fine with it.

That was after she asked for help to word her "discussion" WhatsApp message, when her friend was already aware she wasn't being invited.
readingismycardio · 06/11/2021 14:36

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.
Yup. Hell no.
MzHz · 06/11/2021 14:38

Oh I’d missed the fact you’ve told her already - well done

She possibly knows why it’s a no this year, but it does show you that you and your family have suffered her for years because of your guilt

Lesson to be learned there :) well done!

WilsonMilson · 06/11/2021 14:57

Your priority is your family. Your dh is a saint to have put up with it this long.

Having anyone, even really lovely guests, over for 3-4 days for 5 + years in a row at Christmas is stretching the bounds of anyone’s hospitality, and you need to stop this. I feel sorry for your friend’s mental health problems but not your duty to provide Christmas for her at the expense of your family.

TableFlowerss · 06/11/2021 14:58

Invite just for dinner for a couple of hours

whatwasIgoingtosay · 06/11/2021 14:58

Well done for discussing it with friend, OP, and getting a good conclusion. Hope you feel much better now!

Lalliella · 06/11/2021 15:07

No way should you invite her. Put your kids and DH first.

Lalliella · 06/11/2021 15:07

Oops sorry didn’t rtft.

Askingforfriend · 06/11/2021 15:18

Would DH be ok with her being at your house during the day on Christmas Eve?

Courtier · 06/11/2021 16:46

She's a grown up. If she's alone it's because of her choices and behaviour.

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/11/2021 18:52

@Askingforfriend

Would DH be ok with her being at your house during the day on Christmas Eve?
Well I'm not DH but I wouldn't be. Christmas Eve can be a magical day in itself, but I'd be more worried that she'd refuse to go home, or get so drunk that she couldn't go home - and that's without the possibility that she could swear at the DCs and throw a strop on any day, I doubt she reserves it for the 25th. (And for that reason I wouldn't do Boxing Day either. No child deserves to be sworn at.)

On that one I think she's burned her bridges.

User983590521 · 06/11/2021 18:55

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

We've talked and she's not coming this year. She's fine with it.

She's actually a really lovely person despite that one incident. Shes done alot for my family, helps out more than anyone else in my life (bar DP)

Well it's done now, so that's that.

Thanks for the push

That's great, OP.

Maybe she shocked herself by her bad behaviour last year and realised that camping on your sofa doesn't bring out the best in her.

That's a big weight off your mind!

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