Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

[GuiltyFeelingsBothSides]

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

And you were still debating asking her back for several days?

It really is OK to say no to people, OP.

Think is she apologized to you both would be a good sign. Think it's a be mean that people say it should just be about family. But I get the lack of transport can make it so difficult as all or nothing.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

So you sat there and let her swear at your wean and said nothing🤔 Aye right.

Last year you didn't need to have her covid was your perfect excuse.

Second this

@category12

Do you actually need to bring it up and discuss it?

You've already had a couple of conversations where you have failed to jump in and offer she stays with you - couldn't you just keep not offering?

Maybe that's weak, but it's what I'd do .

If she directly asks, I'd say

• "sorry, we want to have a Christmas just on our own"
• or if dh is on board with being the bad guy - "sorry DH just wants a family Christmas, and this time I'm being the one to compromise"
• and if pushed, "sorry but it didn't really work well last year but I'm sure {x} would love to see you".

Sorry quote failed, I meant second this!

Don't make this your kids memories of xmas

I’m definitely with your DH.

5 Christmas’s on the trot is becoming a ritual.

Shouting at your kids and staying in your room could easily happen again and even if it doesn’t you’ll all be walking on eggshells waiting for something to trigger her.

Now really is the time to ask yourself if you want to impose her on your family every Christmas forever more or change this cycle?

Good luck it’s a horrible position for you to be in.

So she expects you to not “leave her alone at Xmas” but she is happy to leave her own nan alone at Xmas? I think it’s fine to say you’re having something smaller this year and explain why. If she really apologised and your DP was fine with it I’d only have her around for Xmas dinner and just pay for the taxi.

Why 3 or 4 days ?? You say she lives near you - why has she been staying all that time, every Christmas for several years ? Your DP has been a saint for not complaining until now. Your friend is an adult, she can look after herself for a change .

She is an adult and you share your home so your partner and children come first. Tell her now and say it’s a joint decision; she’s not a friend if she’d rather come when she’s not welcome. Don’t make any promises for next year either.
Lots of people were alone last Christmas including myself and it was okay - just another day alone - her staying for 3 or 4 days rather that just for a Xmas meal would put me off inviting her whatever her behaviour.

Has she asked you if she can come for Christmas (+3 days )? Or just assumed she's invited?
The earlier you tell her the better, so I think you need to WhatsApp to say "just letting you know that DH and I have decided to have a family Christmas this year. It would be great if you and I could have dinner/drinks out the week before to celebrate Christmas- let me know what day suits"
I think you've done more than enough!

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

What was said about her behaviour?

Any apology?

I’m with your DP, she sounds horrible. Also why are you making your kids put up with her shit? Let them enjoy Christmas, say no to her.

You don't have to launch into telling her she's not invited to stay.
It would be unreasonable of her to expect that you have to invite her.

Say nothing about her coming to stay.
Instead, ask her round for another time eg a meal on Boxing Day.

You should respect your DH who has been very patient. Family comes first, and he deserves to have a lovely time with his children and you.

You tell your friend " just letting you know in time for you to make other plans.DH and the children are having Christmas by ourselves this year."

IF she challenges that you tell her straight " Last year you overstepped the mark and that's not fair to my children and DH . We are not inviting guests this year. It's a family decision."

PLease don't let it fall to you to arrange or even suggest any alternative plans she could make; and just ignore/don't respond to any pity-me / manipulative threats of what she'll do all alone. She is not a child and you have done enough.

Swearing and storming off is an over reaction. Fair enough to say ‘watch out’ or something similar, but her reaction seems extreme.

Enjoy your family Christmas.

@Battleaxebertha

'We've decided to have a quiet family Christmas this year and just focus on the kids. Hope you enjoy your Christmas'.

This is a good message

You have been a great friend and really shown the spirit of Christmas for the past 5 years,so has your family,But this year is your family Christmas.

You've done your bit - and more. Tell her it's just family from now on. If you say 'this year' she might assume she's back in later.

'Hi X, just advance notice that dp and I have decided it's just us and the kids at Christmas. Have a lovely holiday. Speak to you later. Guilty.

The thought of her being right in the middle of Xmas every year!
Your poor children.

Lots of people manage just fine on their own at Xmas.
If she is saying now that she intends to mope and get drunk, she's deliberately setting herself up for a crap time.

She doesn't have to do that.

Come on, OP, this is not fair to your DP or your kids. It really isn’t.

You are slithering out of taking responsibility with your handwringing ‘whatever I do someone will be upset’. Your friend has no right to be upset. Your DP and kids have every right.

Be more AttilaTheMeerkat.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends at other times. No friends in a healthy friendship expect to be the priority in each and every circumstance.

Might also be worth looking out for other options for her at Christmas - there may be Christmas celebrations/meals in her area for people who are alone. You could even encourage her to volunteer if she's well enough?

I wouldn't host someone who treated my family so badly.
She swore at your child. That's not ok. Put your family first and don't host her. Have a nice Christmas from now on otherwise your kids will grow up and their memories of Christmas will be that it was always bloody horrible.

The alternative is you go to be with her on your own at Christmas instead of her being inflicted on the rest of your family.

I would be honest with her too. I would explain that you want a family Christmas this year so you can make it special for your children without anyone else there and they remembered the shouting and it's not something you wish to repeat if she would like to come and join you for a day newteen Xmas and new year. Stay over and have some drinks then that would be lovely

I'm sort of wondering what this friendship does for you?

Anyway I think you need to tell her now so as to be absolutely clear and not end up in some sort of pickle where she thinks she's coming and DH thinks she isn't and you're in the middle. The message above about focussing on family is perfect, and I think it would be good to then turn your phone off for a whole day so that you are not waiting for her to reply/getting into a conversation about it. Let's face it she'll probably say nothing, knowing that this will make you angst over it more than anything else (or am I unfairly projecting?).