Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

[GuiltyFeelingsBothSides]

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

After her behaviour last year, you really do need to prioritise your children.
Did she even apologise last year?

Take responsibility for this.
Don't invite her.
If she says anything about being invited tell her that you and DH, especially you , were not happy with her behaviour last year which upset your kids so you've decided not to invite her again.

Regardless of her MH problems, she's been a CF while staying in your home.
You don't have to invite that sort of behaviour in again.

Why did she even have to stay so long & not just come for Christmas lunch for example?

Tbh I think that she has taken the piss for the last 5yrs!

Put your children and DH first, no question. You don't owe her anything, especially after the way she behaved last time. It's not your fault she has no one else nor that she has mental health issues, and you can't fix her.

You've obviously been a very supportive friend but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your family Christmas for her. If she had the same concern and respect for you that you do for her, she would realise that.

She swore at your child!? and your worried about her feelings!

Yes it sucks to have MH problems(and I speak as someone who has them myself)but that isn't an excuse to swear at the child of someone that has obviously gone above and beyond for her.

@EdgeOfTheSky

Or, as PP have said “it’s been OK for a few years, but the truth is that the kids were upset last year, and I owe it to DH and the kids to focus on family”. If she persists “There isn’t anything else I can say about it really.” And do not engage.

I think this might be the best thing to say to her.

I don't know if she's apologised for her behaviour last year but even if she has it doesn't mean you need to invite her again this year.

To be honest, from what you've said about her it doesn't sound like she's getting any proper help for her mental health or her drinking, and it also sounds like she's guilt-tripping you and making you take responsibility for her behaviour (if you don't invite her to your house for several days over Christmas she will just sit on her own in the dark and get drunk because what's the point?) Don't fall for that.

And as PP have said, don't let your kids Christmas memories be of an angry drunk lady shouting and swearing and taking over their home while you feel guilty and your DH feels resentful.

You might actually be doing her a favour by refusing to facilitate this any further, it may be the push she needs to make other arrangements and deal with her issues.

You don't have to give an excuse or even say you're not inviting her, otherwise it's almost like saying she has involvement in how your family plan their Christmas!

If someone shouted and swore at my children they would be out on their ear, Christmas or not.
Simply tell her that you're having a quiet Christmas and you'll see her at another point

@MzHz

I suppose the other option you do have is to NOT proactively raise it….

If and when she mentions Christmas, you just say “After last year? No. H would divorce me if we repeated that. We’re having Christmas just us from now on.”

You don’t owe her anything

This is what I'd do. She has to know your decision's based on her behaviour. But really something should have been said at the time - you or your husband should have gone up to her in her room and said, "I think you need to go back home now. I can't have you swearing at the children like that. Next year you'll have to make other plans."

I think to avoid any “confusion” or whatever excuses the friend might come up with, I’d proactively say that they are not visiting you this time, and be candid about why.

Hi, after last year, DH and I decided we must focus on the kids over Christmas, so we’re not hosting anyone this year, at all, even for short visits. You’ll need to make alternative plans if you had thought you might be able to come to mine. I think that’s for the best as last year was uncomfortable for everyone when you shouted at the children. We can’t tolerate that so we won’t be changing this decision.

Your friend was very lucky to stay with you last Christmas when so many people spent the time on their own and she should think on that.

I assume you swap presents so maybe suggest meeting the week before Christmas to do this and just say you have 'other plans' for Christmas and Boxing Day.

Public transport is an issue over Christmas with not every service running on Boxing Day so can understand why she is staying over then as well. Arriving Christmas Eve and leaving 27th is three nights. She really needs to think about a taxi home however even if it is £40 or so.

Sorry if I missed it, but has she actually asked to come?

I don't share her issues, but there have been a few Christmases in my life where I've been alone (working abroad, recent divorce). I accepted a couple of "strays and orphans" invitations but honestly I didn't enjoy it, I felt like an intruder. After that I lied and said I had plans so I could stay home and eat nachos!

I mean this kindly OP but you do need to look at what you’re getting from this relationship. Do you have a need to be a rescuer? Perhaps you are playing out a situation from your childhood in a different way?

As much as it feels like doing the right thing, and being a kind and generous person, these sorts of relationship can be detrimental to the rescued person too.

but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

Team DP here.

It sounds as if you are not the only family who have taken her in, only to find that they cannot provide the level of help she currently needs.

You have done your best and not been able to help. It's time for her to find something else, ideally sorting out her mental health so that she can be around friends snd family without disrupting everything.

She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

And you are thinking of letting her come back. I get that you are feeling guilty at not including her in your lovely family Christmas but honestly, you have really given it a hood go. Sometimes, saying no really is the right thing to do.

Your DC deserve a Christmas without that stress, as do you and DP.

Maybe look at why you feel you need to have her in your life when it means putting her feelings above those of you & your family.

It might be that she chooses not to be friends with you if you say no - but then she's not really a friend anyway if she's happy to use you in this way.

You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings. It might help to read the book 'Co-dependent No More' as it sounds like you are too enmeshed with her for normal friendship.

Sounds like there are very good reasons why she has no other friends...
Why are you putting her above your own kid's enjoying their Christmas without some random shouting at them?

How can you let someone swear and shout at your children at Christmas, and not say anything about it? You are letting your children down and being unfair to them.
Not nice.
I hope you at least explained to them that your friends behaviour was very wrong.

Why is she your best friend? Why is she your friend at all? She sounds awful.

I live alone and have had a couple of Christmases alone for varying reasons. I suffer badly from shyness and would rather stick pins in my eyes than join an organised group for the day with all that forced jollity. I coped both times, got up late, leisurely breakfast, nice walk locally before cooking whatever treats I had chosen for myself. Watched whatever I wanted on the TV without consulting anyone else.

If I had wanted to I could have gone to church for Midnight Mass the night before and a Christmas Day service on the 25th. Your friend could consider these options and use the time to reflect on the real meaning of Christmas maybe.

She shouted and swore at your kids and you’re asking if you should invite her again? Is this real? I wouldn’t tolerate that from family let alone a random “friend”

You are putting your friends needs above your families needs. 5 years of this? I’m surprised your OP and kids have put up for it for so long.

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

Holy shit, how awful.

Just seen the “best friend” bit, really 🤐

I don’t think being “alone” at Christmas is quite the same as it used to be. I think it was more about missing out on a large celebratory meal and not being in the warm, having the company of friends and family.

Nowadays the shops are constantly filled with lovely food, heated homes are the norm and entertainment is everywhere even on Christmas Day.

I wouldn’t worry. You’ve done five years and you still care. It’s up to her to make her own Christmas if she wants to. If shes happy spending Christmas drunk that’s up to her surely?

Ideally you would have raised your concerns about her behaviour last year. It is now quite late to do it, but the brave thing to do would be to mention the issue and that it means you feel your family need the time without anyone staying over.

If I were you, I would work hard to find a day invitation for her. You say it would cost a lot in taxis, well I would be willing to fund that or part of it, because I think that offering something is quite important.

Unless you have decided to break off the friendship, youre right that Christmas is a difficult time and getting some invitations counts for a lot. You don’t have to offer the full 3-4 day invitation, but a day invitation would be positive.

Clearly her responses to everything are impacted by her MH and she’s not a positive person when things are going well or not. If you feel addressing her behaviour won’t help, because of the MH issues, then don’t. You are able to simply say that you need a year without house guests. This would be tempered though by an offer of an evening meal invitation or lunch or Boxing Day walk or whatever.

There is always a balance to be had, between being kind a no a good friend (important to do these things) and protecting yourself and your family. You cannot be the solution to everything and if you try to be, you end up burning out and will have less to offer or nothing to this friend in future.

I would ignore the suggestions to bin this friend entirely. I don’t think you need to or should, but backing off a little is probably wise. Keep being kind, keep looking for ways to support her, but within what is manageable and doesn’t impact your family so much. Personally I’m not if the view that families and kids should be protected from every tiny bit of difficulty. I think that part of growing up in a healthy family, involves seeing your parents put themselves out for others and that sometimes you make small sacrifices too as part of that…it’s not all about you. But that doesn’t extend to regular Christmases being ruined or parents never putting you first. It’s fine for the children and your DH too, to manage to have your friend over for a lunch, even if it’s not their favourite thing. That’s very different to having her over to stay for the full Christmas period when she’s difficult.