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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

191 replies

GuiltyFeelingsBothSides · 06/11/2021 10:27

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 06/11/2021 13:02

Crossed posts!!

Must type faster!!!

Have a lovely Christmas!

FinallyHere · 06/11/2021 13:03

Well done, have a lovely Christmas xx

CactusLemonSpice · 06/11/2021 13:05

Well done. Not an easy conversation to have and I'm glad it went okay.

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/11/2021 13:07

I’m happy for you the conversation has happened, and that you can look forward to a Christmas focussing on you & your family this year. Have a wonderful Christmas x

EdgeOfTheSky · 06/11/2021 13:07

Well done OP!

Have a lovely Christmas, and also have a lovely time with your friend at some other time.
Brew

SammyScrounge · 06/11/2021 13:09

@GaladrielHiggins

Never mind your partner, I think you owe it to your kids not to have someone in their home at Christmas that shouted at them on their last Christmas. I don’t like the idea of people being alone at Christmas, but she has already turned down two other offers and is in the headspace of wanting to get hammered then that’s a shit Christmas for your DP and kids if you invite her to yours.
Have to agree with this. There are only so many Christmases when your children are young and it's all a bit magical. To have an adult screaming and shouting at them on the special day is just not on. You and your DH have been more than generous in having her to stay at a time when people with MH problems feel worse but you can:t sacrifice your children's enjoyment for her. She is clearly trying to blackmail you emotionally with her 'i can't go here or can't go there so I'll just sit and get drunk and it will be your fault' . Well she:d an adult and that:s her choice, not yours.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/11/2021 13:09

Well done OP, and here's hoping you have a wonderful Christmas [flowers}

grapewine · 06/11/2021 13:10

Glad it went okay.

BillMasheen · 06/11/2021 13:17

@silkience

Don't make this your kids memories of xmas
This
starrynight21 · 06/11/2021 13:26

There are plenty of charities which would appreciate volunteers at Christmas - I've worked at a women's refuge a couple of times when I was on my own. Instead of assuming that you will have her over, your friend should be considering what SHE can do to make someone else's Christmas a happy one.

TicTac80 · 06/11/2021 13:32

I'm glad you managed to talk things through!

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/11/2021 13:33

OP it's OK to say no.

Actually it's deeper than that. You have to say no.

If anyone's attitude is the more the merrier, AND the waifs and strays are happy to muck in, great. She is not. Your DC was having a lovely Christmas playing games, knocked over a drink that presumably you'd paid for and that you'd have to clear up, but she was still so self centred that she swore and stormed off.

She doesn't come, no-one - you, DH or DCs - should be on tenterhooks waiting to see if she kicks off again. And I suggest not inviting her 'just' for a meal either. She'll guilt trip you with the difficulty and cost of getting there, to which you'll either give in or have to withdraw the meal invite. Head that one off at the pass by not inviting her at all.

You're not her saviour or her rescuer. But it does sound like you're her enabler. A simple text that you're having the Christmas period (not just Christmas Day) for the family and then disengage. If she really pushes I personally wouldn't hesitate to tell her straight why she's not invited, but that may not be your style.

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/11/2021 13:35

Ignore that ^^. I started writing then got a phone call, came back and finished it and posted. You've updated since then! Grin

LookItsMeAgain · 06/11/2021 13:37

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

I mean she might, sometimes her nan goes abroad for Xmas so it may not be an option at all.
Why can't she go abroad with her nan this Christmas?
Biscuitsneeded · 06/11/2021 13:39

I was about to ask what you get out of this 'best' friendship but I see you have said she helps you out a lot. If she truly is a friend that you care about, why not help her to make some more friends/meet some new people rather than just unintentionally fostering her dependency on you? Maybe the two of you could join some sort of social club or activity in the New Year, where she might meet more people?

EmoIsntDead · 06/11/2021 13:39

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.
She wouldn't be stepping foot in my house again after that.
LookItsMeAgain · 06/11/2021 13:39

Sorry - missed your last update OP. At least the matter is solved.
Make sure you stick to that though, because it may happen that her 'plans' fall through and she ends up on your doorstep on Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day.

Be kind but firm

lottiegarbanzo · 06/11/2021 13:46

I'd make plans to do something with her on Boxing Day or the day after - maybe just the two of you. Go out for a long walk, maybe with a pub lunch or something else nice that gives you a chance to talk properly, while also keeping you busy.

Do not let her manipulate you.

Spending Christmas alone can be fab. It is what you make it and is all about mental attitude - which she may well struggle with of course.

There are lots of volunteering opportunities, which make the doer feel really good, as well as the recipients. Or she could enjoy watching films and getting slowly pissed all day. I've done both and really enjoyed both! It did make a big difference that I had nice social things planned in the days before and after.

StillWalking · 06/11/2021 13:56

I'm with everyone else, I'm afraid. Tell her now that you're having a quiet Christmas at home, just you and your DP and kids and she's got time to make other plans. Shouting at the kids and overstaying her welcome is not on.

mam0918 · 06/11/2021 14:09

I don't get why this is a question?

She is NOT your responsibility but your husband and kids should be your priority.

If she ruined Xmas by coming to my house and yelling at my kids I wouldn't even be talking to her now never mind considering putting my husband and kids through that again - Your first instinct as a mother should be to protect them from being abused in their own home.

It's not even that she can't have other options it's that she's lazy and unwilling because she found a doormat she can trample all over and she will do it as long as you let her.

starfishmummy · 06/11/2021 14:15

Five years? Has she ever asked you to go to hers over Xmas - not necessarily on Xmas day but it's a two week holiday these days.

Joystir59 · 06/11/2021 14:18

Put your very accommodating DP first OP.

1forAll74 · 06/11/2021 14:21

I would tell her to sort herself out,The die has probably now been cast, as you have accommodated her so many times before,and now she want's to keep visiting. You should not get bogged down, with other peoples problems, especailly if they cause some issues in your home when visiting. Saying no,is your right, to something that you don't wan't to happen.

2bazookas · 06/11/2021 14:23

@GuiltyFeelingsBothSides

Thankyou so much.

Could anyone help me word a WhatsApp message to discuss it Blush

Don't "discuss" it. That makes her think she can talk you round.

Just text her your non-negotiable absolutely final DECISION.

" Just to let you know, we're not inviting any guests this xmas. DH, the kids and I have decided to have christmas on our own this year. "

BorderlineHappy · 06/11/2021 14:25

That's great @GuiltyFeelingsBothSides just be on guard in case she just turns up anyway.

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