Not in inviting friend (with no family) at Xmas VS DP

[GuiltyFeelingsBothSides]

Apologies if this is long, I have no idea what to do.

My best friend has no family that she speaks to due to childhood trauma. When we met she had just moved from one area of the country to here and knew noone (this was Jan) by Xmas we were very good friends and I invited her to stay for Xmas.
We don't have a spare romm so she stayed on the couch which was a bit rough with all the gifts etc but was fine.

Next and subsequent years was the same situation, she has a lot of MH issues so didn't make new friends.

So basically for the last 5 years she's had Xmas at ours (staying 3/4 days)

Last year however she was in a really bad place mentally and put a real dampener on the whole thing, even shouting at the kids and spending the evening in my room.

So this year DH has said he doesn't want her to come. He has been so wonderful and accommodating previously but after last year he just wants a quiet family Christmas, which I completely understand.

But this means friend will be 100% alone all Xmas. And I hate the thought of anyone going through that.
This year she has met someone who she is inte3in perusing a romantic relationship with but they are taking it slow and she says they will be with family at Xmas so she can't go there. She could go see her Nana who she does talk to occasionally but due to the past she won't reach out to ask.

I feel like a twat whatever way I turn. I either upset DP or my friend.

I honestly don't know what to do. To make it worse she was saying that she is just going to get drunk all Xmas as she will be alone, it felt like she was waiting for me to invite her. I suggested she visited new friend or Nana but she blew both off and it was so awkward.

I feel so shit. What would you guys do? We've opened our home for years but it's draining.

You sound very kind op but I would never entertain the idea of hosting her again after last year. Shouting at the kids? Wtf?
She is not your responsibility and you may have created a bit of dependency. Maybe this will be the year that she realises she cannot just rely on one friend.

@ellenpartridge

She's shouted at your kids... So absolutely no bloody way should she be coming back this year!!

This

Your kids will remember family Christmases when they are older ..... this is not a good memory for them to have

Thankyou so much.

Could anyone help me word a WhatsApp message to discuss it

She shouted because my DS knocked over her drink at the table whilst we were playing board games, he was excited and over animated. She shouted and swore at him and stormed upstairs.

I'm with DH here, maybe let her know early enough that this year you're just having a quiet xmas just the 3/4? Of you and letting her know before she makes any travel plans.

Exain why she can't. You can't be on eggshells in case she has a tantrum.

I’m another with you DH.
She making you feel guilt with her comments about staying home and getting drunk as she has nothing else to do. That is her prerogative, she is an adult . It’s unfortunate she has MH struggles of course, but really this year you need to put your DH and DC first.
I would not want someone in my house that shouted at my DC over Xmas, especially not for 3/4 days.
You have given her suggestions, she has dismissed them. It’s time to step back and enjoy Xmas with your family and let her make her own arrangements.

You've been a good friend, but it's time she reached out to her nan, who may also be alone at Christmas. Has she thought about how she may enrich her nan's xmas?

Can you help her in doing that?

How old are your dc's?
Does she usually (apart from last year) add to the festive spirit and make Christmas a happy and joyful occasion?

I think it's lovely you have been so thoughtful in previous years, however it is completely OK to put yourself and your children and DH first.

She has other options if she chooses not to do any of them, that is her choice, you are not responsible for those decisions

I’d simply say you’re planning a quiet family Christmas this year, and that you hope she has a nice time whatever she decides to do, and that you hope to see her over the holiday season (maybe between Christmas and New Year)?

Put bluntly you are sacrificung your DH and kid's family time for a friend who is now presuming and doing nothing to curtail her issues.

Your kids do not have the same resilience, understanding as you, a adult do. You have to tell her that her behaviour last year was unacceptable and you will not be accommodating her this year because of it, Rinse and repeat next year etc.

And whatever you do do not let her guilt trip you into changing your mind. And don't fret over her and spoil your family's Christmas. Let yourself learn to put you and your family first.

You never know, stepping back from her might give her the impetus to do something for herself!

Its ok to say no

It’s ok to say no OP, MH being poor doesn’t excuse shouting at your DCs

Do you actually need to bring it up and discuss it?

You've already had a couple of conversations where you have failed to jump in and offer she stays with you - couldn't you just keep not offering?

Maybe that's weak, but it's what I'd do .

If she directly asks, I'd say

• "sorry, we want to have a Christmas just on our own"
• or if dh is on board with being the bad guy - "sorry DH just wants a family Christmas, and this time I'm being the one to compromise"
• and if pushed, "sorry but it didn't really work well last year but I'm sure {x} would love to see you".

'We've decided to have a quiet family Christmas this year and just focus on the kids. Hope you enjoy your Christmas'.

Its good to teach children about caring for others by including someone who would otherwise be alone but I think after several years, and especially last year, it would be ok to put them first. Inviting this friend definitely isn't putting your children first. You aren't caught between your friend and DH, your family is your priority.

I also think you would have a nicer time with just your DH and DC? Your happiness matters too.

Just saw your last post. I wouldn't message, I'd either call or explain when you next see each other.

I'm with Dp.

Tell her you're going away for Xmas.

Op I would get your dp to tell her no if you feel unable to...you don't want Christmas ruining...your dp and kids feelings matter more than hers, especially when she didn't behave herself at last Christmas

But I would keep it simple that you are having a family Christmas alone this year.

Or could she just come for lunch Xmas day and stay just that night?

Her transport isn't your problem.

You've done enough for her already. If she'd have shouted and swore at my son she would have been out that day. Public transport or no public transport. You don't really have to tell her anything but if it makes you feel better just say you're having a quiet Xmas and you hope whatever she does, she has a lovely time.
She's not your responsibility.

What's app

Hi 'friend' just to give to the heads up in good time. We are having a very quiet christmas just ourselves this year. We will organise a get together at another time xx

Ide just block her op she's not really a friend or brings anything to your table
You speak to her out of guilt, unless she's asked if she can come then dont mention it. No need for all this angst cut her out

Do not put this person ahead of your own family unit out of any of your own misplaced obligation or guilt.

Do not message her further because that basically opens a door that should otherwise remain closed.

Do not JADE your decision to someone like this person i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain.

@EnrouteNOTonroute

You sound very kind op but I would never entertain the idea of hosting her again after last year. Shouting at the kids? Wtf? She is not your responsibility and you may have created a bit of dependency. Maybe this will be the year that she realises she cannot just rely on one friend.

All of this!! The shouting at the children would be the deal breaker for me. They come first she is an adult. If she feels it's ok to behave like this in your home last year I would be resetting my boundaries with her completely. She obviously needs help and it's great you are there for her. But as someone who has a family member with mental health problems who does the opposite to whatever is best for them/advised and often causes a lot of distress to other family members. I have realised pandering to them and letting them use you as an emotional punching bag only hurts you/your family in the end and does not improve their situation. Telling you she will be spending all Xmas drinking is emotional blackmail. Is your friend have any help for her mental health issues. Encouraging that is probably the best way to support her right now. But you should not be letting her effect your DC/DP.