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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight I told my husband…

195 replies

IknowwhatIneed · 01/11/2021 23:57

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 02/11/2021 00:27

Well done for taking the first step. One day at a time and you’ll get through it 💐

PanicBuyingSprouts · 02/11/2021 07:37

Sadly I think it's all too common that the man just doesn't see how unhappy you are.

The number of make friends and family who've told me they "totally didn't see it coming" is really sad, especially when you have to bite your tongue so you don't say "Really? Everyone else could see how unhappy she was, she even told you!"

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 02/11/2021 07:45

I slept for the first time in weeks, and really feel at peace with my decision. I already feel lighter just for knowing change will be coming. That may well change as things play out in the coming days and weeks but just now I feel relief.

OP posts:
freehappymind · 02/11/2021 08:01

Very similar reaction here
He didn't see it coming - I had been saying it was coming if his behaviour to me didn't change
He just didn't believe I'd do it I think
Also v similar in that even to this day it wasn't about losing me it was about losing the family set up / less time with kids
Which I understand but at the cost of one persons unhappiness - me - and that made me so very selfish.
I hate lumping "all men" but I think it's more common in men to actually expect the other person to keep the status quo and not have the power to change their lives so dramatically with no input. It was the lack of choice / power from him I think that shocked him the most.
You have done the right thing - not just for you but also to demonstrate to the kids that if someone is unhappy in their situation you can change it and not have to live out choices because of other people to the day you die.
Also part of me thinks are they really so shocked or is it just part of a poor-me routine that suits their narrative and takes their behaviour off the table.

pointythings · 02/11/2021 08:04

He can be shocked and surprised until he's blue in the face, that just goes to show how little care and insight he's had. Nobody resorts to divorce for the funsies - I certainly didn't.

gelatodipistacchio · 02/11/2021 08:06

Wonderful! Onward and upward, OP!

SunflowerTed · 02/11/2021 08:13

Well done. It’s very hard to find the words that will change things for the better so well done you for being brave. My friend is planning to do the same and there are so many factors to consider. Good luck you’ve earned your new life xx

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 02/11/2021 08:17

I had the same reaction from mine when I told him it was over last month. Despite having had the same conversation 3 months earlier and him promising to change to make things better. To be fair, he did make some changes, but turns out none of it actually helped so I ended it, and then he was like “where’s this all coming from?”

Stay strong. If you’re feeling relief at this point then you’ve cleared made the right decision for you. Stick with it, and know that while the coming days/weeks/months may be difficult, you will get through them. Get things rolling, the longer you drag the process out, the more it will hurt (and cost!).
Try and get as much as you can agreed upon without a solicitor re childcare/housing/finances, providing you’re amicable of course, as legal fees add up quickly and obviously if you can agree on things without dragging through court it’s much healthier for everyone involved.

Good luck!

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 02/11/2021 08:17

@freehappymind I too had said repeatedly (often in tears) that I needed things to change or I’d be gone - I wonder if not just getting on with leaving lulled him into a false sense of security. He’s been ok this morning, we’re both being nice for the kids.

I don’t feel angry or resentful - I think I’ve worked through all of that while making the decision to leave. I know just want a plan, which will be tricky but not insurmountable.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 08:22

Good for you. So many people including me stay in unhappy relationships. I should have made a move 5 years ago, it may have meant we hit back together but now it's done.

I had a hard decision to make 5 years ago. Leave and share custody / not see kids every day and be financially strapped or stay. I took the easier option.

I've now left and am very glad. I can start a new life just me and kids without the additional stress of her, her kids (one ASD, other some kind of issues)

Do what is right by you. You do t owe anybody anything, you owe yourself a life and happiness. Whether on your own or with someone else. Sometimes things just don't work out. If you kept getting ill after eating bread, you would remove bread from your life.

Pumpkinsonparade · 02/11/2021 08:25

Even when my dh came home and I had left he struggled to believe me..
I left a note... Had tried to tell him while he was in the bath so he couldn't kick off..
He commented on the soap being nice...
Be prepared for no support from his side op..
I never heard a word from ils from that day.
Well done on your decision... And good luck.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 02/11/2021 08:27

In a way it’s easier for me in that I’m the higher earned by quite a bit so financially we’ll be ok, though we’ll need to sell the house I think - unless he takes more of my pension in lieu of equity. I’d rather not uproot the kids if possible but we’ll need to see how that goes.

OP posts:
freehappymind · 02/11/2021 08:34

I second @BoredAndUnfulfilled re: sort as much of the finances and childcare out between you - well that actually meant I sorted it out and he agreed / we compromised
Obviously I don't know how yours will react but be prepared for anger from him when it sinks in - keep calm and don't engage in the anger - walk away if it escalates. Actually the feeling of being selfish helped because it was like I deserved it so didn't fight back.

You, like me are in a very very good place to be financially independent and have choices - I wish all women who wanted to leave had that choice.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 02/11/2021 08:40

You, like me are in a very very good place to be financially independent and have choices - I wish all women who wanted to leave had that choice.

That makes such a difference to facing the future confidently - our standard of living will certainly change but we’ll not be on the bread line by any means, and I have good capacity to increase my earnings without too much difficulty. I’m very lucky in that regard, though I’ve also worked so very hard to get to that point. Yes, would that other women were in the same position.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 02/11/2021 08:46

@IknowwhatIneed

You, like me are in a very very good place to be financially independent and have choices - I wish all women who wanted to leave had that choice.

That makes such a difference to facing the future confidently - our standard of living will certainly change but we’ll not be on the bread line by any means, and I have good capacity to increase my earnings without too much difficulty. I’m very lucky in that regard, though I’ve also worked so very hard to get to that point. Yes, would that other women were in the same position.

. . . That effects so many people decision. It did mine. Many face a very uncertain future are unable to stand financially on their own, so they stay.

This is why divorce rates are higher in my opinion. Women have their own means and are not trapped anymore. I felt trapped.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 08:31

So this morning he comes to talk about sex, he’s had ED and not been willing to talk about it or do anything about it - we’ve not had sex for 15 years. Telling him I’m not attracted to him, don’t see him in that way at all was so hard but very true. He says he wants to try everything - so my sense is he’s not attracted to me but wants to “do his duty”. I’ve told him, again, that it’s over and I want out.

He’s not angry, or aggressive - I could probably deal with that more easily, he’s just very sad and that’s hard, I hate hurting him but I honestly feel so much more free knowing there’s a way out for me.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 08:40

@IknowwhatIneed

I feel the same. Apart from it having an effect on my kids, which I hope they will and think they will be fine.

It's a sense of great freedom. Especially from not feeling shit all the time and miserable.

Here's to your new life. You're obviously out, you just have to navigate the next steps now.

Good luck.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 08:48

I worry about the impact on my kids, they’re adopted so it’s a bit more complex for them in terms of change and loss. In saying that, I have more confidence in my ability to support them through a break up than being able to live as I have been.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 08:53

15 years without sec must be awful. I can't comment on the kids but hope they're okay. I don't think it's selfish to look after your needs and happiness. Unhappiness has a tendency to trickle down. I feel I will be better for my kids now.

I can just concentrate on them than all the other crap that was on my plate.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 09:15

That’s my thinking too - I can focus my time and attention on them and their needs, run the house the way that suits me and if another relationship comes along, I’m much better equipped to recognise and communicate my needs.

OP posts:
beautifulview · 03/11/2021 09:21

Good for you!! No sex for 15 years. Bloody hell. No wonder you want out

Fijiwater · 03/11/2021 09:51

Stay strong Flowers it's a very tough decision but you've made your peace with it and know it's for the best. It's so sad how many men don't seem to grasp when they've been told by their partner that things aren't happy and haven't been for a while. Makes things very difficult but it sounds like you're coping and doing really well! I've also taken up smoking due to the anxieties of the separation but I've booked in some counselling which will hopefully help provide me with better coping strategies xx

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:52

@IknowwhatIneed

That’s my thinking too - I can focus my time and attention on them and their needs, run the house the way that suits me and if another relationship comes along, I’m much better equipped to recognise and communicate my needs.
. . . Yip. Same here. I feel I've learnt a lot snd will never or hope never repeat the same things again. Communicating my needs are one of them too.

Another women will never be a part of my kids life e.g They won't have a step mum and I won't be tolerating the same crap I've tolerated again. It's much easier when you can just walk away if you feel something isn't working and you don't share a house, finances and children.

Never again. All about me and my kids now and putting me and them first. I realise I deserve to be happy.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:55

The step mum thing is because

  1. I realise how hard it was being a step dad, especially to 2 kids with issues.
  1. I would never put someone in that situation (above) even though I think my kids would be lovely.
  1. I'm in charge of everything, the way I run my house as you say.
19Bears · 03/11/2021 12:10

@IknowwhatIneed

So this morning he comes to talk about sex, he’s had ED and not been willing to talk about it or do anything about it - we’ve not had sex for 15 years. Telling him I’m not attracted to him, don’t see him in that way at all was so hard but very true. He says he wants to try everything - so my sense is he’s not attracted to me but wants to “do his duty”. I’ve told him, again, that it’s over and I want out.

He’s not angry, or aggressive - I could probably deal with that more easily, he’s just very sad and that’s hard, I hate hurting him but I honestly feel so much more free knowing there’s a way out for me.

@IknowwhatIneed This is exactly what I did two years ago, I finally plucked up the courage to say that I would never ever have sex with him again as I just didn't have those feelings for him. I thought it would be make or break, but we have just rumbled on, and it's almost 11 years without sex now. No intimacy at all. A few weeks after this conversation he tried to put his hand on my hip when I was in bed and I flinched and pulled away. It was as if he thought he better try something for the sake of trying. If he ever used to hug me, it was as if I was his mum he was hugging. No manliness, just awkward. My dh is hurt and sad, which I feel awful for, but at the same time he seems content to brush my feelings aside and plough on. Why should I continue to shield him from pain, when he refuses to acknowledge mine? I'm so pleased for you that you've been firm with him. Things will be hard, but my god, the improvement in your life to be free, that's amazing Flowers