Tonight I told my husband…

[IknowwhatIneed]

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

why is it that the woman makes her decision , quite often without any concern for husband/partner , being somewhat selfish , and walks away

Because she has the right to remove herself from any relationship at any time @steadyasugo. I could say my husband had no concern for me when he took any intimacy off the table 15 years ago, I could say he had no regard for me when he held me to my marriage vows not to seek intimacy elsewhere, I could say he had no concern for me in trying to initiate sex when I told him - finally - I was leaving.

Concern works both ways and he’s had little for me as long as his need for companionship and respectability were met. I love him, I want to help him through this loss, but my concern has to be, now, for my needs, feelings and happiness. There’s nothing wrong in that.

Things will be hard, but my god, the improvement in your life to be free, that's amazing

Honestly it’s early days, and I know there are tough times ahead, but my sense of freedom and relief are immense. I don’t feel any shame in being “selfish” about this, I should have done it years ago.

If a man is blind sided by his wife wanting a divorce he hasn’t been paying attention. My XH was the same and then bleating on about not wanting to be divorced, not wanting to be without the DCs etc. I told him “you haven’t said a single word about me there”. He replied “of course I love you, that goes without saying”. No, it doesn’t. And it doesn’t go without doing either!

You’ve done the right thing - welcome to the first day of the rest of your life

but you said that you loved him and want to help him, is thiswhat you are doing

@steadyasugo

why is it that the woman makes her decision , quite often without any concern for husband/partner , being somewhat selfish , and walks away

ODFOD

but you said that you loved him and want to help him, is thiswhat you are doing

I’m not sure why I’m engaging with this, but here goes. I’m making the right decision for me, which is causing him pain. I don’t want to hurt him but his happiness has come before my own for far too long. I can help him find his way through, but I’m leaving - that’s not negotiable. The manner and means by which I do that are, and supporting him in his pain is one way I can try to limit the damage to our relationship which is important because we will, hopefully, co-parent our kids. Help doesn’t mean “do what he wants”, it means make it as easy as possible.

I understand that sense of relief, I felt the same. I’m a little further ahead than you and it’s been tough sometimes, the guilt can be really hard even when you know it’s the right thing.

Well done, it’s an exceptionally brave step.

@steadyasugo I think it's clear that OP has shown more than enough concern and consideration for her partner to have taken so long to finally break free from a miserable situation. I don't normally comment in anger, but it's comments like yours that set people back. I felt it myself when I read it. It doesn't take much to make you crumble, so please be supportive, this is obviously a very sad time for OP and she hasn't taken the decision lightly at all.

Why is it wrong for a woman to be 'selfish' (i.e. have the temerity to prioritise her wants and needs - usually for once, so it's the equivalent of being mauled by a duck in terms of surprise factor), and yet, if a man does it, that's just parr for the course? How many men have left their wife and their children without a backward glance, and it's just accepted as 'just the way it is', because IT'S SO DAMNED COMMON?!

It took me a long time too, and when I told mine, it still took over a year for him to leave. 18 months on and I'm so happy, I knew it was the right decision. The bit you're at is tough, good luck op, you can do it!

steadyasugo if men can walk away, why can't women? Everyone is allowed to end a relationship in which they are unhappy. The preservation of the marriage at all costs benefits no-one. It's internalised misogyny to suggest that it's somehow worse for a woman to end a relationship.

I think its really sneaky to go along for ages letting the other person think everything is fine and then dropping thd divorce bombshell. I say this becsuse I know folk this has happened to. It's horrible.

And if that’s what had happened here, you’d have a point, but it isn’t, so you don’t.

Good for you op. You may find you never feel sad or bad for your decision, as it's the right one. You've told him you're unhappy yet he's chosen to do nothing about that. You've tried to engage with him about sex, but again he's chosen no sweep it under the rug. There has to come a time when you say enough is enough.

@Viviennemary

I think its really sneaky to go along for ages letting the other person think everything is fine and then dropping thd divorce bombshell. I say this becsuse I know folk this has happened to. It's horrible.

But that's not what's happening here. OP has said 'I too had said repeatedly (often in tears) that I needed things to change or I’d be gone'.

I apologise then. I meant people who pretend everything is wonderful.

Viviennemary I'm surprised such a long term MN presence hasn't yet learned to RTFT.

And how does that apply here? I have plenty of people in my life who will hold me to account for my decision making, and plenty more who will pass ill-informed judgement, I don’t need you adding to them here, thanks.

Its your life and you can do what ever you want , which is exactly what you are doing .There`s far too much encouraging splitting up , work at relationships

Making the decision and saying it's over is the hardest part.

My exH laughed in my face and told me he wouldn't allow me to divorce him. Years of gaslighting and abuse had left me a shell of my former self.

I never made a better decision in my life, and the price (which was very high), was worth it.

I think, along with 'there's none so blind as those who don't wish to see', there's 'none so deaf as those who don't want to hear'.

And they'll always grizzle that you should have spoken up louder.

There`s far too much encouraging splitting up , work at relationships

How long do you work for? 10 years, 20? 30? Until death do us part? Or maybe taking responsibility for your own happiness is ok, having given it a good go.

Its your life and you can do what ever you want

Yes it is, and only I know the path it’s taken to get to this point. Again, I have plenty of people who know me who can hold me to account. You aren’t one of them.

If you have been unhappy for a long time, that’s great news, I remember telling my wife I wanted a divorce like it was yesterday, she claimed she would change, never did.
Best thing I ever did, go live the rest of your life in happiness

@steadyasugo

Its your life and you can do what ever you want , which is exactly what you are doing .There`s far too much encouraging splitting up , work at relationships

Oh God, another one of those. The preservation of the marriage at all costs.

Is 15 years of working at a relationship not long enough for you? Most jail sentences are shorter than that. Take your misogynist sanctimonious baggage elsewhere - I'm sure there's a site for surrendered wives somewhere, you'd feel right at home.