I'm back to see if I can find help, hope you don't mind me jumping in @IknowwhatIneed Well done to you for being firm and not letting things drag on. It must be so hard, but it has to be done 
I described a bit of how things are at home, no intimacy, pretty much separate lives, sometimes he gives me the silent treatment if we have an argument, then snaps out of it as if nothing was ever said, has made our youngest dc cry while having a go at me, lazes about on the sofa on a night etc etc etc
Anyway, we went out the other night to see a band. I knew it would be awkward, and it was, the two of us standing miles apart, barely speaking. The whole of the rest of the crowd would have instantly clocked the unhappy couple, it was so obvious. Then the next night I was at my best friend's 50th birthday party and got chatted up by this bloke. Admittedly he was old and awful and slightly scary, but, you know, at least I was appreciated!! Dh didn't bat an eyelid when I got ready to go out (slightly dolled up for once) in sequin leggings and heels, might as well have been dressed in an old bin bag for all the notice he takes. I'm going off on a tangent.
What I really wanted to say was, if dh was miserable and silent all the time, I think I could work up the courage to say enough is enough. But yesterday he insisted on a family afternoon out. He even missed the football for it. The weird thing was, when we got to the place we were visiting (a cathedral - I'm totally not religious, but I love the building) they were having a special service to commemorate women who have died at the hands of abusive partners. To cut a long story short, the speaker there described how it was up to men to change, and it wasn't just physical violence, but emotional and mental abuse that can cause so much damage in relationships, and I ended up in tears, thinking that sometimes I feel like this happens to me. DH wouldn't have any clue that this might apply to him. Also, the choir was absolutely amazing and I was in bits, but I kept it to myself and we went home as if we'd just had any normal day out. Then on the evening he put Strictly on, he'd recorded it from the saturday night, I'm not bothered about it in the slightest. But he was like "oh wow, this is amazing! They'll get 10s all round! What do you think, ?!" And then, "come on then, , predict the scores for this dance!" really enthusiastic and excitedly..... As if we're playing happy couples. Bearing in mind last year he provoked a really silly argument about whether or not they were doing Halloween week in which he kept rewinding the recording of part of it several times and saying right at my face "see, , is that or is that not a Halloween costume?" over and over until our youngest (again) started crying. So this sticks in my mind whenever it's on telly, so no, I don't want to join in with 'predict the scores.' But of course I look like the bad guy as usual. I realise this sound like total gibberish, so well done if you can make out what I'm trying to say! But sometimes he does this over the top happy family thing, and the rest of the time he's back to lounging about while I get on with jobs around the house. It's as if he wants to be seen as the hero dad, getting us to go out "as a family" when most of the time it's just me and the kids doing things together, and he doesn't bother. So if I seem off with him, well, you know what I mean.
So, is he trying to prove a point here and force me into a position where I can't tell him it's him who has caused so much unhappiness in my life? It feels like he can now say to me 'look at me! I'm making all the effort here!' I feel like whenever I build up a bit of momentum, I get knocked down again. Cheerful dh is a lot harder to deal with than miserable dh. Just feeling stuck again. Sorry for the ramble. Sending to everyone wading through the mud x