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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight I told my husband…

195 replies

IknowwhatIneed · 01/11/2021 23:57

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

OP posts:
LadyLazarus20 · 08/11/2021 21:35

Well done OP, you are an inspiration. As are others that have left their DPs after years of misery and shared on this thread. I will be joining you very soon once I have my plan sorted. And... I am also 44 years old Grin my plan is to do this before I turn 45. I'm thinking of it as a birthday gift to myself!

Holothane · 08/11/2021 21:41

I’m dreading telling mine next year if all my plans come right he has my issues and that’s the guilt bit kicking in, he can’t manage without me. He’s always telling me this. Well done for doing this op. Hugs lots of them.

Holothane · 08/11/2021 21:42

Sorry mental health issues.

cravingthelook · 08/11/2021 21:47

Yes, that's the usual, we were in marriage counselling and he didn't see it coming.

Or he thought that if he went along to counselling and played the game I'd not leave. Greatest thing I ever did.

seagrasshouse · 08/11/2021 21:56

OP can I ask how old your kids are?

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 08/11/2021 22:04

Thank you , though I’m not feeling at all inspirational at the moment, he’s literally acting like it’s not happening - and he’s changed his SM profile picture to one of me on our wedding anniversary - nit even a decent picture 🙄

I’m going to sleep on it (on the sofa, again) and decide what I do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 08/11/2021 22:04

@seagrasshouse they are 8 and 10.

OP posts:
seagrasshouse · 08/11/2021 23:09

But how do people do it?
How do you manage to break up when kids are so young?
How will you take them on holidays? Would you go alone with the kids abroad?
It's so relentless looking after young kids totally alone.

I'm so confused.

seagrasshouse · 08/11/2021 23:12

Also, your husband would be entitled to 50% custody based on what I have read of this thread. Would you be ok with that?

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 08/11/2021 23:21

I’m fine with him having joint custody - it’s important they can retain their relationship with him, and I’d want to support that. As much as I want my kids with me, it’s in their interests to be with him too, my hope is that we can coparent well.

While looking after young kids is relentless, it’s much harder being in a soulless relationship - we’d go on holiday the three of us, many single parents manage it.

OP posts:
TrishM80 · 09/11/2021 07:21

He fell asleep and was snoring?! After you told him you were divorcing him?! What a bastard, if he had any sort of human emotion at all he shouldn't have been able to sleep a wink that night.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 08:35

He came down this morning and said he will move out by the end of the month. I’m both very relieved and sad, need to sort out finances etc and do some planning but he seems to be adjusting to the idea, and hopefully we can stay amicable for the kids. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
seagrasshouse · 09/11/2021 08:53

So does this mean your 8 and 10 year old will be shuffling backwards and forwards from his place to yours in the future? Won't that be so disruptive for them?

I'm not criticising just curious as to your feelings about that

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 09:04

It does, and yes it will be disruptive for them. I’d much rather my marriage was happy, that I had a husband who was interested in me and that we could stay together but that’s not what I’ve had for a very long time. In the circumstances it’s better that they see both parents regularly and have a relationship with us both, so while it will be disruptive, it’s necessary.

The alternative is me staying with my husband and becoming more and more resentful, which would be awful for all concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 10:03

@LadyLazarus20 what a gift to yourself, freedom, peace of mind, control over your own life - and the possibilities of new things.

I turned 50 this year and I know part of my thinking is “now or never”, while I still have some good years ahead.

OP posts:
seagrasshouse · 09/11/2021 10:25

@TrishM80

He fell asleep and was snoring?! After you told him you were divorcing him?! What a bastard, if he had any sort of human emotion at all he shouldn't have been able to sleep a wink that night.
I don't think this is a helpful comment. OP has clearly said her husband is not a bad person just that she feels he is disconnected from or disinterested in her.

Calling someone a bastard, someone you know nothing about, whose feelings and motivations you know nothing about is knee jerk and unhelpful.

freeatlast2021 · 09/11/2021 15:41

@seagrasshouse I am sorry but you have to stop posting. Your comments are not helping. OP is here for support not interrogation and not to make her feel worse.

femfemlicious · 09/11/2021 16:26

I totally agree. I hate the way they call men terrible names here. They always ascribe the worst intentions to anything a husband does. Im not a "man l9ver" but its quite disturbing

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 16:30

Thank you @freeatlast2021

OP posts:
mbosnz · 09/11/2021 16:39

@IknowwhatIneed, I'm sure there will be tough times for you all, as you sort out and adjust to the new reality. I do not think your husband can exactly claim this to be a bolt from the blue, but I guess from his point of view, sticking his head in the sand and ignoring your warnings of your unhappiness has worked well for him for years, and why the heck has the worm turned?!

But from your point of view - you've given him all the chances in the world, and he ignored them until it was way too little, way too late, and very hard to trust as being a permanent change of affairs.

There will be ups and downs, I'm sure, but you will all adjust, and your children still have two loving parents, who now have the chance (both of them) to seek real happiness and caring in their own lives, while providing love, caring and support to your children.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 09/11/2021 16:51

What a bastard, if he had any sort of human emotion at all he shouldn't have been able to sleep a wink that night.

My STBX isn’t a bastard at all, he’s a loving, decent man who reacts to things in his own way, as we all do. I know he’s had sleepless nights and tears over this, he’s not emotionally void, he’s just not right for me now for many reasons, none of which make him a bastard.

More accurate to say we’re both hurting in our own ways and can’t fix it by staying together.

OP posts:
Sicario · 10/11/2021 10:17

You are making a brave and informed choice to end your marriage. 50 is young enough to rebuild your life. You have the benefit of age and experience on your side, and you are right about not letting the situation drag along.

When I ended my marriage, the first holiday I took with the kids, I sort of broke down while sitting by the pool. Seeing the happy families and thinking to myself "why couldn't my marriage have been like that?". I even wondered if I had done the right thing. These thoughts are totally normal.

Nobody goes into marriage thinking it's going to end in divorce (unless they're a psycho). I put the very best of myself into that marriage and I got nothing out of it except heartache.

It takes some serious balls to call it a day and put the wheels in motion to end a marriage. Divorce is always horrible, but it's a lot less horrible than being in a crap marriage. Getting out was the best decision I ever made.

Free6874368 · 10/11/2021 18:39

@Sicario thank you for your post. I agree it is really hard, but hearing your through the worst... its really given me a boost as I am sure it has others.

LadyLazarus20 · 10/11/2021 19:34

Completely agree with @Free6874368. Such a great post @Sicario and it has given me a boost too. The only thing holding me back from leaving these last few years is that I wanted to try and achieve or maintain a happy family. I've often felt my DH has exploited that desire in me. He doesn't change because he thinks I won't leave. I wonder if anyone else feels this way?

Reminds me of a quote from Luthur. Something along the lines of "Women's biggest fault is that they think men will change. Men's biggest fault is thinking that women never will."

Free6874368 · 10/11/2021 19:40

@LadyLazarus20 yes. I said if things didn't change i would leave, I think DH thought it was something I was just saying rather than something I would actually do. It was still very tough saying I am ACTUALLY going now, I am the same as you I wanted to keep everyone happy at the expense of my own happiness