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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight I told my husband…

195 replies

IknowwhatIneed · 01/11/2021 23:57

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

OP posts:
RaisedByPangolins · 03/11/2021 15:44

Yeah why are the men never the ones working on their relationships? Yet more bloody wifework for us to do, understand their issues, push for counselling, spend time and energy we don’t have just to get the bare bones of what constitutes a decent relationship with a lazy Manchild. Fuck that. You get one life. Enjoy it and if anyone makes it shit, get rid.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 15:47

Yet more bloody wifework for us to do,

Indeed 👏👏👏👏👏

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/11/2021 15:47

The preservation of marriage at all costs - so long as the cost is borne by the woman?

pointythings · 03/11/2021 16:14

@mbosnz

The preservation of marriage at all costs - so long as the cost is borne by the woman?
This. Always, always this. My mother did it to me too - apparently I shoudl be 'kinder' to my husband, then maybe he shouldn't drink so much.

Not enough Hmm in the world for that!

We won't get anywhere until women stop being their own worst enemy. OP, forge ahead towards your freedom. Life without a man who's dragging you down it AMAZING - I'm living it.

user1471082124 · 03/11/2021 16:26

Bookmark

Today 14:00 steadyasugo

Its your life and you can do what ever you want , which is exactly what you are doing .There`s far too much encouraging splitting up , work at relationships
This person I believe is a provocateur

19Bears · 03/11/2021 16:29

@RaisedByPangolins

Yeah why are the men never the ones working on their relationships? Yet more bloody wifework for us to do, understand their issues, push for counselling, spend time and energy we don’t have just to get the bare bones of what constitutes a decent relationship with a lazy Manchild. Fuck that. You get one life. Enjoy it and if anyone makes it shit, get rid.
Exactly this!!!! God! If a stranger came into my house, saw me flat out on the sofa snoring in front of the telly leaving dh unable to even fkn sit down on an evening, while he cooks, tidies, plays with and talks to the kids, takes them out for a night time run or bike ride, sorts school uniforms for the next day, sorts bath and bed......they'd think christ alive, what kind of a woman is this?????!!!! But if they came in and saw it how it is, they'd probably think poor soul, he must be tired after work. And he's the one 'trying to save the marriage' I could scream. Us women deserve happiness, but we persevere until we're at breaking point before we even dare to think about ending the relationship. Why should we get to the point of mental / physical illness before we're allowed to justify wanting something better than this???!!
Mix56 · 03/11/2021 16:39

Bravo, I hope he remains "sad", & doesn't get bitter & revengeful as most do.
Go forth & flourish

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 17:01

He might, I’ve not seen that side of him but I’m sure it’s there, lurking underneath - if he does I’m in a position where I can leave with the kids without much notice, and I can make life much harder than it is at the moment.

I want to do this amicably and as easily as possible, but I’m no pushover. The amicable and easy can soon make way for stronger and harder if need be.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/11/2021 17:06

@IknowwhatIneed

He might, I’ve not seen that side of him but I’m sure it’s there, lurking underneath - if he does I’m in a position where I can leave with the kids without much notice, and I can make life much harder than it is at the moment.

I want to do this amicably and as easily as possible, but I’m no pushover. The amicable and easy can soon make way for stronger and harder if need be.

You're something of a breath of fresh air!
Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 17:15

Honestly @mbosnz, I’ve stayed in this for so long but have always protected my independence - I watched my mum live in an abusive marriage all her life because she didn’t have the resources to leave and I swore that would never be me. So I’ve built a career and a very scaleable business, I’ve a good, strong circle of friends that I treasure, and I’ve worked hard to be very sure about my decision to leave.

I want to be reasonable and respectful but that’s wholly dependent on him being able to meet me in that (allowing for his very human response which I’m sure will be angry at some point), I hope we can be friends down the line but if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok too.

I’ve worked so hard in every area of my life to get to this point, including on my marriage, so with clear conscience I can say i want it to be easy, but if it needs to be hard, I can do that too.

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 03/11/2021 19:47

Hello @IknowwhatIneed I swear I might have written your original post. I was with my ex for twenty five years and was miserable at least fifteen. When I told him I wanted a divorce he was shocked, "did not see that coming" and I said exactly the same thing you did, this just proves how disconnected you are. Next three months I spend sleeping on the floor while he slept more or less soundlessly in our matrimonial bed.

Strangely enough, he also has ED but never admitted it to me. I once found V in his work bag and though he had a affair (which he might have, who knows), but was surprised as I did not know he was using them. He then told me that he asked the doctor because he sometimes had issues with erection and stuff. We never sat down to talk about this properly, perhaps he was embarrassed, but he acted as this is nothing to do with me. On my end, I was struggling with sex for years, was not really into it but also sex with him was not very satisfying as you can imagine. Did not dare bring it up as he would get really offended.

freeatlast2021 · 03/11/2021 19:57

I suggest you totally disregard these negative comments. Your life is yours only and only you have right to decided what to do with it. I grew up surrounded with so much abuse and trauma that men inflicted on women and like yourself promised myself I would never be that women.

My problem was that my ex was not physically abusive, he was never yelling or cursing (exact opposite of my father) and I thought, I guess I should be lucky. But after two decades of struggling to be happy I took some counseling and found out that I was indeed abused, emotionally and financially and that is why I felt so bad all the time, while not able to explain it to myself.

The time between me having the talk with my ex and couple of weeks after he finally left were very hard emotionally. I struggled with feeling of guilt and just general sadness, but three months later, I feel so much better, calmer, happier.

“If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud.” Émile Zola

End so...I will. Smile

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 19:58

I've said I feel exactly like you, not sure if I said that I feel nothing. I left and all I felt is relief apart from the stress of starting again. No feelings at all. I had more regrets when I spilt from my first girlfriend 20 years ago after 4 years (no kids)

I've questioned myself about feeling nothing but it's because I've been unhappy but didn't admit it for years.

You know and you seem to be doing the right thing for you and inevitably your kids. Stay on your path.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 20:38

@freeatlast2021

I am still left wondering if I was emotionally abused because what she did you couldn't pin point. It was subtle or at least I felt. She didn't shout or anything like that.

I've moaned to my mum for years that I felt I married my father, who is passive aggressive and controlling towards my mum.

Go figure.

Free6874368 · 03/11/2021 22:26

I can also complete relate to this post. Good on you for making that decision, I also felt very relieved and free when I had 'the chat'.

I have two children and didn't want them to think our relationship was normal or healthy. It was thoroughly miserable. I have recently moved out and already feel so much better and no longer lonely. Sharing the children is really tough but staying was tougher.

I got to the point where I was so sad and upset, i had had discussion after discussion through tears with DH that I no longer had a choice. I had to leave. He did say after I asked for a divorce that he didn't realise how serious I was??!! WTF. how? Where have you been?? He was very sad and continues to portray a poor me attitude, he has lied to his family and they will no longer talk to or acknowledge me. All I did wrong, is ask for a separation. I don't feel sad, I feel such relief. Wish I had come to my senses so much sooner.

OP you sound so very strong, congratulations on doing what is the right thing for you.

freeatlast2021 · 04/11/2021 01:29

@1MillionDollars
I am sorry to hear that but I know what you are saying. So many times I wished my ex would yell at me, or hit me or have an affair. I could not tell what the h was he doing to me but I was exhausted all the time, and sad, so sad.

meg70 · 04/11/2021 08:41

@19Bears...why can't you split? What's stopping you?

meg70 · 04/11/2021 08:47

Congrats OP. Telling him is a huge hurdle. Telling the kids will be very hard, it was the hardest thing I ever did. How old are they? Best of luck with it, it's going to be tough living in the same house now until one of you leaves. That stage was 10 months for me and it was unbearable. I really hope you move onwards and upwards soon and can start to enjoy the rest of your life, free from the burden of an unhappy relationship.

Free6874368 · 04/11/2021 13:32

@meg70

Congrats OP. Telling him is a huge hurdle. Telling the kids will be very hard, it was the hardest thing I ever did. How old are they? Best of luck with it, it's going to be tough living in the same house now until one of you leaves. That stage was 10 months for me and it was unbearable. I really hope you move onwards and upwards soon and can start to enjoy the rest of your life, free from the burden of an unhappy relationship.
I left at 10 months, the relief was amazing! My husband felt he had to make it very clear to our children that our separation was my decision. Its so hard isn't it?
Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 04/11/2021 14:06

Oh God I don’t think I can do 10 months of this - I’ve worked out this morning that he’s hoping if he leaves it long enough we’ll just trundle on as usual, so I’m going to need to drive things which is ok but not what I hoped for.

We won’t be telling the kids until there’s a clear plan about what happens next, and I know how I want it to work, so probably just need to lay that out for him and go from there. The kids are 8 and 10, but only been with me for 4 years - the adoption makes things tricky in terms of supporting them so I want to do it as well as possible for them, not least because I’ll be doing the heavy lifting emotionally with them (as usual).

Feeling a bit fed up today but I’m out tonight which will definitely help.

OP posts:
19Bears · 04/11/2021 14:54

@meg70 Fear of upsetting everyone...

meg70 · 04/11/2021 15:06

Yes my ex also just hoped it would go away, so I had to keep pushing for it to happen, it was exhausting. We also didn't tell the kids (they were 8 and 10, like yours) until he had sorted a place to rent etc. I think he only finally left as he thought I wouldn't manage without him and would change my mind (wrong!) As others have said, I hope he doesn't turn nasty when he realises you really mean it, but be prepared for that. Do you have a spare room you can sleep in? Enjoy your night out!

meg70 · 04/11/2021 15:07

@19Bears start a thread? Those of us who have been through it and are out the other side (and HAPPY) can help you! Xx

19Bears · 04/11/2021 15:46

I'm all threaded out, @meg70 !!!! I have written a ridiculous number of posts and replies, and had so much support and great advice over the past year or so. I just need to get off the merry go round at some point x

19Bears · 04/11/2021 15:47

We are going to see a band we both like tomorrow night. Dreading the awkwardness Confused

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