Tonight I told my husband…

[IknowwhatIneed]

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

IknowwhatIneed all you can do is stand firm and keep reiterating that he needs to work to find somewhere else. Mine tried this tack too, completely failed to make an effort. But there are lets out there, he just has to search and call and visit. Mine found a place in a few weeks when he finally put his mind to it.

It still all ended very badly, but that was because there were some other very serious things going on.

@IknowwhatIneed I am so sorry for what is happening. I know exactly how you are feeling. My now ex applied for the apartment here in our coop complex and waited for it to come up, but in the mean time when I was asking him if he was looking elsewhere he would tell me the same, that it is all so expensive and so he will only move out if he gets the one here. In the meantime, I was looking every day and found tons of interesting apartments that were a bit more expensive but still acceptable, and kept sending him links to it. Same as yours, he would not even comment. In the end he literately told me he is not moving unless he got something here, so I started looking for something for me and the kids.

Luckily, an apartment came up here in our complex and he moved out three months later, but it was nerve racking. I also slept on the floor this entire time and he did not want to tell the kids until he knew that he had a place to move to, so I was always worried that they will come into our room and find me sleeping on the floor. I thought I was going to get a nervous break down or cancer, that is how my health got bad in those few months.

They know we want them to move out and are taking the opportunity to torture us some more, for a little longer. Yes, bastards. Even after he moved out, I was trying to be civil. Would ask him how he was, send kids over with things so that he would not be lonely, but he mostly never replied and was acting really cold and reserved. Luckily I am in therapy and my therapist told me to stop doing stuff for him, worrying about him, asking about him and I did. Our kids are grown up so we do not have to arrange anything. A few things I asked him to join us, like kids b-day dinners and such he refused, so now, I literally do nothing. It is mind-blowing to me, truly, but I do not even think of him and if I do, there is no emotion, just a huge relief that he is not around and I do not have to take on his grumpy, sulking, angry, complaining drama stuff any more.

Hang in there OP. I find that the period between telling your husband you want out and him actually leaving (and a few weeks after), is absolutely the worst, but it gets better, slowly but surely, once he is gone.

If he is not going to go then you and the kids leave

Hi @IknowwhatIneed,
Similar story here. Married 23 years. Sexless for over 10 years as I just wasn’t attracted to him so stopped it. I’d been unhappy for years and he just didn’t see it coming. I filed for divorce last Christmas and he moved out in the spring. Hasn’t spoken to me since. Thought I was being ‘silly’ and would snap out of it. Just one reason why I am glad I went through with it - he was oblivious to my feelings and needs!
Like you, I am the higher earner so doing ok. Still in the family home but will sell up soon. Looking at buying a new build but going from a 4 bed to a 3 bed.

I have no regrets!

I was gobsmacked last a friend told her husband saw I wasn’t happy five years ago it’s only now she told me as I told her next year I’m off (hopefully) so other people notice as well.

Sorry about posting here it’s the only place I can say stuff, I can’t say about plans 0r anything but at least I can vent here, group hugs for al of us in this boat.

My experience is to not get too worked up about how they behave as it’s out of your control.

I tried to be all amicable and tried to help with flats/houses etc. It led to him basically exploding and telling me to stop mothering him. Dragged his feet for ages but was shagging the barmaid in the pub within 3 weeks of leaving.

I saw a notification from Tinder on my ex's phone while he was still in the house, but he told the kids he was not interested in relationship yet.

@freeatlast2021

Oh I got it all once he realised I meant business. He became the most horrible person. We had been sexless for 7 years before we split and the resentment had grown. However he still didn’t expect me to instigate a divorce. I had the following comments from him after he realised I wouldn’t change my mind.

“It was over years ago for me. I haven’t fancied you since before we had kids”

“You won’t get anyone looking like that. Don’t go on dating sites until you lose 3 stone”

“‘I Can’t wait to find someone who is better in bed than you. I’ll start looking at the graveyard”

“My new girlfriend is dynamite in bed. She really knows who to suck cock”

Lovely. This was from a man whom I was with for 20 years and had kids with.

There may be worse to come for you I’m afraid.

Best decision I ever made though.

@Henno67 Oh, my god, that is horrible. Strangely enough my ex did not say much after I finally told him I wanted out. He did not try to get me back, like some men do, try to do better, to prove that they can change, nor did he become nasty, he just accepted it. I was grateful to him and still am as I really did not want to try again and give him another chance, but it does make me wonder why he gave up so easily. When people ask him if he tried to get back together he tells them he does not want to beg me.

25 years together and all he cared about is to keep "his" savings. Never mentioned losing me, love of his life, or kids, for that matter. When we had our first mediation session mediator asked us what we want to talk about and I said, child care arrangements and he said, money. We have three kids but two are adults, still living with us. His idea of caring for his kids, or at least the youngest one was, "kids can come whenever they want". I was so embarrassed for him and me, in front of that mediator. It turns out they cannot come whenever they want. He expects them to come on Sunday evening, for movie and pizza and that is that.

He did tell me, "you know it will be worse for you then me", and this is to insinuate that I am not so good with money.

I really think he thought you were all talk, you don’t mean what you’ve said and carry it through

I think there’s an element of that tbh, we talked tonight, he wants to get some money in place for furniture etc given he can’t find anywhere that’s furnished (there’s a real dearth of furnished places around us) so he’s staying til January. I can’t just kick him out because the house is his too and I’m not uprooting the kids this close to Christmas (which is what he’s banking on), but our finances will be separate which means I can save a bit too for when he does go.

I’m pissed off that he’s basically got his own way, but my hands are tied a bit. I’ve told him if he’s not gone by the end of January, we’ll be moving out on the first of February and he can explain that one to the kids. So two more months, fucksake.

My father stayed in a marriage having been tricked into it - pretend pregnancy before the breach of promise act was repealed in '62, and then, having made his vows 'before God and in the face of the congregation' stayed and kept his word. It cost him his job, his career, his house and, ultimately, his life. I was only 30 when he died, after 33 years of hell. She destroyed him.
Because he did the 'honourable' thing, I did too, despite being punched on the temple hard enough to smash his knuckle less than 3 months into my marriage. I stuck it out through drunkenness ed lasting over 10 years, withdrawal of sex, abusive sex, etc for 40 years, being ashamed to not have 'stuck it out' like my DF did. The divorce has bankrupted me twice in 4 years and has led to a near death experience for me. My income is 4k/year, his is 24k/year.
Stupidly, in some ways, despite him telling me he decided to destroy me the day we met, I still feel a sense of shame for breaking my vows by leaving.
Please, op, ignore the snide remark by a pp saying you're giving up too easily etc etc, and stick to your guns, and get the fuck out of a marriage that isn't one.
What sort of man supposedly loving his wife, deprives her of a sex life gor 10,15,20 years by not seeking help for ED? It's certainly not 'worshipping her with his body', is it?

@newtb

My father stayed in a marriage having been tricked into it - pretend pregnancy before the breach of promise act was repealed in '62, and then, having made his vows 'before God and in the face of the congregation' stayed and kept his word. It cost him his job, his career, his house and, ultimately, his life. I was only 30 when he died, after 33 years of hell. She destroyed him. Because he did the 'honourable' thing, I did too, despite being punched on the temple hard enough to smash his knuckle less than 3 months into my marriage. I stuck it out through drunkenness ed lasting over 10 years, withdrawal of sex, abusive sex, etc for 40 years, being ashamed to not have 'stuck it out' like my DF did. The divorce has bankrupted me twice in 4 years and has led to a near death experience for me. My income is 4k/year, his is 24k/year. Stupidly, in some ways, despite him telling me he decided to destroy me the day we met, I still feel a sense of shame for breaking my vows by leaving. Please, op, ignore the snide remark by a pp saying you're giving up too easily etc etc, and stick to your guns, and get the fuck out of a marriage that isn't one. What sort of man supposedly loving his wife, deprives her of a sex life gor 10,15,20 years by not seeking help for ED? It's certainly not 'worshipping her with his body', is it?

newtb this is so awful to read. Absolutely heartbreaking. So sad for you x

@newtb heartbreaking just heartbreaking so sad for everyone here.

@IknowwhatIneed - how bloody frustrating for you. My XH tried every trick in the book to stall the inevitable. If anything it just strengthened my resolve.

Take some deep breaths and hang on in there (while hatching your plans for a bright and happy future).

What if they just plain refuse to leave?
My 'D'H is all about the house, isn't leaving or selling it, over his dead body. Pretty sure me and kids can't afford to move into rented esp with pets. Stuck between the place where you've told them and nothing actually changing!

So glad we’re council on grounds of disability he can stay there till he. Dies.

@autismorarsehole

What if they just plain refuse to leave? My 'D'H is all about the house, isn't leaving or selling it, over his dead body. Pretty sure me and kids can't afford to move into rented esp with pets. Stuck between the place where you've told them and nothing actually changing!

If you house or rental is in joint names, you cannot just tell someone to leave, as they are legally entitled to live there, just as you are.

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/your-rights-to-stay-in-your-home-when-you-separate/

Exactly! I can't go and he won't go. I was naive in thinking this would the start of the end.

@autismorarsehole you can still pursue a divorce whilst living under the same roof but that doesnt mean everything has to stay the same what you do so.
Find a solicitor
Separate your finances
Agree a childcare scheme (who is looking after them /feeding them on any given day)
Separate bedrooms
No more cooking for him, or doing his washing
and so on.

Not easy, but doable.

How are things? @IknowwhatIneed

We’re in a bit of limbo at the moment, he’s more moving out til January and it feels like we’ve called a bit of a truce. Still doing things independently but the atmosphere is a bit easier. I can see him making plans so it’s not that he’s ignoring things - just getting on for the time being.

I’m a bit up and down, still sure about my decision and saving money where I can to make the transition easier, sometimes feeling sad, sometimes excited but overall doing ok, thanks @CosmicUnicorn.

@IknowwhatIneed
I know how you feel. I did the same myself although mine has been a bit strung out as the solicitor has taken ages and my pension provider took a few months to provide a CETV. He moved out in the spring but I’ve been living in the family home with the kids (the eldest stays with him a bit but the youngest won’t). I’m looking at new builds this weekend as an option for the new year as I don’t think it’ll be long before I get a financial settlement offer. I’m going to go to a 3 bed from a 4 but, tbh, I’m not bothered as we never used the 4th bedroom and I hate having so many bathrooms to clean. The new builds (the site that I’m looking at is only just at the early stages of development) is closer to the nicer places I like to go to with country walks and a bit closer to the school for the younger child (only has 4 years to go, 2 if she doesn’t go to the 6th form) and it’s not far from the main line train station so east access to London and Edinburgh for my trips away! Not far to work - 8 miles. Yes could stay here but I don’t really want to.

I have no regrets about ending my marriage - it was nothing more than a friendship! Here’s to 2022!