Tonight I told my husband…

[IknowwhatIneed]

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

Absolutely best thing. I walked away 2 years ago. Best thing I ever did. I'm free and you are free too!!

This is so right @LadyLazarus20 I think my DH is also fully aware of what I've said, but assumes I'll never actually do it in a million years, so he doesn't have to do anything about it. From what I've read here, so many men are completely shocked when their wife says it's over, as if they never saw it coming. And that's the problem. They have never noticed their wife's unhappiness until it's too late, far too late. A woman will fight on and on to keep everyone happy, at the expense of her own as you say @freeatlast2021 and by the time she's had enough, she's really REALLY had enough. But her DH thinks this is all out of the blue.
It's very very hard to acknowledge your own sadness and to want to change that when you know it will affect everyone else's lives. I really hope I can give myself the chance to be happy one day. And the rest of us here.

I told my ex our marriage was in crises numerous times, and he would agree with me. I often keep thinking what did this mean for him? That we did not have enough sex? Probably, just that. As this seemed to be about the only thing he cared about. When I told him I wanted to separate he said he did not think it was THAT BAD. I do not think I could find a more appropriate word then “crises” to explain what was going on. Can you?

I agree, men do not think that we would ever work up the courage to leave, because they know how much family means for us. The first think that came out my ex’s mouth was, “good luck explaining this to the kids”. He did not care about what kids would think, he said it because he knew this would hurt me.

@19Bears I really wish you set yourself free, soon, very soon. Remember, you deserve to be happy.

I put the very best of myself into that marriage and I got nothing out of it except heartache.

I really relate to that, I can honestly say I’ve worked and worked at it. My therapist asked me today what I would miss about being married, and then pointed out that what I thought I would miss were all things I was providing for myself anyway, that he brought nothing to the party I couldn’t do for myself. That really hit home in that I didn’t get from him anything that met my needs.

It’s sad to get to that point, but it confirmed for me why I feel so worn out with it all, and why it needs to end.

@IknowwhatIneed A similar thing happened with me. I had been going to counselling for a while and was lying in bed one night thinking about what I wanted to say to DH, and all I could think of was 'there is nothing I need or want from you.' I told my counsellor this is what I was thinking, and she said it's pretty much the perfect thing to say to him to describe how I feel. And it's true, I don't need anything from him, I do it all anyway. And there's nothing I want or wish he would give me. It just feels like a harsh thing to say to someone.

Oh god I’ve said some very harsh things this week - very gently and carefully, but there’s no easy way to say your marriage is over, I don’t want to live with you anymore, I want you to leave by the end of the month, I don’t have any attraction to you, or sexual feelings for you.

The thing is though, once said I felt relief, wonderful relief that all the things I’ve been burying and skirting around and denying to myself were finally out in the open. And the glorious possibility of change makes it worth it.

@IknowwhatIneed

I wish I could have said similar things, like you it would have been a relief and made saying it out loud better for my emotional state, instead I just denied (for kids really)

Now I say out loud to other people how I have felt and feel. Very freeing.

You're free and soon can restart your life.

@IknowwhatIneed how has this weekend gone? I found the weekends harder whilst we were all home.

Thanks for asking @Free6874368, it’s been hard going tbh, husband has been super engaged with the kids and doing stuff around the house that I’ve been on at him for ages. It’s enraging because it tells me he’s known all along what I’ve needed from him (re the kids and the house) and just hasn’t bothered. I think he’s still hoping I’ll change my mind, to my knowledge he still hasn’t looked for somewhere to live and I feel a bit fed up tbh.

I’ve been angry all day, trying to keep my temper with the kids, and put on a happy face. I just want him gone.

@IknowwhatIneed I am sorry to hear that. How frustrating! I assume like you say he knows what needs to be done but has carried on regardless as until recently he didn't actually think you would separate. Hopefully not much longer for you.

When I tell mine I dread it this will be next May but I’m asking his parents to be around as the fall out will be dreadful. I’ll have to leave at once, ( this will be planned for).

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐hugs to all of you further on than me.

I wish I could do this tonight. I've done nothing but bloody housework and keeping the kids occupied, food shopping, cooking, all the usual weekend jobs, while he's sat on his fat arse on the sofa watching Sunday politics shows, football, F1, bloody strictly, bloody strictly results, more politics. Why can't I just blow up at him??? I'm so angry in the inside, I've got palpitations. Why can't I just say it?

It may not be about blowing up at him, sitting calmly telling him you’re not doing it anymore is incredibly empowering and means he can’t dismiss it as a temper tantrum. I’ve not blown up at him, yet, it may come but I’m trying to avoid getting to that point if at all possible.

I’d also say that when you get to that point, wild horses won’t hold you back.

I agree with @IknowwhatIneed. A calm discussion is the way to go, I had no anger / emotion left. I got to a point I couldn't be bothered to even argue, I just wanted to be gone.

@Free6874368

I agree with *@IknowwhatIneed*. A calm discussion is the way to go, I had no anger / emotion left. I got to a point I couldn't be bothered to even argue, I just wanted to be gone.

Same here. I was angry for a very long time and there was time when I would take it out on my children instead of him, which I regret the most. I too was getting heart palpitations, high blood pressure and all kinds of mental and physical ailments by the end of it. But when I said IT, I was totally calm. Just said it and left no space for discussion. "Yes, this is what I want. No, I do not think we can work it out. Yes, I think that best 25 years of my life IS enough time I gave you." The End.

Thank you, you're all absolutely right, I need to calmly say what I need to say and not let it be an argument, a fight, or an angry reaction to what's going on. He announced earlier that he's not going to be here tomorrow, so I've had to cancel my Pilates class and will have to take the kids with me to my dentist appointment, and have had to get my mum's shopping tonight instead of tomorrow, but didn't say a word about it. Not a massive deal, but inconvenient, and I'm the one left rearranging my plans to accommodate his. Of course I could tell him not to go, but I'd far rather rearrange my things and have 24 hours without him I'm probably actually too calm! What I need to be is more decisive and assertive. Love to everyone trying to do this x

Oh, that feeling of dead calm when you know you're past the point of no return. I remember it so well.

So many of these men are so deluded and entitled that it comes as an earth-shattering shock when one day we tell them we're done.

Then come all the too-little-too-late attempts to make us stay. The cries of, "what do you want me to do?", "what have I done wrong?" and the best ever... "why didn't you SAY something?"

@Sicario

Oh, that feeling of dead calm when you know you're past the point of no return. I remember it so well.

So many of these men are so deluded and entitled that it comes as an earth-shattering shock when one day we tell them we're done.

Then come all the too-little-too-late attempts to make us stay. The cries of, "what do you want me to do?", "what have I done wrong?" and the best ever... "why didn't you SAY something?"

@Sicario Yes, exactly, I think that my ex was stunned when he realized what I did. He probably never thought I would have guts to do it. And yes, whats up with "why didn't you SAY something?" I literally complained so many times that he would say, "you complain all the time", but in the end he was acting like he had no idea. Also, a few months prior to our split up we were really struggling and I told him numerous times, that our marriage was in crises and he would agree with me. So what did he think I was saying. I think for him it meant, we have not had sex last couple of weeks that is all he cared about.

And @19Bears I remember so well being in a similar situation as you where I would have to rearrange my day to suit his need. I would usually just do it without saying anything, I do not know why, but I would be steaming inside. My ex was always doing only what he wanted and when it suited him and I had to fill all the holes in between, get up earlier to take the dog out, go to bed later because a kid had to be picked up from work, take time off work to take one of the to doctors or go to school meeting... While he was an amazing dad and husband when kids were young, I came to a point where I though to myself, he is useless to me.

But my now ex did not try to stop me, did not ask for forgiveness, beg me to stay or anything. I was grateful to him for it as that would just make things harder for me, but it does make me wonder, why did he accept it so easily.

Great he’s just said he wants come with me when I go shopping and my booster jab damn I was going to use that time to get my passport renewal done🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Must get him to change his mind.

@IknowwhatIneed...How are things?

Ok thanks, we’re just doing day to day stuff with the kids, being civil to each other and tbh not really talking about what comes next right now. I think he’s going somewhere to go but we’ve not had time to talk because I’ve been working evenings but we’ll have time over the weekend. I’m really hoping we can remain amicable - it’ll be better for all concerned.

In saying that, I’ve been quite fragile today - I think a combination of sadness and wondering if I’ve done my sims correctly and that we’ll be ok financially etc. I guess it feels a bit daunting - still absolutely sure it’s the right things but the emotion is definitely catching up on me.

Honest to God. So STBX said he would move out by the end of the month. I sent him a couple of links to furnished flats he could look at and he’s not said anything since. Tonight I asked him how he was getting on finding something - he said “have you seen what’s out there…” I pointed out I’d given him a couple of leads which he says are now reserved. He didn’t call about them and hasn’t enquired with estate agents about anything. Just not fucking bothered.

This is us pattern, if he doesn’t like something or doesn’t want to do something he’ll just ignore it, not talk about it, or have an adult conversation about it. He’ll just not do anything until it’s too late and then claim circumstances have got in the way. I know if I didn’t ask her not say anything until the end of the month and then say it’s too late.

I wanted him gone before the Christmas season got into swing, and it’s my DS birthday in mid-January so I’d rather not have disruption then. He knew I was trying to avoid having awkwardness over the holiday season, I know he’s hoping if he does nothing it’ll all blow over. I’m so fucking angry with him. Not least because it’s exactly this pattern of behaviour over every single thing that’s got us into this place to begin with. And if I kick off, I’m the bad one.

Fucking fuck, I knew this would happen.

Oh and when I did ask him about it, at a time when the kids were away and we could have talked about it, he answered with the whole “there’s nothing” and literally walked out the front door. No discussion or chance to reply, just walked out.

I fucking hate him right now. Bastard.