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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tonight I told my husband…

195 replies

IknowwhatIneed · 01/11/2021 23:57

I want a divorce. It’s been a very long time coming and I was feeling deceitful not just saying it, while scouring Rightmove and planning my escape. He’s devastated, didn’t see it coming at all, could hardly respond to me and all his responses were about the kids, and the house and finances, not about losing me.

The fact that he didn’t see it coming speaks volumes tbh, in terms of him seeing me. I’ve been so miserable for so long, took up smoking (yes, I know), no comment or conversation. If he honestly saw me, he’d have been able to see and hear how unhappy I am.

I’m now (not) sleeping on the sofa while he’s snoring like there’s no tomorrow. I feel awful for causing so much hurt, but at peace with my decision. It’s so bloody hard this bit.

OP posts:
CosmicUnicorn · 26/11/2021 17:36

The new build will be right on the edge of town too near the countryside so ideal for me. No option for them to build around the estate due to the road layout.

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 26/11/2021 18:24

That sounds lovely, so nice to be so central to things. I think I’m going to buy him out and stay in the family home for the time being mainly to minimise disruption to the kids. Might look at moving once we’re further through things maybe nearer to family support. I want to see how things like contact settle down before making any big decisions.

And yes to it being like a friendship - which is fine, I like having friends but I don’t want to be married to one. I had the day off today and went for a long walk on the beach, cleared the cobwebs away and it felt nice to just do something for me.

OP posts:
CosmicUnicorn · 26/11/2021 18:39

@IknowwhatIneed I went for a nice walk by myself today too! Bliss!

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 29/11/2021 19:16

So I’m finding as the days go by and he’s still here I’m becoming increasingly resentful. This morning he took the kids to school.

He had piled laundry from the tumble dryer all over the kitchen table and worktop, loaded the dishwasher but left all the pots on the stove with remains of porridge and soup he’d made for lunch, along with all the cooking utensils, he didn’t make the bed he’s sleeping in, left his dirty washing all over the floor, literally every room in the house was a mess. I feel like I get one thing straight while the rest goes to shit - and then I’m left to do that too. It’s just endless.

I cannot wait for him to go, and I can get things the way I want them and know they’ll stay that way. He’s now trying to corral the kids into tidying up because he knows I’m pissed off but doesn’t get that if he just sorted himself out properly things would be much better.

It’s his birthday tomorrow and I’ve been sorting gifts etc for the sake of the kids but I’m so very resentful. He’s also stopped putting money into the joint account because he needs to save to furnish a place to live, so I’m going to need to ask him for money to pay his half of the bills etc. I have no idea how I’m going to get to the end of January without exploding.

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 30/11/2021 00:49

OMG OP I totally feel for you. These last couple of months will be very hard no matter what. Hang in there. Your post reminded me of last year. My ex was laid off from work, so was just hanging around not doing much, glued to his iPad. I continued doing things as I always was while working full time. At one point he started complaining that he had nothing to do. I was naturally pissed but told him nicely that he could find something to do or he could take over some of my chores. For the next couple of weeks he was doing house cleaning. One day I find one of my kids doing it. I was like, what the f... I though dad was doing this. I found him in the living room on his iPad, and I was like, "why is X doing your work". He said, she was doing nothing so he asked her to clean. But that was not the point. The point was that HE had nothing to do and therefore I gave him some of my work which instead he passed on to our daughter and ended up doing nothing again. Angry Go figure.

cooldarkroom · 30/11/2021 07:55

Id be furious too
"I am not your fucking Maid, & I am not you banker"
Clear this shit up
Your share of the bills is X. You are using elec & water you will have to pay for it. Or you are out.
Give him one small present from the DC,
Keep the others for Xmas

Weenurse · 04/12/2021 21:26

How are things?
Do you have a strategy to get through Christmas?

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 04/12/2021 21:52

Things are ok, we’re just rubbing along just now - I’m turning a blind eye to stuff that irritates me and it’s fine really. Christmas is going to be strange, I’m planning stuff wit the kids to make sure we get some space from each other. We’re both off work throughout so possibly too much close proximity hence getting out and about.

OP posts:
Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 05/12/2021 18:30

Putting up the Christmas tree tonight and I just want to run away - it’s such a reminder of how broken our marriage is, chaos and total lack of awareness. The house is a tip, the tree is falling apart, the lights don’t work, the kids are all over the place and for the first time ever I really don’t have any joy in decorating the house - I just cannot be arsed. I feel like I’m marking time til I have the house to myself and can do it all my way.

Part of me feels guilty for the disruption that’s coming to the kids, part of me is worried I won’t be any happier on my own and part of me just wants it over with. I’m grumpy and short tempered and so very fed up with it all.

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/12/2021 20:36

So this is going to be a shit Christmas. Accept that. Start thinking about next Christmas - in your own house, without him turning the house into a tip, with everything the way you and the kids love it. You will be happier. You absolutely will.

freeatlast2021 · 05/12/2021 23:02

@IknowwhatIneed

Putting up the Christmas tree tonight and I just want to run away - it’s such a reminder of how broken our marriage is, chaos and total lack of awareness. The house is a tip, the tree is falling apart, the lights don’t work, the kids are all over the place and for the first time ever I really don’t have any joy in decorating the house - I just cannot be arsed. I feel like I’m marking time til I have the house to myself and can do it all my way.

Part of me feels guilty for the disruption that’s coming to the kids, part of me is worried I won’t be any happier on my own and part of me just wants it over with. I’m grumpy and short tempered and so very fed up with it all.

You WILL be happier. Hang in there. Flowers
goody2shooz · 06/12/2021 00:45

@IknowwhatIneed - you say ‘part of me feels guilty for the disruption that’s coming to the kids’ but perhaps reframe that to the much more orderly, relaxed, tidy home they will have without him? With a mum who isn’t wound, unhappy, angry and stressed? You will be able to run your home and family so much more smoothly and in a much happier atmosphere once you are separated.

freeatlast2021 · 06/12/2021 00:50

[quote goody2shooz]@IknowwhatIneed - you say ‘part of me feels guilty for the disruption that’s coming to the kids’ but perhaps reframe that to the much more orderly, relaxed, tidy home they will have without him? With a mum who isn’t wound, unhappy, angry and stressed? You will be able to run your home and family so much more smoothly and in a much happier atmosphere once you are separated.[/quote]
So true.

BourbonScreams · 06/12/2021 02:04

You're doing the right thing OP, not just for you but in the long run for your kids. I wish my mum had left my dad before he (and their dysfunctional relationship) had the chance to damage my sister and I, but now I just want her to at least leave for her own happiness before she dies. Your amazing strength gives me hope. Not long now xx

Original poster
IknowwhatIneed · 06/12/2021 07:34

Thank you, I think I’m just really tired (sleeping on the sofa isn’t that great for sleep) and I usually love all the Christmas prep so this year it’s hard. Yes @goody2shooz my home will be a much nicer environment for us all when it’s orderly and tidy and I’m not constantly working around him - I need to hang on to that. This time next year….

OP posts:
goody2shooz · 06/12/2021 13:02

Perhaps go and it yourself a new tree (ready for next year?!) and lights, enlist the kids to help you tidy round the living room at least, and see if that helps? Hopefully your dc do help with chores around the house - if not it’s probably time to start! And yes, here’s to this time next year! 🎄🍾

Knittedfairies · 06/12/2021 13:16

I wouldn't get a new tree this year as it would forever be associated with a strained Christmas; the last before he moves out. Next Christmas will be much, much better OP. You need to plod on as best you can - better times are ahead for you.

Hogwarts4Christmas · 05/01/2022 18:32

How are things going, @IknowwhatIneed ?

Iflyaway · 05/01/2022 19:16

How will you take them on holidays? Would you go alone with the kids abroad?

My god, it's 2022 and some people are still living in the 1950's... Hmm

I've been a single mum since he was a baby and we've travelled all over the world together. It's not difficult!!

movingon2022 · 03/03/2022 19:11

@IknowwhatIneed how are you doing?

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