Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

Sorry to hear this. I've got a very moody husband too so can empathise. Wish things were different!

Why are you staying with the moody, creepy prick? Wouldn't you be happier single? Life is too short to waste with miserable people. And the kids don't deserve to be stuck in this household either.

What keeps you with such a man now?. One day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later also because it sounds utterly miserable for then too. They won’t want to come back and see you all that often. You cannot protect them from him either because you are all currently under the same roof.

This relationship is to all intents and purposes over or it should be.
What you’re really describing from him here is emotional abuse, he sees you as his personal emotional punchbag and you’re being ground down. Chances are one or even both his parents does the same too so this is learnt behaviour. He is doing this because he an and it works for him. It’s deliberate behaviour and I dare say he is completely different to people in the outside world like work colleagues. The fact too he has not got help nor even wants it is telling too, he’s got you to abuse as he sees fit.

Where do you see yourself in say six months time, still with him?... I sincerely hope not.

Sorry that you feel sad OP. As you are well aware, It’s not your job to jolly your spouse along. Don’t spend your life doing it, you have better things to do.

Thank you. Me too! Hes always been a bit of a brooder I guess but he seems to be getting worse and worse and doesn't help that he doesnt communicate well and bottles things up,I on the other hand like to get things of my chest and deal with them head on cos if I just internalise everything it isn't good for my mental health and I do find myself tippy toeing around him a bit.I know hes unhappy too but if he doesn't want to talk about or change anything what can I do.

I wouldn't be in the mood for sex with a man like that, either.

You don't have to stay and put up with it, if he refuses to do anything about it.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. This man is using his moods aka emotional abuse to have absolute over you.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law and you can work towards leaving your abuser. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. What did you learn in childhood about relationships? Would you want them to have a similar relationship to how yours is now as adults, no you would not.

I dont think it's abuse I think he just can't communicate properly he's like it with most people think hes fairly quiet at work aside from a few close friends. He clearly dislikes my family which really upsets me. He had a tough childhood and basically brought himself up. I stay because I love him and it's not all the time sometimes things are great..but I've been feeling more and more worn down and resentful lately. He loves the kids and they him but i do some times feel like it's us v him when he's on their case about something and he thinks I undermine him.

I reiterate that abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. Abuse also is not solely physical in nature.

What is your own definition of abuse here. How else would you describe what your husband is doing to you and his children?.

If a friend was telling you all this what would you own counsel be?

Many people as well have tough childhoods and they do not all go onto abuse their partner like your husband does towards you and the kids. It’s an excuse and a poor one at that you use for him and it does not help you or even him any.

Are you confusing love here with codependency?. His actions towards you and they are certainly not loving ones are they?.

You are unhappy and your emotions are telling you everything you need to know. I’m sorry this is direct but act on them.

If you’re being ground down here by him it’s a sure fire bet that your kids are feeling the self same. They also see your reactions to each other both spoken and unspoken. This is no legacy to leave your kids here, it really is not.

Life is too short for this crap.

Tell him to go get help or leave/you leave will divorce him. Tell him you've had enough.

Can you leave, do you have money?

A person can only be supportive enough, a person can only take so much.

Life really isn't worth being miserable in it. It's hard enough as is.

Honestly I've prob painted him in a bad light here he isn't abusive my children are not abused they are very happy and contented kids, I make sure of that. We have a son who has asd and sometimes it's bloody hard for both of us,we don't get alot of time together and because I'm so busy all day long with the kids I do tend to want space in the evenings I guess he feels pushed out, I'm not perfect at all, I can lash out with my words at him or be inpatient with him.he never says anything hurtful to me or hits me or anything at all it doesn't feel remotely abusive.im just frustrated as his depression is clearly dominating family life and making us both unhappy and he won't get help. And the lack of talking things out instead of brushing it under the rug.

Years of misery for you and your children with this depressed man who won't get any help for it but whines for sex makes me wonder what exactly you love about him. People can have hard childhoods without turning into a cloud of misery.

OP,

He sounds awful and you sound both exhausted and worn out.

He most definitely is abusive and your children will be thrilled to leave home and get away from this house.

You sound in denial about how affected the children are by him.

Why would you want to grow old with suchba miserable man who doesn't care if he creates a miserable atmosphere for everyone around him.

He wants to keep your family away from you, that is why he is awful to them.

I feel very sorry for your children.

He will only get worse as he grows older, and your world gets smaller.

@AttilaTheMeerkat is bang on the money.

I have pretty much said things need to change or it's not going to work and whenever I say anything like that he clams up I've written a list of things that he/we need to work on. I don't work I'm a sahm to four kids I am in the early stages of setting up a small business from home but that's only just very early stages I have no where to go if I did leave tbh I feel very lost.

What is your definition of abuse?

You’re basically papering over the cracks here with him but these are fast becoming chasms.

I do not doubt your children are happy and content, well on the surface anyway. But they know that your relationship between you and their dad is not at all good and no amount of you knocking yourself out for them because he really does not will change that fact.

What you are describing is abusive behaviour from him towards you and in turn your children who will pick up on all the vibes too. He does not have to say anything to you in order to hurt you, he’s already hurting you all via his moodiness aka emotional abuse which in turn dominates your whole household. Like many abusers as well, he is annoyed by the fact that your attention is mainly on your children and their welfare rather than solely on him. The only person your husband cares about is his own self, he really has no respect for you whatsoever.

You’re not responsible for him, only your own self and children.

I would think it a given he will go onto try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to set up your home based business. His moods will also go some way into trying to disrupt it as well.

I would seek legal advice to find out exactly where you stand regarding all aspects of separation from him. It’s certainly not a given that you would have to leave the marital home and besides which you are the primary caregiver to your children.

I think he needs to see a doctor and might need medication to sort out his moods.
Have a conversation about this as your starting point. If he refuses yet again to do this you need to think about whether you're happy to live with him.

I'm afraid I don't have any words to help.
But wanted to let you know, I have a very similar sounding husband. Moody, silent treatment when I do/say the wrong thing/make a mistake and dislikes my family.

I know abuse takes many forms from emotional, to physical to sexual, controlling behaviours he doesn't display those,he doesn't stop me from seeing friends, family,or doing anything I want to do,he doesn't lash out physically or verbally he doesn't call me names or swear or shout at me.its very difficult for me to hear so many of u describe this as abuse because it honestly doesn't feel like that. I'm not a stranger to it I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as a teen with a guy who controlled me by manipulation and sweet talk he used to threaten suicide when I would try to leave etc my sister also was in an abusive relationship for a lot of years and I helped her get out of it. I do agree though that it isn't doing any of us any good himself included and I'm going to tell him that he needs to get help or I'm going to leave because we can't keep on like this.

I stay because I love him and it's not all the time sometimes things are great

You wouldn't want to eat a sandwich with just a little bit of shit in it.

OP, it needs to be him that leaves, not the other 5 people in the house.

@wedowonder thank you and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this also. It makes it so hard to live with..but I do feel like I've unintentionally given people a bad impression of him. I do believe he is suffering with very bad depression and has been for a long time I don't think he is an abusive prick who wants to sabotage every thing I do or keep me trapped from friends and family or an awful father like some of you are assuming.

My abusive ex was depressed. I left him, in the end. He remarried pretty quickly and really ramped up the abuse with her.

Whatever is behind it, he is treating you like shit. That is no way to live.