Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

Whether it is abusive or not - well the reality is you don’t have to label it to know that your husbands demeanour, behaviour, moods etc are making you unhappy. His moods are having a huge impact on you and the house, and that isn’t ok.

Time for you to be strong OP. You don’t need to live like this and your kids shouldn’t have to either.

I’ve no doubt he has good qualities, and you’ve described good moods some of the time. But the unpredictability of it must be exhausting. Walking on egg shells, tip toeing around him - again, exhausting and not an environment that I would want to raise kids.

Where is the companionship? Where are the opportunities for you two to have a blether, to laugh together, to share details of your day? Where are the opportunities to have a cuddle without him trying to have sex with you? Even with young kids these things are possible and so important. Why he thinks you would want fo have sex with him given his behaviour is quite unbelievable. Another example of his selfishness.

Whether it is abusive or linked to depression - the fact of the matter is, you maybe were once comparable. You may once have had happy times and a reason to be together. You clearly do not any more.

The fact that he is rude to your family and ignored them too is appalling. I couldn’t be with someone who treated my loved ones like that. It is so disrespectful to both you and them, especially as you are close to them.

Personally, I would ask him to leave. It’s scary and the thought of splitting up your family is daunting but the alternative is years of unhappiness ahead of you for you and your children.

[quote Shutupyoutart]**@onthedunes* and @earthsight thank you both for your posts, this thread has certainly given me a lot to think about. Things are ok between us atm he hasn't been moody, isnt badgering me for sex, making more effort it seems even said hello to my sister usually completely ignores her! Maybe he's heard me,or maybe itl be like this for a while and will slip back again I don't know. I'm still going to go to the GP and get help for myself to work through my own feelings. Like someone said I can't control what he does but I can work on myself. @earthsight* it's funny you should say about the delayed moodiness when I have gone to my Mum's for a break he is always in a mood when I get back. Always. It's a pattern and my family have noticed it too. But it could be that he is stressed and had a hard time. Our Ds is a darling boy but he can be very challenging at times due to his asd. I am going to do as you advised and remove myself from the house /room etc when he's in a mood. I know it sounds like i am but I'm really not a wall flower I don't pander to his moods and I do tell him exactly how I feel when he's being an arse it just seems to fall on death ears cos nothing changes. We'll see If this time is different..
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Oh no that's shit :/

It seems like he's a worse type of sulker then. He's doing it as punishment and is therefore quite aware of what he's doing.

If eh behaves like this when you return from your mum's again - go straight back. He needs to learn that he cannot save up his sulking for later like this, and if he tries it, you will disappear.

Trust your own instincts. The first thing he will try to do is deny that he's sulking so you don't disappear, but don't listen. Just go.

@turnaroundtime Yet here you are on the relationships forum. Strange.

@Shutupyoutart
I must have written this post. You described my, now ex husband in detail. Well like i said, he is now my ex.

Always grumpy, complaining, criticizing, he would be rude to everyone, but especially my family who is always nice to him. At the end of the day, he too would want to have sex while that would be the last thing on my mind as I would be so angry and upset by the time we go to bed.

He never admitted to having depression or anything like that. He is actually very narcissistic and thinks he is the best. I could not cope with it any more, and called it quits. He was shocked and surprised and said he could not believe it that I would make the decision so suddenly and would not give it a chance. I however thought that giving him 25 best years of my life was quite generous indeed.

Just to add, you keep mentioning that he is depressed but you never said that he was actually diagnosed. I think he is excusing his behavior by saying he is depressed but this has never been confirmed. If you are asking me he is just like my ex, narcissist who wants things his way. I mean how do you explain that he is moody whole day but feels like having sex by the end of it. For him to prepare a bath for you, and suggest you have sex with him later, while you were watching TV with your kids, gave me goosebumps.

OP, I know that for you our "accusations" seem ridiculous, "your husband, an abuser?!", impossible, but you have to understand that most of us are speaking from our own experience and quite possibly years of it. From our prospective we can see what is going to happen to you if you stick around for another year, five or twenty. We know because some of us have been there.

If you are confused now, you can only imagine how confused you will be two decades down the road. You end up feeling sick, all the time, but have no idea why. You do not see anything wrong, you have great kids, and an amazing husband, what is wrong with you, something must be wrong with you then. You have no friends, you are estranged from your own family because it is easier then getting together where you husband is mean and rude to them. You do not go out, you do not have energy to do anything and you have sex with him regularly without wanting it really, just to keep some kind of peace in your house, in your relationship.

As for these who say we do not know what we are talking about, I just wonder what these people are doing here. If you think that we do not give good advice on MN what are YOU doing here.

Yes. I do not share.my story for sympathy, but as a warning.

This sounds rough OP, so sorry you're going through this.

Just wanted to offer another perspective. I grew up with a father like your husband. You sound like an amazing mum, but I promise you it will be impacting your children. As much as my mother tried to protect us, we were still beholden to his moods. As a child you are constantly seeking information, if it's not verbally given, you will tune into mood of your environment. Your children may not outwardly be displaying they are, but they'll be taking it all in, learning from it.

My father's moods sat over the whole house like a thick fog. As children, we never understood what we had done, but as children, assumed it was something WE had done.

My mum thought she was doing the right thing staying during our childhood,. Thankfully she left when we were grown, but I truly wish she'd left earlier (never share this with her, it would break her heart). The long term impact is both me and my sibling now suffer with anxiety, are on antidepressants etc. We are okay, but it has left an unquestionable mark on our lives.

It sounds like your children are young. Another thing to consider is how your husband will be when they start expressing themselves more, answering back, wanting different things, disagreeing. All the normal things children do. Will he magically learn to communicate or ramp up the moods in an attempt to regain control?

I think you have been extremely patient with him.

You said in your op that he won't seek help as he can cope with how he is. Well you can't cope. It isn't fair on you or your children to have to 'cope' with how he is. His selfishness is appalling. He is basically saying that he doesn't care how it makes you and your children feel. The fact you aren't 'coping' is irrelevant to him.

His treatment of your family is also appalling. He comes across as very selfish.

Yes he may have some of depression. The only appropriate response to that should be to seek professional help. You are really unhappy and yet he can't even be bothered to do that.

And then he pesters you for sex. What makes him think you would find him attractive? A sulking, moody, selfish man who controls the mood in his house, making his wife and children change their behaviour. What is remotely attractive about that? I'm shocked that he thinks he can treat you as he likes - sulk, moan, ignore, spoil days out, be rude to your family - but that you should jump to attention when he wants sex.

I know you don't see this as abuse, but whatever you call it, this man is making you miserable and affecting your children's lives. He doesn't care about how you feel. He is selfish. He pressures and manipulates you in to sex. People have split for lesser reasons.

I would definitely encourage you to seek therapy. In the meantime, don't tolerate his childish behaviour. If he's sulking, don't pander to it. Don't change your behaviour. Keep having a lovely day. Go out with the children without him if it would be more fun. Arrange things that you and the DC like. See your family as much as you want. Have a great time with them. Don't apologise when you've done nothing wrong. Don't ever have sex that you don't want. Spell out to him that he is ruining your relationship.

@jonhammsmistress great post.

My friends and her siblings ALL have different levels of anxiety and depression and she lays it at the door of her father.

When he was moody with her toddler one day she really went off on him and let him have, plus her mum.
She layed all the family's anxiety at his door for his moodiness growing up.

There was never a hint of violence just a very nice middle class family with all the trappings of a blessed life ruled by his sulks and moods.

After she let him have it, he never showed a hint of it again, (her mother was absolutely furious with him too) but she was low contact with both her parents as even being in his company as an independent adult brought her out in hives because of the damage of her childhood.

She describes herself as a hyper sensitive person to peoples moods and general atmosphere and she has low level social anxiety as a result.

She was a bright girl who has done well but she absolutely believes the legacy of her fathers moods was she never fully had the confidence in herself to meet her full potential.
Her siblings feel the same.

I remember her father as a sour man and we certainly avoided her home to hang out.

It wasn't until we were in our twenties and she was very upset when our other friends wonderful father died and she was devastated, that the full truth emerged.

Children absorbed so much.

The OP sounds like a great woman and thank goodness she remains tight with her family and they see him for who he is.

I reckon her mother has the full measure of him and will just be waiting for her to let them know.

Thank goodness she has that support on hand.

So many do not.

He clearly enjoys victim status. Behind this will be resentment for something that happened or rather he perceived that happened. He will continue to get worse unless he communicates.

Grumpy sex pest. Ugh.

It can be quite a facer to be confronted with the idea that what you have been excusing as mis communication is actually considered by outsiders as abuse.

This way of communicating is working very well for him. You are getting his message loud and clear. He dominates the household without having to exert himself.

Remember that he has absolute control over his own behaviour. He can be sorry that you are not in the mood for sex, without letting that seep into his behaviour.

He is choosing to sulk about it. That, right there, I'm afraid, is considered abusive.

Spoiling days out (and at home) by being grumpy, that is a choice he is making.

The good news is that he could stop this behaviour anytime he chooses to. To repeat, he can't stop having these feelings but he could absolutely control the behaviour. He could stop sulking any time he chose to.

I'd encourage you to set this out for him and set a really firm boundary. It won't be easy for you to get your head around this. I hope you will feel differently about how he is acting, once you see it.

So much of being a mother, a parent, is working out how your children are feeling ahead of their ability to articulate those feelings. You get good at it and do it for partners too. You forget that it's not appropriate to have to treat your spouse in the same way.

if he thought that I considered him abusive he would be shocked and heart broken

The test is whether it would stop him behaving in this way. Would it, would he realise what he has been doing and stop it? Or would he adjust and find another way to dominate the household?

@FinallyHere The test is whether it would stop him behaving in this way. Would it, would he realize what he has been doing and stop it? Or would he adjust and find another way to dominate the household?

No he would not stop. He would be shocked and appalled that she thinks of him this way and would look at her as a monster, "accusing" her "loving" husband of abuse, when he never "laid his hand" on her.

This is how my husband reacted when we had heart to heart last year. I was just telling him how I felt and he said, "you sound like you are being abused by me?". I said, "exactly, I AM being abused by you". The look on his face!!! No he did not say, sorry, or promised to do better. He never once listened to me, really listened and looked inside himself for faults. Like a true narcissist, he would never even consider something may be wrong with HIM, it is I who was ungrateful, over sensitive and wrong. I know why most of those people are shocked when their partner, mostly women, tell them they want out, its because they cannot believe the we would ever dare leave.

Every time I think things will be different he goes and proves me wrong again. I'm such an idiot .

Past week or so he's been great trying to be less moody, more attentive etc not pressuring me for sex I on the other hand have been very emotional I've not been well and we are having alot of behavioural problems with our son (who is autistic) I reached breaking point the other day when I broke down on the phone to my mum,she suggested I come up this eve for a break for a night. I agreed. Bringing dd2 for a sleep over with my niece who lives there at the weekends. All grand,also taking the dog as DS has been hassling her a lot and it's very stressful to keep him away from her.so dh would have dd1, DS and dd3 for a night and some of tomorrow. He seemed ok with this. Then this morning my sister rang yo invite dd1 to sleep at hers with my other niece who's same age. I agreed I get of the phone to my sister and hes like oh let me guess sleepover why does she always arrange it when I'm here with the two little ones on my own every time I think il get some help I said it's not her responsibility to help you she's a kid let her be a kid and go and enjoy herself. He's running out the door late for work (got to go In for a few hours) and he says "don't expect me to be in a good mood when you get back on Sunday" and walked out the door. Wtaf I'm livid .

I've pulled back from the thread because I thought we had turned a corner and didn't want to believe all of the things ye were saying but he's even pre empting being in a mood for when I get back. It feels so unfair I do it day in day out week in week out I need a break for my own mental health it's not like I'm going on a spa break for a week I'm going to my mum's for a night and I'm taking one of the kids and the dog! I feel so upset now and was act in a good mood this morning he's been so loving the last few days now this..

I've just come across this thread and thought oh this sounds familiar.

My DH is incredibly moody and he has this morning stormed off out of the house or so we believe, but to be honest no one really cares as it's lovely and peaceful with no drama.

I'm sorry that you are going through this and it's good that you have support around you. Take some time out at your mum's and enjoy it without the stress x

Thank you @itbereet and sorry to hear your husband is a moody git as well. Unfortunately when he leaves it isn't peaceful here it's stressful and it makes me really worry that if/when I get the courage to leave I won't be able to cope on my own

Maybe I over exaggerated as it's never calm in my house with the kids! But I had a moment of peace amongst the chaos. He's back now, all smile and charm, cuddling the kids and chasing them around the house.

I haven't read the whole of your thread but do you have a counsellor so someone completely separate to talk to? If not, speak your GP. You're struggling and they should be able to help.

Waiting to see a counsellor hopefully soon. Im now at my mum's with dd2 and he's already rang giving out that he's stressed etc.

OP,

I'm sorry that things are so stressful for you.

Please tell your mother the truth.
You are in an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately I think like a lot of women in abusive relationships go through a period of where they hope things will improve, to be proved wrong repeatedly.

He is not a good man.
He is not a good father.
He is not a good husband.

Unfortunately this is the truth.

He is abusive.

Tell your mother the real truth and call Womens aid for practical advice.

I'm so very sorry for you.
Stop answering the phone if you feel you can.
Keep posting.

He's just given his game away hasn't he. Predicting that he'll be in a bad mood when you get back shows shows he can plan his moods / switch them on and off to suit / uses them to control or punish you.

A loving husband would see you need a break and would have suggested it. He begrudges you having a night away and is planning on punishing you with a sulky mood when you return.

At best he is immature and selfish. At worse he is controlling and abusive. In fact scratch that - whatever the reason, he is controlling and abusive.

OP As has been said by others, you could be describing my ex.

You were in an emotionally abusive relationship before and you are in one now, he's just using different tactics.

He will not improve. You are going to have a life of bloody misery if you stay with him, and your children will not thank you, and will be damaged by his self serving bullshit.

turnaroundtime you are talking rubbish. HTH

Mybutteredbread I could have written your post! Is there some " how to" guide these twats all read?

@wewereliars

Mybutteredbread I could have written your post! Is there some " how to" guide these twats all read?

They aren't terribly clever, or imaginative, I've decided.