Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

@hillfarmer I can relate to so much of what you said. I'm delighted that he is now an exh. I feel like a different person than when we first got together I used to be so much more confident and bubbly and I just feel so low a lot of the time and like I'm going through the motions for the kids sake. I've thought in my head that If it doesn't change drastically very soon then I'm going to aim to leave when little one goes to school so I can work ATM I'm pretty trapped I don't work, though I am qualified as a Montessori teacher,I'm starting my business but that's going to take time. It's not something I can rush into. thank you so much for sharing your story and to everyone else who has it's helping me having somewhere to be really transparent with my feelings up until now I've just been keeping it mostly to myself.

@snog thank you I've kind of tried that but he doesn't see it as sulking anytime I say anything remotely negative he either clams up or says something like oh what a terrible person he is or something like that I've never act called it emotional abuse to him maybe I should tho I feel pretty sure i can predict the response.

It sounds like he is not willing to engage with you about the issues that his behaviour causes for you. I think that I would feel lonely in this relationship OP.

For the sake of your own self esteem I would suggest that you may want to establish more boundaries in your relationship. A good counsellor might be really supportive at this point.

I am 100% sure that you do your very best to insulate your dc from his negative behaviour but they will still be impacted by it and this is a reason to consider leaving as soon as you feel able to. They are experiencing emotional abuse too.

Really good advice from @billy1966 OP. You deserve much more than this.

I do feel lonely. Very.. it's ironic really since Its a very busy house but I've never felt more alone at the same time. Yes that's it exactly he doesn't want to hear it I've said to him before so am I suppose to just not say how I'm feeling then and just put up with it? To which he stays silent or says something along the lines of I don't want an argument. He fails to realise I don't either I just want to be heard and for him to open up too. His moods prob do affect the kids to an extent maybe like someone previously said I am underestimating how much. I don't know :( I plan to give them an amazing day today for Halloween hopefully he wakes up in an ok mood.

His moods affect your wellbeing and that affects your dc. You are modelling for your dc a type of relationship which is not what you would wish for them as adults. This will have a huge effect on your dc. Their dad is modelling for them how to be an adult and a father and a husband.

Obviously it's not easy to leave a relationship when you have children. These things are important though for all of you and are easy to disregard or underestimate because as a society we do not recognise or prioritise our emotional well being. We emphasise financial health and physical health, but our emotional health is also really important. You and your dc deserve more than this OP.

This is no way for your kids to live. What he is doing is emotional abuse and growing up with this is very damaging to children.

You need to protect them and tell him to leave.

When my DH was very depressed and as a result became emotionally abusive ti me (he completely emotionally withdrew and gas lit me saying there was nothing wrong) I initiated separating. He didn't want that and I told him that him having therapy was non-negotiable.

We had little money he said we couldn't afford it, I told him it was cheaper than divorce.

We're still together. It took twice as many years to get over it than the awful behaviour went in for. A long time to forgive him and then truly love him fully again and be vulnerable with him.

What is your line in sand? That is what it comes down to really.

Moody and sexually coercive would both be deal breakers on their own for me, let alone together.

He might feel he's coped with his moods but he's wrong if they're effecting you and his relationship.

I would just end it immediately, but at least give him an ultimatum for getting evidence-based help for his moods and behaviour. Then give him a few months and if there's no improvement, bin.

Yes I agree we deserve better than how things currently are. After bathgate yesterday when kids went to bed (youngest asleep on sofa) I sat on couch with baby and he sat on the beanbag I said for him to come on the couch if he likes and h we was like no it's fine I'm giving you space this just made me feel shit. Is this him act trying to give me space in a weird way or punishing me for not wanting to share the bath. I feel like I don't know what to think a lot of the time and wondering some times if it's me. I am making plans to ask him to leave if things don't change but like I explained it's not that easy and I do act want to give him a chance to sort things out I dont want to break up our family I have to think all this through and play it right. I'm all over the place atm

Morning OP,

I’m sorry you are spinning in sadness and confusion. It’s quite understandable.

Of course you feel this way. He is unreasonable. He is blaming you for your own distress. Where do you turn?

Not to him. Turn to family and friends who can be strong for you.

It actually doesn’t matter if his behaviour is ‘intentional’ or not. He is still doing it. How much more time will go by while you hope for him to change? Experiment with your thinking. What would life be like if you actually stopped hoping for him to ‘open up’. Try repeating to yourself ‘He will not change’. Then the world might be a different place.

The basic truth is nothing will change unless you make concrete first steps For Yourself

1. Do your exercise class again.

1. (Secretly) Find a family solicitor. Ask trusted divorced friends if they would recommend theirs.

1. (Secretly) See a that family solicitor. Find out where you stand. This won’t be fun but it is really important and will give you some understanding of where you are.

The is no timescale. You need to digest. But will feel stronger if you take action. Baby steps.

And by the way, no-one on this thread has a vested interest in the break-up of your relationship. It may seem like that since the comments are pretty unanimous. But there’s not much no doubt or confusion from people on here.

@Hillfarmer excellent posts.

OP, this is 100% your safe space.

We are hear to listen and to help you pull back some control of your life.

His abusive behaviour is grinding you down.
Its relentlessness is completely undermining your mental health and reducing you to a shadow of your former self.
That is all him.

How absolutely exhausting it must be to try and be happy and cheerful, running around after 4 children when you have such anger and sullen spite directed at you and the children.

You CANNOT fix him.
It is not possible.

No one can fix another person.
We can only try and do it for ourselves.....and even that is very hard.

I have no doubt you love your children very much and are doing your best.

But there is NO way they are getting the best of you because of the stress of what you are enduring.

No one is suggesting you up and leave this afternoon but we are saying that for your mental health to improve you need to be honest with yourself as to just how awful things are.

Denial and trying to blame yourself for being "too sensitive" will only further damage your fragile state of mind.

What you have is not love and though that is painful to accept, it is the truth.

Love is not behaving like this.

He does it because he thinks he can.
He thinks you're stuck.
He doesn't think you will leave.

He is not a good man and he will never be the man your children or you deserve.

Take your time.
Start to detach from him.

Tell family the truth.
Allow them to support you.

He is very deliberately rude and sullen to those that come to the house so they won't return.

He would LOVE if you had no one.

I know you find that hard to believe, but he would love you 100% alone and stuck so that you were in his total control.

Womens aid are so worth a call to speak to out loud, about how you feel.

This is NOT going to be your life forever.
It is NOT going to be your childrens life.

Womens aid will give you advice re the house and what you are entitled to.

Reach out for support.

Find out what your options are.

This will critically give you back a feeling of control over your life and future, which will be invaluable to aid your mental health.

Keep posting.

We know this will take time.

Keep posting for support.
We are here for you and understand.

Not coming to sit with you on the. Ouch is 100% a punishment for you for not allowing him to have sex with you. That sounds awful- because it is awful. It's coercive and manipulative.

On the couch

It may help to write down what is happening and how you feel about it OP

Yesterday was a good day. The kids were very happy and excited about Halloween me and him were amicable he wasnt being moody tho did throw a few passive agressive comments at me through the day I ignored them. I didn't want to talk last night was wiped out and didn't want to rock the boat by bringing everything up again but I'm going to talk to him tonight and tell him that he needs to get help or it's going to be the beginning of the end to our marriage. Lay out some boundaries and tell him that I expect he make more effort with my family,that if he has a problem he talk to me about it any snide digs il just be ignoring them and I've booked an app for next week with my own doctor aswell. I'm feeling brighter and lighter this morning. Thank you all for all of the support ❤️

So glad to read this.

You sound like such a great woman who deserves the best.

Be honest with your GP, they may have suggestions.

Keep posting

@billy1966 thank you so much you have been a huge source of comfort over the last few days all of you and it does make me sad in a way that strangers on the internet have offered me more kindness and compassion than the person who is meant to be closest to me. I will talk to the gp feel a bit anxious about it don't even know what I will say hoping itl just come to me when I'm in there.

OP, I'm so glad posting has been of comfort.

If and when you speak to your husband I would suggest you remain as calm and detached as is possible, to emphasis your seriousness.

I also think that you should think about telling him you now realise that his behaviour is abusive and you will not hesitate to reach out for support for yourself and the children.

He needs to know exactly how serious this is.

Simply telling the GP that your husband is emotionally abusive towards you and the children with his temper and moods and has the GP any advice.

He believes that he can behave in this way indefinitely.

He needs to know that your family, the GP, the police and Women's aid are all available to you for support.
That you WILL be contacting them for support as he is not going to be allowed to destroy the children's childhood.

If he doesn't like what you are saying, perhaps he should move out and give it some thought.

The stronger and more resolute you sound the better.

Women's aid will give you some great advice when you have a moment.

Emotionally, the more you detach from him the better it will be.

He thinks he has all the power and he can behave as he chooses, you need to spell it out to him, you are completely done allowing him to abuse you and you will take action.
Bully's like him do NOT like a light being shone on their behaviour.

He either sorts himself out or YOU will be reaching out for support from Domestic Abuse services for you and the children.

See how he reacts to being told what the future holds for HIM.

You can do this.

@billy1966 that all sounds terrifying.. I still don't see it as abusive really I don't know,I know I'm like a yo yo and prob sound weak or like a broken record saying the same things. I dont feel threatened or in danger or anything like that at all I'm just desperately unhappy.

"I dont feel threatened or in danger or anything like that at all I'm just desperately unhappy".

Being abused will make you feel like that. Your unhappiness too will radiate out to your children and they will pick up on this too. Your H does not have to hit you to hurt you, what he is doing by word and deed hurts you (and in turn your children). If he felt that his current levels of control was not effective enough against you he may well decide to physically strike out.

All we are doing on here is giving you ideas to think about.

Don't do anything that you are not comfortable with doing.

I am just suggesting a narrative for you to have in your back pocket if he does not take on board what you are saying it.

You read as afraid and deeply unhappy because of his awful moods and the way he speaks to you with his snide belittling remarks.
The definition of emotional abuse.
He certainly isn't behaving in a way a loving, kind man does.

He pesters you for sex.

The fact that you find the idea of telling just how unacceptable his behaviour is very telling.

You need to do things your way.
Whatever way is comfortable for you.

This is your life.

The most important thing is your decision thatvyours and your childrens lives are not going to be destroyed by this man.

That's why speaking to women's aid would be so good.

They know best how to manage this and they will tell you the truth.

But confiding in people as just how awful family life is, is very important.

Allow your family, GP, women's aid to support you.

If you ever feel unsafe while speaking to him, call the police for support.

They are well use to abusive bullys that rule their homes and familys with fear.

Because you are fearful of him.

Fear has NO place in a happy, normal home.

Just reflect on things, do things at your own place, and stay safe.

Keep posting.

I think that I've somehow given you all the wrong impression. it's not as serious as needing to call women's aid or the police or anything like that he is badly depressed which is affecting me yes but he's not a monster I think if he thought that I considered him abusive he would be shocked and heart broken. I mean I've said hurtful things to him too In frustration,I can sometimes be stressy and short tempered with him as well does that mean that I'm also abusive? I know you are all concerned for our children but I can assure you that they are very happy kids and very very loved by us both. Having said that I do hear what you are all saying and his behaviour isnt ok and I'm passed the stage where I'm going to just accept his moods and silent treatment when he's not happy with me. I'm going to insist on better communication and that he gets help with his depression that's all I feel able to do atm.. today he's came home in good form and he feels like the man I married it's difficult to rock the boat because I know that when I broach this tonight it will just make him put up his wall.

This sounds just like my ex, and the only thing that gave him the kick up the butt was when I had finally had enough. And sadly by then it was too late to get the emotion back for him.
So, I'd say end it now and create distance so that he can really have a think about what he's doing.