Goodness OP, you sound lovely and you do sound like you’ve lost track of what a loving relationship should be like.
[Apologies in advance for ridiculous huge message]
I too was in a marriage with a ‘moody man’ (who I was devoted to) with small dcs. I was also devoted to them, as it happens. I spent a number of years trying to cheer him up, pander to his moods, desperately analysing his childhood and his needs and wondering why I wasn’t happy, I tried to make sure things were nice and cheery for the kids, but he was sullen, contemptuous, critical. He tried to alienate me from my family and friends - told me they didn’t really like me. He’d ruin holidays, outings, time with friends. The list of people he seemed to like got shorter and shorter. He was incredibly critical of my parenting - he acted as if I didn’t care about their welfare, which shocked and upset me…as well as leaving me in a heap of confusion. He would humiliate me when I was driving so I would become a nervous wreck in the car with him. I was/am a good driver, but I would be fearful of being trapped in a car with him, whoever was driving. If I was ever ill, he was horrible to me because he had to sort out the dcs. I developed a stammer. Everything in the house revolved around his mood and me trying to second-guess or smooth things out around him. I was deeply unhappy and I couldn’t enjoy the simple pleasures of parenting our beloved babies. And…after all that…I can safely say I didn’t, at that time, consider myself to be in an abusive relationship.
What a caring partner should be doing is moving heaven and earth so their their depression/bad feelings/whatever did not negatively impact on you or the children, he should be conscience-stricken to think that his state of mind is causing you to be so unhappy and putting a black cloud of misery over the whole family. He should be agreeing to go to his GP and do whatever they recommend to get him out of this. He should be bloody grateful that you have been so patient while he has been such a shit.
But he’s not is he? He knows you’re unhappy - he doesn’t care. His depression or whatever it is is having a hugely detrimental effect on your state of mind and your ability to care for the children, and hell, your ability even to enjoy your children. He doesn’t care about that. He is contemptuous of you. He is contemptuous of your family. His contempt and spite oozes from him. And then to top it off he feels entitled to use you as a receptacle for sex as if, somehow, against all the odds, you might want to voluntarily caress the man who is effectively torturing you.
Don’t keep trying to work out why he does this. Maybe he was mistreated, who knows? He’s certainly managing to take it out on you and, in turn, the children,
‘Moody’ is not a good enough word for this… but let’s go with it for now. Whether you want to admit or not, his ‘moods’ control your day. What’s he going to wake up like? Angry, silent, sulking or ok? If he’s ok, you’ve already spent some emotional energy worrying which person he will be today. And then when he comes home - which one’s going to be walking in the door. Mr Stonyface or the Bathrunner? Not sure which is worse to be honest.
His moods set the weather for all of you. Your daily life is determined by this person - it is controlled by his ‘moods’. You are being treated very badly. He doesn’t care. In fact he acts like he hates you.
I think the penny will drop with you soon. If he acts like he hates you, and doesn’t care how that hurts you (and let’s face it, that would cut most people to the core)…then I think you have to accept that whatever he feels for you is not love. If he loved you he would be devastated that he was doing this to you. But he’s not. He actually feels ok with it. He is not caring for you. This is not love OR care. If I asked my XDH he would say he loved:me - but it didn’t add up, nothing he did or said aside from that demonstrated anything but contempt.
I don’t want this all to be about me, but your story seems so familiar. Your feelings are absolutely human and straightforward in this situation. But you are not responsible for making him a better person. He won’t become a better partner for you. He won’t be a very nice ex-partner, but you can stop living with him and your children can stop living with this joy-sucker.
And yes, as others have said - HE will be the one leaving the family home, not you and the 4 dcs. When MN says ‘leave him’ it’s not generally a literal walkout of the front door. What it means is that, however sadly and however many broken dreams go with it, your relationship is on its last legs. You do need to save yourself here. And save your dcs from witnessing you being ground down to nothing. They don’t deserve that. You’re the best parent here, you definitely need to show them what that means for them.
Abuse seems such a strong term. I found it difficult to accept, but he nearly destroyed me. Your family sound fantastic by the way. I love the fact that he could be as rude and obnoxious as he liked, but they weren’t going to be moved from your side. Huge salute to them.
Best of luck.