Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

He won't have counselling

Yes - because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him!!! In fact, he may not have anything clinically wrong with him. These 'moods' that you experience - he might have far more control over his twatish behaviour than you ever dared realise.

Thank you electrablue I think it is having an impact on the kids, dd2 in particular doesn't have a lot of time for him and it makes me so sad I've told him if he's not careful he will end up damaging his relationship with his children. @earthsight thank you your posts always make so much sense, unfortunately I think you are spot on that he basically sees me a housewife,mother and vessel to have sex with. You are right it really is grim. I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life and have discussed numerous things that I want to do to better myself and improve our situation like volunteering at a charity that has always meant a lot to me and he shows very little interest or support and seems to just not be listening. It wasn't always like this I think somewhere down the line he has lost respect for me and I'm beginning to feel the same about him.

Is it possible for you to split, financially?

Also quite frankly, in your shoes, with a man who is used to getting his own way sexually and who has expressed the opinions he has......I'd be quite scared to continue living with him.

If you feel can't say no to sex or you're scared at what will happen if you do say 'NO' then what is MASSIVE issue. How do you feel about that OP? What do you think would happen if every time he started on you you left the room instantly? Do you feel as if you pushed his hands away and said 'I don't want to'.....he would end up carrying on? It sounds like it could get to that :(

Do you have family support?

Sorry - typos!

Not right away no but I think I need to soon even if it's just to shock him in to changing things.

I don't think he would force himself on me no

He hasn't act said that he thinks his desire is more important but he has said things that make me feel that way

For example he almost always tries it on right after a shower or bath once told him off for perving at me he said"it's my god given right" I said excuse me you don't have a right over my body he laughed it off as a joke I'm not scared of him but I do try to avoid moods

They do get very bad tempered when they don't get sex

Well tbf I never experienced that with any ex's but yeah dh does get very sulky I used to take it that he was hurt about being rejected still not ok but more understandable I guess but lately I'm thinking he just feels entitled.

The sex thing has really upset me he's basically said not In so many words that his desire for sex is more important than whether I act enjoy it or not

There's a word for men who want to have sex with women knowing they don't want to. That's the kind of man you're married to.

He's so short tempered with the kids and I hate it. He's always quick to scold them and not giving them enough praise imo I spoke to him about that aswell and he seemed to listen and it improved for a few days and then it goes back again.

Your children are growing up in a household where they are verbally and emotionally abused and their mother is verbally and emotionally abused, as well as sexually coerced which is obviously sexual abuse.

He's never forced me to have sex but at the same time it's clear I'm not in the mood so it unsettles me that he does it anyway when he knows I'm not into it yesterday I said no I wasn't in the mood it wasn't the right time etc said it twice and he persisted in a light hearted trying to persuade me kind of way so I gave in and consented but it was clear I wasn't in the mood and it was for his benefit only.

This is sexual coercion, a criminal offence. He is committing sexual offences against you, his partner and the mother of his children, in you and your children's home. They live in a highly abusive home.

The longer you stay in a relationship with him, the more likely it is your children will replicate this relationship themselves as adults.

I understand it's easy for people to say LTB but my god, please please LTB.

Its very hard to hear people describe these things as abusive. I just feel so confused about it all and am constantly doubting myself and my feelings and when things are going well it makes me feel like it's just me making too much of things. Do you think he understands that what he's doing is coercive? Does he think he's just persuading me in a playful way and I'm consenting so maybe he thinks I do act want to. I just feel like I've been having a lot of sex that I don't really want to have and it shouldn't be like that but then he does something lovely and I think no your making too much of this. He isn't abusive to the kids he does shout a lot and doesn't praise them enough I feel like he just expects too much of them and he should pick his battles more. I think he finds family life hard and it's not an excuse to shout at the kids all the time I hate him for that and I make sure they see me stand up for them. I just don't know what I want anymore but when I think of another 20 years of this it doesn't fill me with happiness.

It is confusing op, it's meant to be.

Abuse does not run at a constant because no one would stay if it was 100% abusive from the start and no nice bits inbetween to keep you in situ.

They do know that too much could push you to leave them, it's the boiling frog analagy. Their behaviour ramps up.
Over time these men become more abusive.

You are still young and what many on this board see, is what is to come, the future. I think you can guess a little can't you ?

What of the time when you are older and he no longer desires you, what happens then? Do you think he will be nicer ? or do you think he will think sex is a god given right and you have become too old, too ill, or just too resentful, these types of men look elsewhere.

Instead of ever admitting they are at fault within the relationship or working together to repair damage, they blame and turn outwards for support and validation.

I'm sorry if that sounds depressing but we see it all the times on these boards.
Give us the age of the man and we will show you what is to come in most cases.

The crux of the matter is that inside he is not a kind man, he doesn't want to support you or uplift you, you have to jolly him up constantly and you're getting weary of that, as most women would.

You think all this effort on your part will be rewarded one day by at least a loyalty to you in your old age, well it doesn't oftern work out that way if you stay.

He is thinking only of his needs and wants, you are not giving him enough sex, enough compliments, enough usefulness, enough financial contributions, there will always be something you are not doing for him.

It's called being an ungrateful selfish bastard, he will never see it from your side and you are literally wasting your time/life thinking he will ever see your point of view.

Your eyes are opening now, it will be difficult to ignor the brilliant advice you have been given on here and not recognise the behaviours your husband is displaying.
I can see you are still in two minds as to whether you are at fault.

You are not at fault, your only fault was to trust him with your heart because he really isn't looking after it.

Again
Don't waste your breath.
And do not put yours eggs all in one basket with him, because he will eventually break them, and you.

You sound lovely, much too nice for him.

@onthedunes thank you for your support I really appreciate everyone's advice and am still taking everything on board. I am recognizing behaviours that I would normally have dismissed as me thinking to much of them. I just am trying to make sense of it all tbf looking back there were red flags at the start of our relationship we both jumped in head first and things got serious very quickly I think having read it on here that might have been love bombing. I feel so undervalued now he never compliments me or seems interested in anything I have to say or doesn't seem to anyway

I don't want to do this anymore. He told my 8 year old to fuck off this morning!she said she hated him but still no excuse to speak to her like that she's 8 years old ffs. He's been in a shit mood all day and speaking to me like crap. Im going to stick it out til youngest goes to school another year or so and then I'm done I don't want to do this for another few decades making excuses for his rudeness /moodiness and down right nastiness sometimes all cos he's "tired and doesn't have nicotine".

No, do not stick this out another year till your youngest goes to school. Why would you want to do that anyway, what good would that do?. That decision basically will give him another year to abuse you all and further grind you down as their mother.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I was thinking that when dd3 goes to school il be able to go back to work and provide for us all.

If he refuses help leave him. Any life would be better than a life like this. Tell him this.ake him realise you have had it with his shit.

That's awful him telling an 8 year old to f off. Did he say sorry to her. He isn't setting a good example here

I haven't read the whole thread but the bits I have read sound very similar to my soon to be ex husband. Bad tempered with me, blamed it on depression, short tempered and quick to scold the kids, expecting sex without any real consideration for my feelings. I posted about my situation on mumsnet years ago and @AttilaTheMeerkat gave a very eye opening reply that it was abuse. I had never seen it that way until then.

It took me a few years of planning, finding a job, and squirriling away money before I felt I was ready to do anything but I have now left him and the kids and I are so much happier for it, more relaxed and the children feel much more secure. Their relationship with him is still bad, particularly for my eldest, but it is better than before. I feel incredibly guilty for not leaving before I did, but I felt financially trapped and stuck. I know it is hard but you are stronger than you know and will be and to do it.

I know it is hard when someone says you are in an abusive relationship but please try to see what others are seeing. You and your children deserve a happy and secure life, please don't settle for this because the alternative is daunting. I know the unknown can be terrifying but it can be very freeing.

I wanted to add my story to see if it helps you OP. My ex husband was just like yours. I was constantly walking on eggshells and never sure why he was moody, but it was usually something he perceived I had done or the kids had done. I turned myself inside out trying to understand and change but there was always something else. I was a shell of myself after 18 years and suffered an emotional breakdown in the end. He hated my friends and family too. The sexual coercion crept up on me and I always gave in and had shit sex I didn’t want to keep him happy. Which would last a day before he would find another reason. If I didn’t have sex with him for a while he would make comments about it in front of people which was really embarrassing. Toward the end he would have sex with me without my consent (if I was sick and incapable or drunk, which I did get too often when things got bad) I wanted to leave for a few years before I finally did. He started to pick on my eldest child and I’d had enough. I wasn’t prepared to wait any longer.

I prepared by getting some therapy for me and feeling stronger I got little job which raised my confidence to get a better job. Applied for UC and saw a solicitor. I am now divorced and in my own house and have a good job I love. I’m a different person. In fact I’m the best version of myself I’ve ever been, divorce was not easy but just put one foot in front of the other and you will get there!

My children are happy and they see their dad but they don’t really like him much and I still keep things as amicable as I can but they are old enough to make their own choices whether to see him or not.

A poster above stated exactly how I felt, this man would never have my back and when I was older he would make me feel worse about myself and most probably leave me for someone else anyway (he found someone within a week of me moving out, she is 20 years younger and was a neighbour 😂) he didn’t value me at all. I’m so relieved to have realised this before I wasted another 20 years.

So, my point is leave now or soon, I promise you won’t regret it.

Sometimes abuse is a damaged person who thinks if they are miserable everyone else should be too. They feel an entitlement to blame others for things that they had no control over. They define their self worth externally i.e am I having enough sex, are my kids behaved well enough, does my job make me feel powerful. Any threat to the illusion that they and by extension their life is not perfect is met with anger and outward hostility. He probably doesn't want to talk because he isn't thinking, all these processes are automatic to him. He can't change them because the very question is a threat to him, if he needs to change he must be bad but it's everyone else who is wrong!

I lived with someone very much like your ex. I got therapy for myself realised he was a good vibes vampire who was happy to force me to have sex against my will. I still worry when I'm in the shower he will come in and I won't be able to say no but then I remember I'm free and I'm my own person again.

See what you could get through entitled to in terms of benefits. It might be helpful.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. @pinkmoominma it sounds like you are doing brilliantly the happiness and freedom that you describe really jumps out at me I've fantasied alot over the last year or so about leaving and then I lose my nerve as someone up thread said it seems so daunting I don't know even where to start. Any time he's back to being lovely I doubt myself again I prob sound so pathetic. Someone asked if he apologised to dd and no. He hardly ever apologises I made sure to call him out on it in front of her I want her to know it's not ok to be spoken to like that.