Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

@pickachew I'm sorry that you went through that im so glad you found the strength to leave

In what ways is he grumpy moody?
What does he do?

@Rantyaunty he just skulks about with a miserable face or it's one word answers, or moaning about the noise or mess or stomps about. I can't quite articulate it but sometimes he's just Like it for no reason at all though there clearly is a reason but I think he just doesn't tell me cos he's bad at communicating his feelings. One example was we went on a day out and he was in one of his quiet surly moods,it's like pulling teeth to get conversation and when we were walking to the bowling alley he's miles ahead pushing the pram with us behind him (little ones don't walk fast)instead of walking at our pace. He sulks if I'm not in the mood for sex even tho he says he's not sulking he clearly is cos then all affection is withdrawn then it's like oh I'm not getting laid I don't need to bother then . Sorry that turned into a rant

He's sounds worse than a toddler.

He is communicating quite well in a passive aggressive way. I reckon he gets his way when he's like this so why would he want to change it.

If you're not quite ready to leave him yet, then try ignoring his moods. Ignore it all and just go on about your business. I used to get caught up in asking what's wrong etc. Got nowhere of course.

Sulking on days out, turn around and go home.

Yes it is like having an over grown toddler sometimes your Right that's exactly what I've said to him aswell.will try not to react.thank you

It's funny that you say passive agressive actually he can be like that alot. I had a go at him the other day over the phone I was out of order I handled it badly but I apologized, twice genuinely and he just said never mind I'm used to it now..which made me feel like shit.

Does he behave like this at work or with friends and family?

My ex husband was moody 24/7 because he didn't get sex several times a day. He didn't seem to realise his moodiness made the situation much much worse. I was much happier when he left.

Well he is not actually coping with his depression no matter what he claims if it is affecting the rest of the house like that. In fact, growing up in a household with a parent who has unmanaged mental illness is an adverse childhood experience (ACE). Experiencing ACEs as a child is linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance use problems in adulthood. (You may think your partner is an example of this, having had a difficult childhood and now suffering mentally. The key is to prevent it becoming a generational cycle).

It is very difficult to live with someone suffering untreated mental illness. I know you say he won't get help now. Has he even sought any kind of treatment in the past? Did you ever issue an ultimatum over it?

You may wish to pursue (either informal online or more official) support groups for partners of people with depression. There might be people with more personal experience who can help you.

I think living with a person who is depressed like that is different to living with a person who is deliberately abusive (although of course a depressed person can be deliberately abusive). However, it can still be absolutely awful at times with a lot of crossover in behaviour and consequences. You are not obliged to spend your life suffering because your husband won't accept that he needs to seek treatment.

I think you have to weigh up whether you love him enough to stay. He's making you miserable. I have experience of this and have been with my husband for 37 years. I honestly wish I'd had the gumption to leave sooner. Still with him, we have good and bad days but in all honesty I often wish I was on my own. Good luck. I hope you find what is right for yourself.

Thank you cakes I really appreciate that I appreciate how hard it is for him I really do I went through a period of having very poor mental health due pnd I sought help and am in a better place now altho all of this stuff with my husband is affecting my own mood too. According to him he has always been like it I said about getting help he said no been there done that (they tried to give him anti depressants as a kid he wouldn't take them) I said not necessarily tablets he said he saw a"shrink" and it didn't work. A whole lot of it is that he internalises every thing he rarely act addresses a problem or says when he's upset it's just obvious from his moods if something bothers him he doesn't talk about it just goes quiet. He keeps his cards close to his chest about his past and his emotions,it's hard for me because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and if there's a problem I like to fix it,I know that's not always possible and I'm working on that. Someone asked if he's like it with work and family he has no family bar his mum who lives in England and we never see. She sends cards and presents to the kids and the odd message through the year and that's it.. he moved here to be with me when I fell pregnant early into our relationship. At work he's quiet I think (he's not a big talker naturally) he gets on with his job well. He has a few close friends who he seems himself with but he treats my family with contempt and won't barely acknowledge them tbh they can be full on but I love them and we are very close and won't be cutting them out for anyone.

shutup

Re your comment:-

"I know abuse takes many forms from emotional, to physical to sexual, controlling behaviours he doesn't display those,he doesn't stop me from seeing friends, family,or doing anything I want to do,he doesn't lash out physically or verbally he doesn't call me names or swear or shout at me.its very difficult for me to hear so many of u describe this as abuse because it honestly doesn't feel like that. I'm not a stranger to it I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as a teen with a guy who controlled me by manipulation and sweet talk he used to threaten suicide when I would try to leave etc my sister also was in an abusive relationship for a lot of years and I helped her get out of it. I do agree though that it isn't doing any of us any good himself included and I'm going to tell him that he needs to get help or I'm going to leave because we can't keep on like this".

This just gets worse and worse. Both your sister and you have been in previously abusive relationships too and in your case this man further targeted you to abuse as he is doing now. Going from one type of abusive relationship to another one is not that uncommon a scenario sadly. Your boundaries, already skewed here, are being further got at and otherwise eroded by this individual now. No wonder you do not know which way is up.

He does not have to stop you from seeing friends to abuse you because what he is doing currently works very well for him.

He uses his ongoing "depressed" state as well as the silent treatment (he uses this as a means of control) to further control you and your kids with. He barely talks to you and when he does he grunts. I would think he also controls you by giving you a "look" when you say you're going out somewhere.

Goodness only knows what emotional damage he is further inflicting on you and in turn your children here. He has refused to get any help to date preferring instead to inflict this on you all. Why do you think he does not want any help?.

I sincerely hope you find it within yourself to leave because as you rightly state we cannot go on like this. Indeed you cannot.

@usuallyhappy43 thank you and I'm sorry to hear you are not happy in your marriage either this is my fear that this will just go on and on and in the end I will just resent him. I've already had thoughts of being single but deep down I don't think that is what I want

@shehasadiamondinthesky. I'm so glad to hear you are happier now. The sex thing really annoys me. I'm ashamed to say in the past I have gone a long with it when I haven't felt in the mood to stop him from feeling rejected but I have now stopped doing that. The other day I had a really rough day he ran me a bath and came to chat to me I felt so loved and listened to when I got out of the bath he was sitting on our bed naked ready to seduce me. Nothing could have dried me up quicker basically that was an attempt to get sex rather than an act of genuine unconditional love. I feel so sad about that. Y'day he wanted to kiss me and I just couldn't I'm worried that it means I'm falling out of love

I feel so awful to even write these things because I know he would be devastated to read this :(

Nothing you can do will change it.

As someone whose dad is like this - it will only gets worse as he gets older.

The man is pestering you for sex. What he completely fails to realise and or even accept here re yourself is that you are an adult with agency. He has no respect for you whatsoever as his wife and regards you as his possession for him to pick up and put down.

He has a responsibility to his family to do whatever he needs to to sort this out, such as antidepressants.
If he doesn’t he should move out so you and the kids can have a happy life.

OP I agree with you that he doesn’t seem abusive directly or intently but his behaviour has a negative impact on you. He isn’t ready to accept that or address it by getting the help that he needs so there is little you can do at this stage. You have to make a decision about whether you are happy to live your life and allow your children to live their lives with someone who behaves this way whether you believe he can help it or not. My brother was similar to this and we always just accepted it and called him a moody bigger. Turns out he had big mental health issues and took his own life in 2014. We had bought up mood swings and depression but he didn’t want to deal with it. There really is nothing you can do unless he is willing to take responsibility for how he affects those that he supposedly loves. If he won’t then you do not have to settle, you and your children deserve better.

"I feel so awful to even write these things because I know he would be devastated to read this"

Would he really be devastated?. I would think he'd be more likely cross at or otherwise annoyed at you for displaying "dirty laundry" in public. Apart from anything else you need a safe outlet as abuse really does thrive on secrecy.

Forget him for a minute, what about you here in all this?. Do you and your needs here not matter?. His needs here are not more important than yours (hence me wondering if you are codependent) nor can you "fix" him.

@attilathemeercat thank you. You do talk a lot of sense I have been on the receiving end of "the look" not necessarily about going out..I rarely do go out but when I do I tell him in going x y or doing this that or the other and he says he's ok about it but his tone suggests otherwise. I don't know,I sometimes have to take my self to my mum's for a break and whenever I have done that he's always really blatantly moody or when I ring to check on kids he's huffy and makes it clear he's stressed rather than just saying don't worry have a good time. It doesn't stop me from going tho so surely if it was deliberate he would realise it's not?I don't want to think of my husband as abusive. I think that would devastate him I think he's damaged.

@lifeispassingby I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I've tried to talk to him about all of this and he clams up. I think I'm going to try and talk again tonight and suggest counselling for us both.

Keep going out to see your family and friends in the outside world.

He is further trying to control you through sighing, looks of disapproval at you and tone of voice. He would probably prefer it if you did not go out at all. It works for him and that is also why he does this to you; it gives him more power so it is also deliberate on his part to do this to you. This man does not even like you going to your mother's for a break!. I would think his work colleagues would not recognise the version of him you see at home because he does not show that side of him to outsiders.

I fully realise you do not want to regard him as abusive but you may well have to come to accept that he is. He is not doing anything here re any problems stemming from his childhood other than beating you about the head with them.

If counselling is to be at all suggested here may I suggest you go on your own and particularly if he clams up yet again. It will help you to gather your thoughts and besides which you absolutely need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

If he has and continually refuses to get any help I doubt very much he would at all entertain the idea of at all being counselled.

I would not advise you to embark on any form of joint counselling with him due to his ways of controlling you within this relationship.

I really doubt that he would agree to counselling anyway tbh he's made his feelings clear about it..I think I am desperately trying to hold on to hope of him changing and us sorting this out. He used to make so much more effort, I feel like I've really lost myself the past few years (pandemic has not helped at all) and I feel so overwhelmed by everything you asked about my needs but tbh I haven't even had chance to think about it. Life with small children is all time consuming, and I wouldn't change that or them for the world but I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I've nothing left for myself. My confidence is pretty much in the gutter atm I've wanted to start a business for a while and haven't had the confidence to do so. I'm trying hard to get the old me back and I'm going to seek out a counsellor today.