Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

Hello @Shutupyoutart I just ran into your thread again. I am sorry that you are still in the limbo and I do hope, with all my heart that it is only for a little longer. You are obviously not happy with this man and should leave him sooner rather then later. I know this is not easy and takes time. I would suggest you start therapy if you can as this is what helped me. The therapist helped me name what was happening to me, emotional abuse, and I too was shocked to hear it. She also told me that what I was telling her sounded like my husband was a narcissist, which I kind of knew. The most I gained was learning how to create boundaries, which helped create space between me and him both physical and emotional in order to process my own feelings and thoughts. Eventually it helped me realize that I did not want to be with him any more and it gave me courage to say so. In the mean time I did other things that I hoped would help strengthen me, I meditated, did yoga, prayed. I was also spending as much time as possible (which was hard because of Covid) with people I loved and who loved me as RL support is very important too. I wish you all the best OP. Stay strong, you will be free soon, I am sure of it and then...you will soar.

So haven't updated this thread recently as things have been going ok and thought we had turned a corner. today our dd was watching husbands phone and up pops a TikTok notification for starfuckedmodel I took phone of dd and googled it. quite explicit stuff beautiful women with large breasts dressed in pvc alot etc I confronted him about this told him it bothered me and made me feel inadequate that he's following this person basically to lust over he denied it was like that and he followed her for the music content but tbh all I can see on a quick look is sexual pics I've just read this back and know how naive I sound! What bothers me is that he's acting like he has no idea about the type of content that he's following and that it's a music page! I was hesitant posting this cos I know I got a lot of replies last time to leave and I'm ashamed that I haven't so please be kind.

mate you’re just kicking the can down the road at this point.

he’s a piece of shit and the next thing will be he’s shagged someone but just because he ‘needed a bed for the night, don’t be so unreasonable’

You don’t need to be ashamed though and I’ve read mine back and maybe it was too harsh.
everytime you question him you’re getting stronger which is a good thing.
I don’t think he will do or say anything that’s to his detriment, ever, even if continuing the lie is detrimental to you. He is likely to put himself first no matter what.

only you know when the balance tips

It’s the old cycle of abuse though isn’t it? Nice for a while, then horrible. How many more years can you put up with this? Like the cup of tea with a pos in it - a small piece of poo but you still wouldn’t drink it…?

Yes your right he never admits to being In the wrong ever. I felt so dismissed when I tried to talk to him about it. He has form years and years ago for talking to an ex sending pics to each other. I found out and went mad ,was going to leave him then he promised to never do it again begged me to stay blocked and deleted the girl and so far nothing has happened since that I know of anyway but stuff like this just brings that time to the forefront of my mind again it took me a long time to get over that. He even made comments to the girl that she was sexier than me and that still affects me now.

What do you want people to say?

Have you looked at finances?
You will be ok if you leave. You really will.
Claim uc. With 4 dcs and part time work plus 80% of childcare costs paid for you will be ok financially
Then he'll have to pay CM on top which isn't counted as income.
You have been posting since last year and things are not improving. You can do it. You will be happier.
Please at least look in it.
Entitled to.co.uk.

I dont want people to say anything really I'm just trying to work through things because my head is a mess. Financially we are struggling, like a lot of people prob are atm. our rental tenancy is up in autumn as LL is selling there are very few places to rent in my area so we have that hanging over us too so I'm in a very precarious position I'm afraid if I leave the shit will really hit the fan. obviously you are right though this has been dragging on a long time thank you for your advice I will look into things further, I think it's just taking that leap. My confidence is really at rock bottom so making these changes is really hard for me, it helps to voice it here.

So just wanted to update this thread about my relationship with my husband since I can't start a new one. As ye know I was fed up with his mood swings and how they were dominating our household with both me and the kids walking on egg shells all the time. So despite a lot of good advice on here I still decided to stay and try and make things work. Things were OK for a while but recently we've been going through some things that have just added to me feeling unsupported and alone. I've been feeling less and less love for him and to be perfectly honest quite a strong dislike a lot of the time. He speaks to the kids like shit and I hate it. He doesn't seem to enjoy being a parent and is always picking at things that I feel he should let go. The other day my 8yo dd told me her dad doesn't care about her, and just today ds (5)said daddy is mean send him to work! He's working long hours and I feel a bit lighter when he's not here sometimes. All of the kids have an obvious preference for me and lately I've been consumed with thoughts of being by myself with the kids. So after a day that was meant to be fun with him roaring at them combined with having sex that I hated every min of last night and the comment my son made I've decided to end it. I am financially dependent on him so am squirelling a little bit of money aside a week, I think come end of Jan IL have enough to set us up for a little while until can sort something more permanent. I am set in my decision but have no idea how to tell him, despite what I've said here I don't want to hurt him. We've been together for 13 years and have been through a lot together, I was thinking of saying nothing until nearer the time? Do you think this would be best, if I don't how the hell can I pretend every is OK when it's not? I don't have a great poker face and will struggle to keep up the pretence. Please help get me through this I've been so unhappy for a long time and I need to get myself and the kids through this as smoothly as possible.

💐 and a handhold for you @Shutupyoutart.

Sending you good strong vibes for you and your DC. You will find the strength to do this for them.

These people may be able to help https://www.womensaid.org.uk and
https://www.entitledto.co.uk

All the very best. If it's safe to do, do keep us posted.

p.s. maybe time for a new use name. No one deserves to be spoken to like that. xx

Thank you @finallyhere, I will defo need all the strength I can muster its been a really long time coming and I can't bury my head in the sand any longer. I really appreciate the support, I'm in Ireland but I've checked out some of the things that I will be entitled to andI think we will be OK. Its just a huge step so I'm feeling quite overwhelmed even though I know it's the right thing to do. With regards to the username it's an only fools and horses reference but you are prob right maybe time for a change, thanks again :) x