Can't cope with husbands moods.

[Shutupyoutart]

Hi sorry this will prob be long. My husband and I are having some problems he has terrible bad moods on a regular basis where he is just grumpy all day long sometimes it's for no reason (seemingly) sometimes it's a reaction to something thats gone wrong in the day or the kids stressing him out or I've said he doesn't like etc. He can't be brought out of it when he's like it and it's bringing me down. He admits he's been depressed for years but "has coped with it this long and will continue to do so" won't get help or even discuss it. He's always moody and often rude to my family none of them have any time for him anymore,the other day he accused me of pulling away when he tries to show me affection but it's cos in his eyes it always leads to sex so I put the defense up when he does atm I just don't want sex I'm exhausted and touched out and fed up with being hassled by him for it . I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive. Feel so sad tonight :(

@wheretogo21 thank you hopefully or won't come to that.. hopefully our talk goes well and I can get it through to him how fragile things are with our marriage

OP,

You know what feels comfortable for you at the moment, and thats great.

You do what feels comfortable for you, in a time frame that suits you.

Just protect yourself because sadly some men will give you as much guff as you will take.

Best of luck.

When you find out that you have been experiencing emotional abuse, often you have no idea before this that your experience has been abusive. It can come as a shock and take time to sink in.

You have consistently described on this thread a relationship that is unhealthy for you and for your dc. I'm sure you don't want to acknowledge this as you don't want it to be true. Also acknowledging this puts onto you the responsibility for action or inaction.

Your DC need you to model a healthy relationship for them and this is incredibly important. What you say to them doesn't count for much, it's what you model for them that they will follow as a blueprint for their own lives.

If you model an emotionally abusive relationship that lacks love and respect then you are creating a powerful template for your dc as their default life blueprint. What kind of parent do you want to be?

Your OP begins by listing issue you see are your husband's but end with saying things about how you are feeling. Can I suggest that the issues are not necessarily specific ti your dh. In a partnership we affect each other. It sounds like both of you are struggling and responding to that struggle in ways that are further causing hurt and struggle. Perhaps couples counselling would be better than going on a forum where people are going to shout out one sided opinions based on their own lives.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

There is no more abuse coming from him than he if you want to categorise moods as abuse

@turnaroundtime thanks I appreciate your comment yes I don't believe it's entirely him at all I am not perfect and have many flaws that I'm sure are difficult for him to live with too. However I do recognize that it's not a happy or healthy home for us and I want that to change I have asked him to go to talk to someone both separately and together and he point blank refuses

Moodiness from him towards the Op and in turn these children is an example of emotional abuse. He totally dictates the mood in that household.

He has refused counselling, such types always do. In this respect he has actually done OP a favour because she would not be able to talk freely in such sessions. Such men always think too that it’s someone else’s fault rather than their own.

No one indeed is prefect but your reactions to him now come from him treating you like he is. He does this because he can and it works for him. It’s not at all difficult for him to live with you because he likes having you around also to be his skivvy/maid. However, it’s becoming increasing difficult for you to live with him.

[quote Shutupyoutart]@turnaroundtime thanks I appreciate your comment yes I don't believe it's entirely him at all I am not perfect and have many flaws that I'm sure are difficult for him to live with too. However I do recognize that it's not a happy or healthy home for us and I want that to change I have asked him to go to talk to someone both separately and together and he point blank refuses [/quote]
It is problematic if he a knowledges he is not happy but refuses to seek some sort of help. You can see you are unhappy and withdrawing/with holding affection but you actively want to find a solution. I don't know what to suggest. I just want to tell you that I understand. Relationships are complicated and multi faceted. I just don't think MN is necessarily the best forum to seek advice. So many women who will tell you he is an abuser and you need to leave him. We know life is more complex than that. If everyone left their partner because they shouted at them or snubbed them or sulked then NO ONE would be in a relationship. I can assure you, none of the sanctimonious posters are the perfect partners they suggest they are. Their very obvious lack of reason, understanding and balance is evidence of that. I've read people telling women to LTB because he didn't make her a cup of tea when he made one for himself. And called it abuse

"I've read people telling women to LTB because he didn't make her a cup of tea when he made one for himself. And called it abuse"

Where have you read this?. Genuine question.

If you do not think that MN is the best forum to get advice from what do you suggest people do then?. Why have you then posted?. Sometimes family and friends can be overinvested and therefore can be unhelpful.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"I've read people telling women to LTB because he didn't make her a cup of tea when he made one for himself. And called it abuse"

Where have you read this?. Genuine question.

If you do not think that MN is the best forum to get advice from what do you suggest people do then?. Why have you then posted?. Sometimes family and friends can be overinvested and therefore can be unhelpful.

Where do I suggest people get advice? From professionals. Not from a bunch of randoms on an anonymous forum. MN is good for lots of things but marriage advice is very poor.

My reason for posting here was for unbiased opinions which I got. And to feel listened to which I am not getting from dh,I agree that there is only so much advice people can give on here we they are only getting one side of the story but professional counselling for us both Isnt on the cards because he is refuses to go

However I'm going to the GP soon and will be asking her to put me on the list for counselling.

That is a good idea but bear in mind you may have to wait some considerable time because of long waiting lists.

BACP do not charge the earth and that may be an alternative option for you.

Am personally not surprised that your H refuses to go to counselling; these types of individual never do. He has done you a favour really by refusing to attend because you need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

I don't think the waiting lists are quite as long here (roi) really think it will help it has helped me a lot writing on here aswell as talking to my friend yesterday.

turnaroundtime offers the advice on an online forum not to take advice on an online forum. There is a flaw in there somewhere.

Contrariwise, coz I am, I think MN has very good relationship advice. It certainly helped me a whole load when I was in a relationship with an abusive man.

Have you actually RTFT beyond the OP turnaroundtime.?

And thanks for the handy de-cal slogan for my kitchen wall:

‘Relationships are complicated and multi faceted’’. Really? Who knew? Hell, anyone would think we’re on the Relationships board!

Still, beats ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ any day of the week.

You will get insight from this forum. Fact.

You may not be willing to accept this at your age and still in the early years of your relationship and having young children. That is understandable, it's also understandable that you believe you are contrubuting to the unhappy situation you are in.

But you are not, believe the women on this thread, they know how it will be in the future for you.

His moods dominate your household, you pander to his moods, cojoling him to be more upbeat so the children are not affected.
that means, birthdays, Christmases, Halloweens, holidays can be ruined by his moods.
You wish for there to be happy memories much like other households, this is exhausting for you to gauge how he is feeling, your feelings and your childrens are not taken into account. You are not allowed to express how you feel without him sulking and withdrawing even more affection from you.

It is abuse, he doesn't have to physically hurt you because you are bowing down to his will, I bet he can just throw you a glance and you know he's annoyed, you can be away from him and still be thinking of his dissaproval of you.
It becomes automatic, to put him first all the time and your needs are slowly being pushed further and further down, till you become invisible.

I don't expect you to understand but please realise, you are not at fault, never have been and if things become worse, remember this thread and undertand this is something your husband does deliberately, purposefully and selfishly.

It's called CONTROL and you are at the beggining of your journey.
I have no doubt.

He is not a kind man, you believe the nice times are the real him, they are not, the real him is the one sulking, neglecting, stonewalling and withdrawing affection.

Having a good temperament is pretty important to a good relationships and being a good father.

If he really wanted to sort himself out he probably would. He would think 'I don't like it when I get in a mood for hours over things that just don't affect other people. It spoils my day, spoils everyone else's day, and is a waste of time. I'm going to try and help myself to overcome this by doing xyz'

Instead, many moody, grumpy people find comfort in the way they are. It's almost a part of their identity. Some are even smug and proud of it because it almost makes them feel superior - that they have to deal with all these silly, incompetent people around them, being annoying.

I would heed the warnings of some of the women here about moodyness being used to control. It doesn't always start out that way - some people are just naturally more bad tempered or neurotic. However, when they realize how incredibly effective their moodyness is in controlling the other person, they use it as part of their emotional toolkit. They get a taste for their partner's distress, or the fact their partner fawns in them, tip-toes around them, wants to comfort or entertain them when they behave in this way. It puts you in a subordinate position, trying to guess how not to displease them, and they enjoy it.

Some men throw objects around and smash things to enforce that subordination. Others get a kick out of ruining atmospheres. They ruin days out or events that should be joyful.

A moody person who is just moody will be moody no matter who's around.
A moody person who's doing it to control needs an audience. They need to perform their grumpyness to you so you know they're displeased. Many people do this when they want their partner to see they're unhappy. It's a passive communication method, but when it's done a lot it can ruin marriages.

I'm not saying it's deliberate in your case, but you really do need to keep this in mind.

I don't feel listened to or valued or appreciated and whenever I try to talk about it he goes quiet and moody and defensive

So he's allowed to to display his displeasure......but you're not?? Seems like he doesn't want to talk about your issues because talking about them might lead to compromise which he doesn't want to do. I'm thinking he probably just wants you to shut up, stop whinging, and have sex with him, no questions, whenever he likes.

I'm not sure if there's a resolution here. You, naturally won't want to have sex with him until some of these issues are resolved. He, probably disagrees with you that these are issues or is unwilling to change. I have a feeling that if he does change, you might start to feel he's only doing it do he can have sex, and not because he cares for you.

I see that he's refused to get help. What a surprise! It's because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, is fine with who he is despite any difficulties it might bring him, or he knows full well he's been unpleasant to you and is afraid of what the councillor might say to him.

That's fine. If he doesn't think he needs counselling, that's his right, but you also have the right not to accept things that aren't right for you in a relationship.

[quote Shutupyoutart]@Rantyaunty he just skulks about with a miserable face or it's one word answers, or moaning about the noise or mess or stomps about. I can't quite articulate it but sometimes he's just Like it for no reason at all though there clearly is a reason but I think he just doesn't tell me cos he's bad at communicating his feelings. One example was we went on a day out and he was in one of his quiet surly moods,it's like pulling teeth to get conversation and when we were walking to the bowling alley he's miles ahead pushing the pram with us behind him (little ones don't walk fast)instead of walking at our pace. He sulks if I'm not in the mood for sex even tho he says he's not sulking he clearly is cos then all affection is withdrawn then it's like oh I'm not getting laid I don't need to bother then . Sorry that turned into a rant [/quote]
No, he won't admit to it, because if it's deliberate, part of the fun is having someone painfully guess what they've done wrong. Performative sulkers just love having someone witness their silent temper tantrum. They want someone fawning all over them, appeasing them, asking them questions like 'What' wrong darling? Please tell me'. They want you to grovel. They want to perform WOE IS ME. LOOK AT MY SUFFERING. Some men use the whole 'men aren't good at communicating their feelings' thing to their advantage so they can keep behaving in this way, so people think they can't help it.

It's not a long-term solution, but try this -

Next time he starts sulking, try to disappear. It's difficult with kids, but as soon as you even smell a whiff of this sulking, go to another room, take the kids out with you somewhere and do not ket him come with you. It's up to you if you want to communicate it this plainly, but if you do, just say you're not tolerating that bullshit anymore and if he wants to sulk, he can do it on his own time. Do not be around that bad atmosphere. Do not be an audience member to his sulking performance.

I would be interested to see what happens. Often, the more performative types will follow someone from room to room to make sure they don't lose their audience. The ones who are really determined to inflict damage will make sure that if they don't get to punish you by sulking for 6 hrs on Tuesday, for example (because you've disappeared to a friends house for the night), they will make sure they delay the show/punishment for when you get back, and inflict their 6 hrs of their sulking on you then.

@onthedunes and @earthsight thank you both for your posts, this thread has certainly given me a lot to think about. Things are ok between us atm he hasn't been moody, isnt badgering me for sex, making more effort it seems even said hello to my sister usually completely ignores her! Maybe he's heard me,or maybe itl be like this for a while and will slip back again I don't know. I'm still going to go to the GP and get help for myself to work through my own feelings. Like someone said I can't control what he does but I can work on myself. @earthsight it's funny you should say about the delayed moodiness when I have gone to my Mum's for a break he is always in a mood when I get back. Always. It's a pattern and my family have noticed it too. But it could be that he is stressed and had a hard time. Our Ds is a darling boy but he can be very challenging at times due to his asd. I am going to do as you advised and remove myself from the house /room etc when he's in a mood. I know it sounds like i am but I'm really not a wall flower I don't pander to his moods and I do tell him exactly how I feel when he's being an arse it just seems to fall on death ears cos nothing changes. We'll see If this time is different..

Deaf not death 😂

You describe my ex to a tee. I used to always say he was grumpy. I would invite friends round a lot, because he would be happy and cheerful in front of other people, he saved the negativity for us alone.

My dc started to feel his contempt, as they got older.

Everything he did or said, I just couldn't put my finger on it. We didn't talk, he would just sit with a blank face while I poured my heart out. He "didn't know what to say."

We started arguing morw and more towards the end, because I wouldn't stand for the way he treated the dc. I wouldn't accept such contempt towards my children from anyone else, so why was he allowed to treat them poorly?

Then one day, he was rude to my child for bo good reason, again, and I stepped in. Again. He decided that his "grumpy" displays and contemptuous attitude wasn't keeping me in line anymore, so he decided to attack me. He grabbed me by the throat and hit me across the face, threatening to do it again as he walked away from me, frozen in place.

I rang the police and ended the marriage then and there.

It was a painful realisation to slowly recognise that I'd been abused for years, our entire relationship. I was I was boiled frog and didn't notice, until it was directed at my children. He didn't like me standing up to him - "undermining his parental authority."

His abusive behaviour escalated over time, and I just didn't notice. He would push me over and hurt me, but it was "accidental". He stopped me from being able to work, with sudden overtime meaning he was never home in time for me to leave for my own shifts. He constantly overspent us into the red, and blamed me for it. I was a failure in every respect, according to him. It made me small, meek, and tired. All I focused on was making him happy, but he never was, because what made him happiest was seeing me miserable.

Sure, I was probably not the easiest person to live with, I didn't want to spend time with him, I didn't even like his company. But I was trained to depend on him all the same, and I was scared to leave him. When he hit me, though, I knew I had only two choices - leave, or stay with someone who could potentially kill me.

@mybutteredbread what a nightmare I'm so sorry you went through that and glad you found the strength to leave. My dh is often quiet and moody in front of others too he's known for it having said that I rarely have friends round when he's here mainly my family and he is also pretty friendly and happy to his friends but I rarely see him with them. Neither of us do much really. We have a pa for six hours a week for our son who's on the spectrum and he was even rude to her,sat on his phone didn't say hello or make eye contact while she was here to collect ds .I've wondered occasionally if he may be high functioning himself. My mom pointed out he used to make more effort though so is choosing not to.

OP,

Do not underestimate how bad all the stress of this is for your mental health and general health.

Women who are ground down by moody sulky women often report low mood, anxiety, sadness, helplessness in the face of having to walk on eggshells.

Often it then, over time develops into a health issue like an autoimmune disorder through the body being under such constant prolonged stress whilst also invariably dealing with small children and broken sleep.

This load is huge and grinds women into the ground.

However, those that choose eventually to leave often find a huge reduction in stress and symptoms through living a more peaceful existence, even though they are parenting alone.

He is in better humour?
Could that be because you are distracted and less attentive to him?

Because abusive men are very sensitive to when they have gone too far and need to pull back on their bullying behaviour.

I don't for a second believe he has zero control over his moods.

He just saves them for you.

Keep posting, see the GP and start looking out for yourself.

He has made it very clear that your happiness is of NO interest to him.

His refusal to help himself is him saying that this is how he intends to behave and you and your children had better accept it.

Your children and you deserve better than a man who is indifferent to his wife being sad and his children growing up in a toxic atmosphere.