Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

186 replies

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 07:45

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 27/10/2021 07:48

I think it sounds desperate, sorry.
It’s only been a month, you’re not getting married !
Step back or he might just run.

MichelleScarn · 27/10/2021 07:49

I personally would find a 'love language' questionnaire hideously creepy and forced. But that's my opinion. I think you're at risk if trying to force this deep connection really quickly. How often have you seen each other in the 4 weeks you've been together?

MintJulia · 27/10/2021 07:49

After a month, I'd be running for the hills if I was him.

Surely that is the time for uncomplicated fun. easy going joint experiences and getting to know each other without getting too heavy.

ImUninsultable · 27/10/2021 07:51

I'd be running if I were him.

You need to calm down.

Clandestin · 27/10/2021 07:54

What do you class as ‘meaningful’? I wouldn’t view a conversation about your childhood as any more ‘meaningful’ as a chat about the weather or work…?

Ughmaybenot · 27/10/2021 07:55

You’re being too intense and asking rather too much of a fledging relationship, if you can call it that this early on. Deeper conversations come with time, stop forcing it… and please lord never suggest someone take a love language quiz again Confused

Etinoxaurus · 27/10/2021 07:55

He sounds very self aware and rather lovely.
You sound scary! Wink
It’s fine @Wafflesandcrumpets08, healthy. You’re stating your needs and he’s pushing back slightly but being very straight.
Relax a bit and enjoy the ride.

Clandestin · 27/10/2021 07:57

And I would think that someone asking me to do a pop psychology questionnaire after a few weeks of dating a sign they were a total dingbat, rather than ‘a sensitive, emotional person’.

moregarlic · 27/10/2021 07:58

Awww OP I think people are being harsh! I totally get your worries, but if you’re having fun, could you just relax and see where it goes?

Maybe instead of bringing up the issue in a forced manner, you could ask him some deeper questions and see where it leads. You could also suggest dates that would facilitate deeper discussions e.g. see and indie film, poetry evening, gallery etc.

I’d also say, don’t underestimate the power of someone being able to make you laugh.

TheChip · 27/10/2021 07:58

Are you wanting to know his love language so you can use it to create a deeper connection?

You've said that you like to form strong connections with people quickly and you're trying to be mindful of it. It doesn't sound like you're trying to stop yourself here.

Red flags coming from you, I'm afraid.

zafferana · 27/10/2021 07:59

Kudos to him for agreeing to go along with your psychobabble, just to keep you happy, but sorry OP, you sound like a needy nightmare!

On the subject of whether your need for a 'deep connection' is a deal breaker with a guy who doesn't feel that need - what I can tell you is that you need to be best friends, you need to basically want the same things from life and if you want a harmonious relationship, you need to agree on how you think about and handle money. But if he's a Shallow Hal and you're someone who wants to indulge in online questionnaires and pin all your identity on them, I fear there may be trouble ahead.

moregarlic · 27/10/2021 07:59

And fo everyone criticising OP for being interested in love languages, you should be open minded and give it a go! Lots of couples find it revelatory.

SarahBellam · 27/10/2021 07:59

This sounds like really hard work. I don’t think you are compatible. You want something that he can’t give you. To be honest, if a man had asked me to do that a month in I’d be changing my phone number and running for the hills. Mind you, someone placing so much faith in ‘love languages’ would have me running for the hills on its own.

DeliaOwens · 27/10/2021 08:00

Oh my! I think that is an awful lot to ask of someone you are dating only a month. I would find that very intimidating. Can you not let things percolate and see how (or if) things develop organically?

Honestly, in his position, I would find you hard work.

Lovelymincepies · 27/10/2021 08:01

That would put me right off!! Far too intense and hard work!

Life is for living not interrogating people all the time. That’s not being deep!

I’d have run a mile at that questionnaire.

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 08:01

Thank you everyone.

Oh God, poor guy, I probably have bloody scared him off now! What should I do? Should I say anything? How do I make this less weird now?

I know this is me. I'm not good at being easy-going, I am such an over thinker! He just doesn't ask me any questions about myself, other than how was my day... which I've never really had when getting to know someone or date someone before so I just have been finding that hard to get my head around

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/10/2021 08:01

Seriously OP, if a bloke asked me to do a love language questionnaire a month in I would run a mile. You are the red flag here.

Seriously, just enjoy what it is and let things move naturally or you may find yourself single quite quickly.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 27/10/2021 08:01

It's not that you're a "deep" person abs he isn't, whatever that means, you are just being a bit intense

Aspiringmatriarch · 27/10/2021 08:02

If you're very sensitive as you describe, you may actually need someone like him to balance out the intensity and bring you back down to earth (even better if it's by making you laugh!) I do think you need to relax a bit. Love languages etc can wait.Smile

Doyoumind · 27/10/2021 08:03

You are too intense and too analytical for this point in a relationship. No one can tell you for sure where it's going but to me it sounds like you aren't compatible. Just enjoy it now and see how it goes. Why rush ahead? I think you need to look a bit more closely at this codependency

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 27/10/2021 08:06

my husband is about as deep as a puddle. What you see is what you get with him. It's always been a straight forward relationship as there is no agenda. I'm quite complicated and deep but it works. We bring the best out in each other. We laugh all the time. I other friends who i can explore different interests with. We have a great marriage and we are just ourselves. Don't knock it go with the flow.

TheAntiGardener · 27/10/2021 08:06

On the deep v non-deep thing, I can say that as an overly-sensitive, over-thinking person, my happiest relationship was with someone who was very easygoing, very open and not at all into deep and meaningful conversations. If you have other outlets for those sorts of discussion, it can be a great combination.

I also agree with pps generally about how intense you seem to be with this guy.

Ughmaybenot · 27/10/2021 08:07

No, I don’t think you need to do anything, there’s nothing to put right as such, just try not to get in your head quite so much in the future. He makes you laugh and you get on well, rather more important imo than him asking about your childhood… just let it be, see how it goes.

HarrisonStickle · 27/10/2021 08:07

It's only been a month, OP, the relationship is supposed to be fun! I'd be really put off with such a questionnaire, and I'd be on the lookout for more signs of intensity, seriousness and desperation.

I also love having very deep, philosophical conversations and the way I'd know if I was compatible with someone would be to start one and see how it went. Someone on the same wavelength is going to want to get down to discussion, no matter if you've known them a week or a year, and it would form part of the fun times we had together.

You don't need to set them a test to find out.

gamerchick · 27/10/2021 08:07

@moregarlic

And fo everyone criticising OP for being interested in love languages, you should be open minded and give it a go! Lots of couples find it revelatory.
Not a ruddy month in. Laughing and shagging absolutely.
Swipe left for the next trending thread