He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

[Wafflesandcrumpets08]

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

you don't sound 'scary' in the least OP - such an overdramatic thing to say. You were honest and showed him a real side of yourself. It's not scary or wrong or crazy to want that deeper connection...

And I get really frustrated if I hang out with people where everything is a joke and you never get beyond surface level.

What I would say though is that it might be a good sign - and good for you if codependence (and perhaps getting deep too quick) is a problem for you - in terms of you perhaps needing the lightness he bring? My DP is much more light hearted and fun than my previous ones and at the start I was wanting more deep convos but actually they came eventually and were somehow much more authentic for us both being ready and for them springing out of the need of the time rather than just general desire for them. And I think he brings out the lighter hearted side of me too. This kind of natural separateness at the start has made me stay really independent and and confident in myself in the relationship.

So I would say dont stop being yourself, but maybe try staying light and fun and not forcing those convos, and seeing what happens further down the line naturally. But dont feel ashamed or stupid for being you.

OP (and some others) have a completely different understanding of the word 'deep' to me. I understand it to mean deep thinking. So interested in the world around them, in wide-ranging, curious, incisive ways, requiring real effort and leading to unusual connections and insights, analysis that takes them past superficial and circular arguments, towards a deeper understanding of things outside themselves.

Being introspective and dwelling on the past is not 'deep' it's self-absorbed navel-gazing. That kind of thinking prevents people from noticing anything interesting in the world around them, because they're so obsessed with themselves - and generally in going around and around the same introspective circles, without ever learning anything and moving forwards.

I can understand that you want to form a deep bond, get to know each other deeply rather than superficially but that is not what 'being deep' means, as an individual.

So I think the poster who wrote this...

Btw I too would consider myself not deep, not because I don't have feelings, emotions, quite strong opinions on life/love etc but because I don't spend time ruminating and re-living and analysing my life. I'm too busy living it and enjoying it. So I will happily discuss philosophy and politics but not why I have a certain relationship with my mum.

...to be much deeper than OP (as self-described), because she's able to discuss politics and philosophy - topics that require your focus of attention to move outside yourself and tackle the complex co-existence of ideas and other people.

@lottiegarbanzo well put

I see anxious & neurotic, not deep

Also wonder if the OP seeks this kind of intensity out in her female / platonic relationships, or if this “instant deep connection” is reserved for those she’s dating.

Love languages is hardly intellectual fodder.

Yes, neurotic is the word that came to mind.

Not an insult OP, a personality type.

You can't get everything you need in one person, some things you'll have to get from friends and family.

Relax, it's early days. Go with the flow and have fun. Plus all of the above everyone else has said!

Why wouldn't he be "deep" just because he's very open and honest about who he is?

Is that not just a sincere, unpretentious and genuine person?

I haven't rtft but just wanted to ask if anyone else is reminded of The Inbetweeners 2 scene when they are all sitting in a circle at Byron Bay (I think) and they're talking about spirituality and negative thoughts etc? As I was scrolling through I was envisaging the OP being the blonde girl.

Anyway, sorry to distract. As you all were.

Do give us all an update on Saturday OP. You both sound lovely (you, slightly nuts admittedly, but you have taken people's comments on board so positively).

I don't think you are compatible. Some guys are unable or unwilling to give emotional support and this can get draining after a while.

Being clueless about these things, I looked a love language questionnaire online (as you do) Looks like something I would have done when I was in my 20s and choc a bloc full of hormones

As a slightly more rational more mature adult I just couldnt be bothered. He's said he'll do it but most guys aren't really into that sort of thing (are they?)

@Travel11

I don't think you are compatible. Some guys are unable or unwilling to give emotional support and this can get draining after a while.

More draining than anguishing over a questionnaire on love languages after knowing each other for 30 days?

'More draining than anguishing over a questionnaire on love languages after knowing each other for 30 days?'

Precisely. I don't think he sounds like the draining one in the relationship, really. Although I accept that OP has acknowledged that her behaviour has been a bit peculiar.

My non deep husband just pokes fun at me. It's funny and keeps me in check. i like to think i've helped him to become a little bit more sensitive.

If you want to really connect with him and him with you, I'd forget all the contrived stuff you've read about affirmations and love language, and just be genuine and authentic. Ask him his views and opinions and share yours. You'll get to know each other soon enough that way, and without the distraction of worrying about how deep and sensitive you each are, based on labels and ideas made up by other people to sell books.

Just to add, if you really do have co dependent tendencies you will no doubt have learned that self proclaimed 'depth' is often synonymous with self indugent inward focus; and used to excuse all manner of unpredictable, inconvenient and unacceptable behaviours. If he really is 'shallow' you may find him a lot less hard work.

What the hell is a love language?

I won't bring up the bloody quiz again, I want to just have fun and get to know him naturally!

Keep on telling yourself this and it'll be fine. Perhaps you can joke about treating dating like a job interview at your date tomorrow. The skids fond half of the sentence would probably really reassure him that you're on the same page

I think successful relationships often have traits that are opposite as well as shared views on things. So a chatty person and a quiet person might be a good match because the quiet person might be happy speaking less than 50% and might appreciate the chattier person pushing them out of their comfort zone iyswim

You say you're aware of co-dependency issues in your past. They're still there!

Lighten up. This is meant to be fun. Don't force things. Maybe you'd find counselling helpful?

OP is having counselling and sounds like a very good person, as does the fella. Sounds like he has forgotten it already, just laugh and have fun.

@Wafflesandcrumpets08 - you remind me a bit of myself years ago when I was getting together with my now DH in the late 1990s.

I always took things way too seriously (still have the tendency now but manage it a lot better).

People used to say - "stop taking things so much to heart"/"stop taking things so seriously" and I used to think - what is the magic potion which will allow me to do that? Then I realised - there is no magic potion. You just stop taking things so seriously. You get out of your own way. More than that - you give yourself permission not to take things so seriously. You taking things so seriously - you worrying and fretting about what might be - that's not holding the sky up. And the sky will not fall down if you give yourself permission to relax and enjoy what is. If problems happen - well, you deal with them when they happen. But don't spend your whole life anticipating the problem. That's just wasted emotion and headspace and - worse - it can make a problem where there was none.

It's very liberating when you realise you are allowed to just relax and enjoy what is and trust yourself to deal with whatever may come along.

@Dery What an excellent comment. I hope OP sees it.

It does sound too intense OP. Too much too soon. I like deep conversations but eventually they come up naturally. Like you’ve had a nice dinner, watched a film and then start chatting about something and it goes off in different directions and you learn more about each other.

I’m definitely more into deep discussions than my husband is. I have opinions about loads of things that he just doesn’t care about as much as me. He will listen and talk things through but he wouldn’t be the one to start serious debates. It doesn’t bother me because we are compatible in so many ways and he is also a truly kind and decent man. I would focus more on the character of your partner rather than wanting him to be the same as you in this area.

Thank you everyone for the comments! I agree, I am taking it way too seriously. The last several years of my life have been so serious and bloody hell, it does feel so good to be around someone who makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, and who brings out my fun side. I don't want to squash that. I have my counsellor for talking about my bloody parents!

I think I was just panicking that he wasn't interested in me as a person (worried about being used for sex - which we haven't even had yet!) But I don't think he is like that. He messages me every day, phones me, and just seems to like my company for me. He called me on Wednesday night and we did have a bit of a joke about our conversation so I hope it is all brushed over now.

I'm seeing him tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it

That's great news! Just enjoy him and it

The opposite to 'deep' IMO must be 'shallow'. If he is only interested in looks and money then he's shallow and probably not what you want. It doesn't sound like he's shallow, but it sounds like you're probably quite an intense and emotional person who wants to talk a lot and he may not be that either. For now though I'd just have some fun and let it develop naturally, ask him questions - just watch that it doesn't turn into an interview!

If he doesn't ask the follow up questions that you want then you can always just share a bit more info if you want, ie you 'I don't see my parents' - him 'oh' - you 'yeah, they worship the devil and joined a cult sooooo......'