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Original poster

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

186 replies

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 07:45

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

OP posts:
smoko · 27/10/2021 08:37

This isn’t being “deep” - it’s just being desperate…. this is just intense, needy behaviour

Deep people talk about concepts, ideas, philosophies

You’re just trying to get him to fill in a questionnaire about his love style 4 weeks into a relationship when no “I love you” has even been exchanged. It sounds like you’ve done this to try & find out which method you can use on him to entice him to love you more quickly

Ie forcing intimacy rather than let it develop naturally

Am cringing for you OP.

For someone so supposedly self aware, why cant you see how this would put someone else off & be too much too soon? That this is a prime example of you trying to force a deep connection too quickly?

To me deep people discuss ideas, concepts, history, science, philosophy, politics

The love languages is hardly an example of being a “deep” person

Wanting him to ask you about your childhood so you can wax lyrical about it? Self obsession & navel gazing

You sound like that psycho girlfriend meme

tiggerwhocamefortea · 27/10/2021 08:37

"Love languages" WTF OP get a grip! I'd be running for the hills if I was him

DrManhattan · 27/10/2021 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 27/10/2021 08:39

I don't want to seem harsh OP, but I agree with the other posters on here. He sounds lovely whereas you sound very needy and intense.

Just enjoy the fun. If there is a deeper connection it will come in time

Inthesameboatatmo · 27/10/2021 08:41

I mean this with kindness op.
All the red flags you are looking for are coming from you, don't be surprised if he runs a mile I would if I was him .

theresanooselooseaboutmyhoose · 27/10/2021 08:41

@DrManhattan

I would say its a red flag. He's saying that you shouldn't expect much. He can basically do whatever he wants now because he's told you at the outset what he's like. I wouldn't get too into this one.
WTF?! Is that you op?
SmileyClare · 27/10/2021 08:43

I actually think it's a common side effect of starting counselling; the self reflection, self awareness you are encouraged to explore in therapy starts spilling over into everything. It can come across as a bit self absorbed or you can get carried away with trying to analyse other people and trying to work out their psyche.

Try to relax and enjoy seeing where things go.

Threewheeler1 · 27/10/2021 08:44

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

my husband is about as deep as a puddle. What you see is what you get with him. It's always been a straight forward relationship as there is no agenda. I'm quite complicated and deep but it works. We bring the best out in each other. We laugh all the time. I other friends who i can explore different interests with. We have a great marriage and we are just ourselves. Don't knock it go with the flow.
Same here. DH calls it 'practical romance' Grin Overall the balance is right.
Grimsknee · 27/10/2021 08:45

OP, only a month in if a man is asking you probing questions about your childhood and your life story, that can often be a big red flag. Love-bombers tend to do it, it shows a disrespect of boundaries, it can be a way of them sussing out your vulnerable points, and abusive men will use that stuff against you. Be on your guard, work out how much you really like this guy first, have fun, enjoy getting to know him, if it's a good match, you'll find ways to connect to each other no matter how different your intellectual styles.

Salayes · 27/10/2021 08:47

I think you’re getting a bit of a rough ride here. The quiz thing is a bit much and also it has sounded like you want him to sit and talk to you about your life but it seems to me you’re noticing a lack of conversation beyond the here and now and daily things.

If all your time is spent having a laugh and giggling that’s lovely especially at the beginning when it’s more about fun. But over time it can get wearing if you can’t talk about deeper things with someone. And I get wanting to talk about personal histories and try and connect a bit deeper than ‘how was your day’.

So, I think your worries are actually valid. It’s quite wearing over time - when it goes into months and years - to only really discuss what’s happening in the immediacy of life - what happened at work today or what do you want for tea or how was your day - small talk basically, even if there is laughing and joking. Just feels dissatisfying.

That being said, I think most people are ‘deeper’ than they let on even if they don’t think they are. Have you tried starting other conversations?

The love language thing is a bit of a red herring but I get what you were trying to do, it’s a month in and you’ve not had any deeper conversations about who you are as people, your hopes and fears, your personal histories, your values. It’s pretty important to have those conversations to gauge compatibility in my view so you’re not wrong for wanting to have them.

OverTheRubicon · 27/10/2021 08:48

I am suspicious of people who think that they're deeper than others. All of us have internal lives - some people examine them less or share that less - especially after a month! Have you ever talked to a counsellor about your past relationship patterns and what makes you seek out this type of intense connection asap? With this plus past codependency you sound like a prime victim for a love bombing abuser, which also isn't good.

If you do want this type of relationship, you're likely to do better if you actively seek out someone who's definitely into that. Be up front about your idea of a good Saturday - if that is philosophical conversations and a slow seduction after dinner instead of a day in bed with Netflix, shagging and a takeaway that's absolutely fine, but you'll likely be happier if you find someone with a similar viewpoint

Raaaaaaarr · 27/10/2021 08:49

You are pushing things too fast. Deep conversation comes with time and trust.

Salayes · 27/10/2021 08:49

Saying that, I also agree with the poster above about not sharing vulnerabilities too soon in either direction. But there is a middle ground where you can begin to explore deeper and more personal subjects with each other without like getting into a five hour mutual counselling session. Grin

I’d be more worried about the what you see is what you get comment if that is not satisfying to you because it could well point to a fundamental incompatibility.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2021 08:50

Oh ffs not more of that 'love language' bullshit.
It encourages so many people to stay with abusive assholes, claiming that they just have a different love language. NOT a test you should be working with if you have form for codependent behaviour.

And honestly op, if I were him it would have been too full on for me.

How about just choosing people based on whether or not they make you happy NOW. And when they stop, call it a day. Its not rocket science.

ChaToilLeam · 27/10/2021 08:51

You sound too full on. Relax and enjoy getting to know him naturally! All the deep stuff can wait. Not everyone wants to get intense and analytical. It would be off putting for me, for sure.

Ughmaybenot · 27/10/2021 08:51

With regards to your parents and history there op, I wouldn’t have asked either. I’d have listened, should you have volunteered the information, but I wouldn’t have wanted to pry if you just left it that you don’t see them. It’s very personal and has the potential to be terribly upsetting, so I’d actually see it as a good thing that he didn’t push that any further.
I know when I first got with my husband, I volunteered information like that as and when I felt ready but wouldn’t have appreciated feeling put on the spot so to speak. He’s not one for deep and meaningful questions either, but he’s a cracking listener, he’s funny as all hell and he supports me in absolutely everything. Personally, that’s much more important to me than anything else… even our love languages Grin

FlippinFedUp21 · 27/10/2021 08:54

Love language questionnaire?!?!?! I'm sorry, OP, but that is really cringe.

Please drop this now. Try to get back to what you like about each other, the laughter and having a good time. See where it goes from there.

LavenderAskew · 27/10/2021 08:58

If you wanted to tell him why you don't talk to your parents why didn't you just tell him when he asked about them and you told him you didn't talk to them?

Is it because you think that people show they care about someone by seeking to find out information about them, rather than just gathering information through time? The more they ask the more important you are to them? (and vise versa - the more you ask shows how important they are to you?)

It seems to be it's more about the act of asking rather than knowing information. I would say you are not necessary deep but needy - is that all wrapped up in why you don't speak to your parents?

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2021 08:59

I want to know about his too! That is because he asked me a question about my parents, and I said that I don't talk to my parents, and he just said "oh right", rather than asking why or anything

That’s because he’s only known you for a month! A lot of people wouldn’t ask “why” in this situation, because it may appear intrusive, you don’t necessarily need to know stuff like about someone after 4 weeks.

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2021 08:59

Yeah you’d scare me off with that as well; maybe he doesn’t scare as easily though

Drop all those deep and meaningfuls and have fun

CampagVelocet · 27/10/2021 09:01

IME the people who go out of their way to describe themselves as 'deep' (or 'empathetic' or 'generous') are anything but.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/10/2021 09:04

Hmmm. If you say you're deep, are you, really? Put the psycho-babble about love languages to one side because that's nothing to do with being deep. Is it that you want to have conversations about philosophy and ethics and he's not interested? Or that you're reading the Booker shortlist and wanting to share your thoughts on who should win and he's catching up on Love Island?

You sound incredibly intense and needy and I would run a mile from anyone who wanted me to engage in a conversation about love languages or tried to make me open up about my childhood when I wasn't ready to. But that doesn't make me not deep.

Jasmine00 · 27/10/2021 09:09

You sound exactly like me and he sounds like the guy I broke up with a few weeks back. It started similar and ended up being 2 years on and off and last night I realised I'm still very resentful about wasting my time with this guy when yes he was in fact boring, also he didn't know how to act when Mt friend died for example he never asked about her because he lacked that depth and it came across uncaring.
Please really consider this, you need the guy who is your support through tough times and praises you through the good times, he's not going to do it for you in my experience and please don't wait 2 years like I did to find this out. I too thought it would come in time, it didn't!

Charlize43 · 27/10/2021 09:10

Asking him to do the Love Languages quiz has probably been a red flag for him. His friends will have warned him now.

Maybe you are not suited and you should be dating a psychology PHD student or someone who is interested in studying you intently and discussing all your emotions?

Siepie · 27/10/2021 09:11

I want to know about his too! That is because he asked me a question about my parents, and I said that I don't talk to my parents, and he just said "oh right", rather than asking why or anything

I don’t talk to my parents either, and I would be taken aback if someone I’d only recently met asked me why. I don’t want to share details of childhood abuse with everyone.

My wife and I have done the love languages questionnaire, but this was after we had been together for years (and we didn’t take it too seriously). It’s a fairly intimate thing to ask someone you’ve only known for a month!