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Relationships

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Original poster

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

186 replies

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 07:45

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

OP posts:

FolornLawn · 27/10/2021 08:08

Oh blimey, OP. You’re in danger of coming across as someone who has gone beyond self-aware and into navel-gazing twaddle.

Stimulating conversation about art, politics, other interests, yes, lovely. But the love languages stuff sounds creepy and pretentious.

You find him funny and you are laughing a lot together. There’s a great deal to be said for that, try to go with the flow.

Just a thought, maybe it’s ‘always gone wrong’ for you before because you’ve chosen ‘deep’ men. IME they’re fucked up wazzocks who treat partners badly.

Justcallmebebes · 27/10/2021 08:11

Just relax and let it be. Surely the deeper conversations come with time and as you get to know each other better. I'd certainly say no more about a love language questionnaire. Just enjoy the moment

PlausibleSuit · 27/10/2021 08:11

Well, as I see it, you're just different to each other. This isn't necessarily a problem.

It's only been a month, I'd give it more time and see how you feel.

You might find that over time, his lack of depth starts to bother you. Equally, he might find that your need to analyse at a deeper level bothers him.

But I think you'll only know in time.

You both seems to be pretty self-aware emotionally, which is probably a good thing.

Asking him to do a love languages test was a bit much, but I'd hesitate to call it a 'red flag'. That expression sometimes gets chucked around a bit too readily on MN I believe.

Okbutnotgreat · 27/10/2021 08:15

Can you imagine the relationship if you were both as intense and over thinking as you appear to be @Wafflesandcrumpets08? You would never actually do anything, have fun or go anywhere because you’d both be continuously analysing each other.

He sounds perfectly normal, you come across as seriously needy and I think you should relax and just enjoy this very new relationship or let him go and find someone more fun tbh. Getting to know someone deeply takes years not weeks and isn’t something you can do by asking questions, it’s not a job interview.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 27/10/2021 08:16

I’d be the same as you, OP! I don’t know whether it would be a deal breaker for me if my dp wouldn’t talk about the deeper stuff. I think a month is plenty of time 😂😂

But then on the other hand, two people like us can get bogged down in talking about intense stuff all the time and forget to have fun, and the relationship can burn out.

See how it goes?

Bimblybomeyelash · 27/10/2021 08:17

Hmmm wanting to have long conversations about YOU and YOUR childhood doesn’t make you deep, it makes you self centred!

Original poster

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 08:17

Ok, I will forget the love languages. I know I am definitely over thinking and analysing too much, and I do agree that perhaps his personality could balance mine out... I just wanted him to show more interest in getting to know me deeper, but yes I can see I am rushing that. There is no need to rush.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so scared of being hurt, I over think everything! I am having counselling and discussing this all in therapy before people suggest that as well.

I feel really bad now that I've scared him away and put him right off! Should I just not message him and give him some space, should I say that I think I was being intense? Should I just act casual and let this blow over?

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 27/10/2021 08:18

He sounds really lovely to be honest, funny and up for things. I hope for your sake you haven't scared him off. I wouldn't start apologising, overanalysing, telling him where all this is coming from, that would sort of be doubling down on the intensity! Just be with him, have fun and see what evolves organically. No need for all the labels and categorising of people, I presume like most of us he's a mixed bag.

littlejalapeno · 27/10/2021 08:19

It’s ok to have struggled with your mental health and to have found ways to help you understand your experiences and want to support healthy relationships. I think you’re probably a lot younger than some of the people here commenting in the negative. There’s more learning to be done about how you address your anxiety around having and trusting a good relationship. You can let your fear of it all going tits up become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think he has reacted well and respectfully. The deeper convos will be stimulated by time and what you’re exposed to. Now really is the time for fun. I think you could tell him you realise it was probably a bit intense but that you would rather get to know him through chatting, hanging out and getting busy than with a cheat sheet questionnaire and you hope he’s not put off. Then take a deep breath and trust yourself that you can navigate it and have these mental health supports to fall back on if you’re feeling too vulnerable. Because it is ok to step back and put in a boundary if you’re feeling overwhelmed. You just have to communicate that to him. It sounds really promising early days though doesn’t it? Go enjoy yourself!

Original poster

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 08:19

@Bimblybomeyelash

Hmmm wanting to have long conversations about YOU and YOUR childhood doesn’t make you deep, it makes you self centred!

I want to know about his too! That is because he asked me a question about my parents, and I said that I don't talk to my parents, and he just said "oh right", rather than asking why or anything

OP posts:

gamerchick · 27/10/2021 08:21

feel really bad now that I've scared him away and put him right off! Should I just not message him and give him some space, should I say that I think I was being intense? Should I just act casual and let this blow over?

No, just don't mention it again. Just have a laugh with each other.

theresanooselooseaboutmyhoose · 27/10/2021 08:21

You sound terrifying I'm sorry op.

Are you sure you are in a place to be entering a relationship?

Surprised he's not legged it!

theresanooselooseaboutmyhoose · 27/10/2021 08:24

@gamerchick

No, just don't mention it again. Just have a laugh with each other.

Agree with this. Just back off. Don't mention the deep stuff, forget the questionnaire and try and enjoy it.

SmileyClare · 27/10/2021 08:24

Yeah it's a mistake to shoehorn the word Love into conversations when you've only been on a few dates

If you both have a good sense of humour, you can easily laugh this off. It's good you're having therapy but try not to over analyse everything and talk to everyone as if you're in a therapy session.

. Relax and go with the flow, don't look for problems that aren't there.

TheChip · 27/10/2021 08:27

Just move on from it.

Not everybody likes to ask personal questions, and leave it to the person to share. Him not asking why you are not in contact with your parents could easily be seen by many as invasive and overstepping.

Its very early days, and Imo, probably too early to be trudging through deep issues etc.
Its a time for being lighthearted, fun and enjoying each others company. Not sharing deep rooted trauma.

Journeynotdestination · 27/10/2021 08:28

With kindness OP you sound a bit self absorbed. You told him you didn’t want to talk about your parents, so he didn’t ask - and that’s not right with you either! C’mon, poor guy! A month is nothing! You are still almost strangers.
Stop looking for a man to fulfil every need, he doesn’t exist! You need to be happy with yourself and know that you are enough - and don’t need a man to complete you.
Well done on getting therapy. I’ve been similar to you so I get it… but realise that kind, funny, laid back nice men are nice! Just back off on the needing him to fulfil every emotional need you have. You’ll know after about 6 months if he is the right man for you but you’ll never meet one if you expect one to have ‘everything’.

Andwander · 27/10/2021 08:30

Goodness,your intensity after such a short time is frightening.And the poor man gets tested...IfI would be him,I would run,run,run....You actually sound quite controlling under the cover of being emotional and deep.You said you are co-dependant.For this relationship to have a future,you really have to slacken off.Depth in a relationship develops naturally with time.

GinIronic · 27/10/2021 08:30

If I asked someone about their parents and they said they didn’t speak to them, I wouldn’t ask why - I would assume it was a very sensitive topic and move on. Stop looking for deep and meaningful and enjoy the laughter and sex.

DrSbaitso · 27/10/2021 08:31

What does "deep" even mean in this context?

No, don't start digging even deeper. If you like him, just unclench and let things happen naturally. If it turns out that you just aren't compatible, you'll find that out.

I can't say I think two "deep" people, if it means what I think it means in this context, are going to get on very well. Sounds like a lot of hard work.

TheChip · 27/10/2021 08:31

@TheChip

Just move on from it.

Its very early days, and Imo, probably too early to be trudging through deep issues etc.
Its a time for being lighthearted, fun and enjoying each others company. Not sharing deep rooted trauma.

I meant him asking you about why you're not in contact with your parents could be seen as invasive. Sorry

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/10/2021 08:33

I would take not asking why you don't speak to your parents as respectful rather than a sign of not wanting to get to know you on a deeper level. That is your story to tell or not, not his to pry into.

User2638483 · 27/10/2021 08:34

@moregarlic

And fo everyone criticising OP for being interested in love languages, you should be open minded and give it a go! Lots of couples find it revelatory.

Yes but not many do it after a month of meeting!

JustAnother0ldMan · 27/10/2021 08:35

*I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

All this after a month, blimey you wouldn’t see my feet for dust I’d be leaving so quickly

SmileyClare · 27/10/2021 08:36

Not everyone likes to ask personal questions

I agree, it's actually considerate for him to not push you about your family situation. He asked a question about your parents, that was your chance to open up about your relationship with them if you felt comfortable.

He's not your therapist and he's not going to coax information out of you with probing questions.

You're not being "deep" you're being far too intense and trying to force this very new relationship forward too quickly.

I think you recognise this and can nip it in the bud, so don't worry too much, you haven't ruined things

IslaPineappple · 27/10/2021 08:36

Oh god

Poor bloke. I'm not sure this is going to work out 😬

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