He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

[Wafflesandcrumpets08]

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

I'm always on alert for red flags, I'm so used to things going wrong

Is this " Mr emotionally unavailable" thing been a problem before? Have you worked out where things were going wrong in past relationships?

You say you have issues with co dependency in relationships so it might help to look for red flags (from you) that you're repeating that pattern of behaviour.

It's unrealistic to expect "love words of affirmation" and deep intense talks about commitment and feelings this early on in a relationship.

In fact it would (as mentioned) be as sign that a man is not genuine and is possibly manipulating you. Abusive men will be attracted to your neediness and insecurity and have a field day.

I'd advise having some time out and exploring your issues with co dependency in your therapy sessions?

A month in and your getting him to do the love languages thing? NOOOOO!

Don't get me wrong I think it can be quite a useful thing to explore, but not at that stage. I think we waited until we had been married 20 years, which seems about right

I'm not surprised you couldn't relax if he wanted to stay awake and kiss you "literally all night".

I think I'd get quite bored of that and want to get some sleep!

Seriously though, if you can't relax and be yourself around him, it's not looking good. Maybe you started the relationship trying really hard to be the person you thought he wanted? (Joking, laughing, and joining in with his sense of humour) but it wasn't really you.

“I think I'm just way too uptight and scared of being hurt.”

This is your problem, OP. Fear of emotional pain is your enemy here. You want guarantees that you won’t get hurt. Not only can no-one guarantee that you won’t get hurt, we can guarantee that you will. Even in a healthy, successful relationship, the parties periodically hurt each other’s feelings. And no matter how well-established your relationship is, no-one can be completely sure what’s round the corner.

This is actually why I think it’s a really useful experience to have your heart broken relatively early on in your romantic life. Emotional pain can be very distressing and difficult at first. But most people have their heart broken at some time and the vast majority recover just fine. Time really is a great healer. And it’s very empowering to know that you can have your heart broken, get over it, enjoy life again and love again.

I know an amazing woman in her early 40s. She told me that she’d never been in love because she was so afraid of being hurt. She could still settle down of course but she’s missed a lot of opportunities to practise being in a relationship and may have lost the chance for children. Think of everything she’s missed and missing.

There’s a reason for the expression: “it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. No-one on their deathbed is going to be thinking “I’m so glad my feelings were never hurt”.

It’s important not to take your feelings too seriously. I used to do just that. It was a revelation when I learnt to have my feelings rather than my feelings having me.

This guy might not be the one for you or he might be. Either way, your approach is wrong. You’re looking for guarantees where there can’t be any and your fear of being hurt is holding you back. Release that fear. Live live fully. If you get hurt, you can and will deal with it and you will in time get over it and move on. Otherwise you’ll be missing out on a whole range of wonderful, life-affirming and indeed useful experiences.

Everyone's bring very tough on you, but it might just be that this bloke isn't right.

Only one relationship is a bit unusual, for someone in their 30s.

You're very sensitive - did you have a shouty, unpredictable or turbulent childhood home? I did and it's made me HYPER VIGILANT to my partners' every mood. It's exhausting. You sound like me when I was dating the wrong people - really wanting it to work, but blaming anything that went wrong purely on myself.

Just relax, let go, and see what actions he takes to be nice to you. Keep a diary if that helps.

If you still feel a bit off after a week or do, just bin him. 😆

@AlbertBridge

Everyone's bring very tough on you, but it might just be that this bloke isn't right.

Only one relationship is a bit unusual, for someone in their 30s.

You're very sensitive - did you have a shouty, unpredictable or turbulent childhood home? I did and it's made me HYPER VIGILANT to my partners' every mood. It's exhausting. You sound like me when I was dating the wrong people - really wanting it to work, but blaming anything that went wrong purely on myself.

Just relax, let go, and see what actions he takes to be nice to you. Keep a diary if that helps.

If you still feel a bit off after a week or do, just bin him. 😆

Thank you @AlbertBridge yes my childhood was shouty, unpredictable and turbulent. Hence my awful habit of needing to read people's emotions, thoughts, intentions all of the time. You are right, it is so exhausting. I'm constantly trying to suss people out in order to remain safe I guess. I also do blame everything on myself!

I am seeing my counsellor this evening so I am going to talk it all through with her.

He is nice to me, but just also something I can't figure out...like the teasing and the sarcasm where he acts like he's not fussed about me, even though i know he is really! I don't know, I just feel weird and I can't relax. I will just see what happens.

One of my best friends is 30 and has never had a relationship- she just hasn't met anyone and is quite shy so doesn't put herself out there much, but there is nothing wrong with her! It is more his comments about his ex of 4 years not knowing anything about him and he liked that... I just feel that is such an odd thing. But hey ho!

Maybe you're having too much counselling and the constant discussion of things is creating false/exaggerated narratives.

I think you should trust your gut instinct.
Some people just don't have many layers, and don't be fooled that because you do, he will have them too.
If you really like him, you could give him a bit of time, but be prepared that what you see now might be all you'll ever get, and that will lead to boredom and frustration.

OP teasing & playful sarcasm in my book means I like someone. That’s how I show interest! Also my pants can only be laughed off. Would struggle to want to sleep with someone who didn’t make me laugh all the way to bed basically.

When you make decisions based on fear it’s an unhealthy place to be making decisions

Quite frankly you sound desperate to have someone fit into the role of boyfriend, so this guy may well not be right for you & you’re trying to convince yourself it’s great. Maybe that’s why you were so looking forward to seeing him, it in person it wasn’t that great.

But also it sounds like you’re scared - of wasting time, of being single, of things not working out & you’re looking for problems & overanalysing.

He didn’t make you laugh on this recent date - why, because he wasn’t funny or was your mind racing at top speed & you were so in your head you couldn’t just enjoy the moment?

You sound like you will be the kind to instigate a breakup but then want to see if he “proves” himself by “fighting for you”

Yes relationships should not be so angst ridden & difficult, not 1 month in! But it sounds like you’ve created all this angst.

The song/film clip for Taylor Swift Blank Space is coming to mind (from the Swifty thread)

@smoko

OP teasing & playful sarcasm in my book means I like someone. That’s how I show interest! Also my pants can only be laughed off. Would struggle to want to sleep with someone who didn’t make me laugh all the way to bed basically.

When you make decisions based on fear it’s an unhealthy place to be making decisions

Quite frankly you sound desperate to have someone fit into the role of boyfriend, so this guy may well not be right for you & you’re trying to convince yourself it’s great. Maybe that’s why you were so looking forward to seeing him, it in person it wasn’t that great.

But also it sounds like you’re scared - of wasting time, of being single, of things not working out & you’re looking for problems & overanalysing.

He didn’t make you laugh on this recent date - why, because he wasn’t funny or was your mind racing at top speed & you were so in your head you couldn’t just enjoy the moment?

You sound like you will be the kind to instigate a breakup but then want to see if he “proves” himself by “fighting for you”

Yes relationships should not be so angst ridden & difficult, not 1 month in! But it sounds like you’ve created all this angst.

The song/film clip for Taylor Swift Blank Space is coming to mind (from the Swifty thread)

You are completely right - I was so in my head that I couldn't enjoy the moment. And it didn't feel nice at all. I wish I could stop trying to analyse all situations and meanings behind things.

I'm definitely not desperate for him to be my boyfriend though, I haven't been single that long and i was enjoying time to myself! I also don't feel much of an emotional bond or connection to him so I wouldn't be that phased if this all just ended, as it has all just been very surface level and detached.

“I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong.”

But…It’s been just 4 weeks! How much more of an “emotional connection” is realistic? Why ask them to fill out a love languages questionnaire if you don’t even feel an emotional connection? Why make a thread on here with all this handwriting when you feel no connection?

You should break up with this guy so he can be free to be with someone who sees him as enough. You sound like an absolute headcase.

You want someone to fall instantly in love with you basically, from what I see.