He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

[Wafflesandcrumpets08]

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

Honestly OP it will either work or it won’t. Try to just let it flow. I’m quite a closed book and introverted and DH is very open, outgoing and asks lots of questions. The way he got me to open up was over time, by asking me things in conversation and now after 10 years together I’m a different, more open and happier person. If he had launched straight in at the deep end and made me fill out questionnaires you wouldn’t have seen me for dust.

OP, have you actually looked up the source of ‘love languages’? It’s from a book by a couple of Southern Baptist marriage counsellors, based on anecdotes from their (deeply conservative Christian) pool of clients, and presupposes you’re in a longterm committed marriage to the other person and want to learn your spouse’s preferred way of receiving love. Even if you think it’s anything more than psychobabble — neither of them have any psychology qualifications — it doesn’t map onto a relationship that extends only to dating for a few weeks.

Peer-reviewed studies which have tried to see if there’s any evidence base to the ‘five languages’ concept have had mixed and inconclusive results.

You've only been seeing him for a month.

A "deep connection" (whatever that even means but I'm sure it's mentioned in hundreds of self help books) is built up over years (decades!) of shared experiences, trips, heartaches and joys.

You can't just expect him to ask you questions and you'll form this type of connection.

He sounds nice and realistic - you are rushing things. Calm it down and let things happen. Please don't ask him to do a questionnaire.

There really is no need to analyse his response to you presenting him with a questionnaire. You seem to have concluded that he's shallow and you're not compatible.

His response was to co operate but he joked about being terrified and made a light hearted comment about you finding out that he was boring and not spiritual.

He was laughing off the very awkward moment you created.

This reminds me of when Mark gets together with Cally on Peep show. They're bouncing off each other, laughing at some of the "hippy" stuff at the Christian rock festival until Mark makes a joke about the Crystal skulls.

Cally is suddenly very intense and tells Mark the relationship is going no where if he doesn't believe in the deep spiritual power of crystals. Mark ends up agreeing that they are powerful centres of healing because he wants a shag.

I guess he didn't want to probe after you said you don't speak to your parents. Because you didn't offer any further explanation of that unusual circumstance.
Yet you want to probe him for information and make him do a questionnaire about love.
I wonder do you stay away from difficult emotion material yet perhaps also hold idealised views about perfect love or somesuch.

You were too intense but you know that now!
I'd sway between just leaving it and just continue having a laugh or telling him you went a bit rogue and you look forward to more fun dates. Good luck!

he asked me a question about my parents, and I said that I don't talk to my parents, and he just said "oh right", rather than asking why or anything
So he respected your wishes not to speak about your parents?

@GinIronic

If I asked someone about their parents and they said they didn’t speak to them, I wouldn’t ask why - I would assume it was a very sensitive topic and move on. Stop looking for deep and meaningful and enjoy the laughter and sex.

Exactly. I hate intrusive personal questions. He was being sensitive and waiting for you to say more if you wanted to.

You sound incredibly self centred, OP. And it strikes me that someone easy going and comfortable in their own skin is exactly what you need.

I wouldn't probe too much after knowing someone for a month - it's not insensitive or shallow, it's understanding that there is a possible history that is not his business yet. I think it shows more emotional intelligence than to start asking direct questions at this point. I wouldn't expect anyone to open themselves up completely to me after that length of time and I wouldn't do it myself either.

If you are with someone then it will come in time op. If you regularly do this with your partners then I can see why you feel so hurt when youve shared so much from an early point and then the relationship has broken down.

I feel smothered just reading the first post.

I agree, a lot of this is probably because you feel insecure and frightened of things going wrong. Try not to let those insecurities tip over into a neediness that might push him away x

I feel so embarrassed and just want to crawl and hide under a rock!! I do agree with everything you have said and feel a complete idiot. I'm supposed to be seeing him Saturday, I feel like I should just not message him today and give him some space?

@MichelleScarn

I personally would find a 'love language' questionnaire hideously creepy and forced. But that's my opinion. I think you're at risk if trying to force this deep connection really quickly. How often have you seen each other in the 4 weeks you've been together?

That is something I would have done from J17 magazine when I was at school.

@Wafflesandcrumpets08

I feel so embarrassed and just want to crawl and hide under a rock!! I do agree with everything you have said and feel a complete idiot. I'm supposed to be seeing him Saturday, I feel like I should just not message him today and give him some space?

If you've scared him off he'll back off himself or look for space himself, no need for you to pre-empt it.

See him Saturday as planned and carry on having a laugh with him.

Would you normally message him? If yes, then do so. Because otherwise you are making assumptions on how he is feeling and what he is needing. Just act as normal, as this is a tiny thing, not the huge thing you're building it up to be. It might not even have registered as a thing for him at all.

Don't blank him now, that will make him feel like he failed your test. Carry on as if you never had that weird episode. Don't mention questionnaires or test him with teasers about your family, just enjoy his company and see what happens.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet

OMG I'm surprised he is still in contact ...life shouldn't be like this one month in or ever !

@DuchessOfDisaster same, and praying it matched me with Nick from Backstreet Boys!

Ah, the self professed deep and spiritual person. Always a delight. People who proclaim his ‘deep’ they are, but they don’t mean ‘I’m interested in moral philosophy, talk to me about Hume and Kant’. They’re not pondering the meaning of life. They mean ‘I wholeheartedly subscribe to early 90’s Christian pseudoscience based on no clinical research whatsoever’. They claim to be ‘spiritual’, but basically mean they like crystals and believe in ghosts. Then bemoan the fact that nobody else is on their level. Ah, the perils of depth.

You claim you ‘love getting to know people deeply’. How do you generally achieve this? Giving them questionnaires? If you want to have a particular conversation, then start said conversation. If you want to discuss his childhood, then ask him about his childhood. If you want to explore ideas or concepts, then talk to him about them.

He sounds delightful, but I’m afraid that you do not come across as ‘deep’.

Christ almighty. I loathe this 'love language' woo bullshit at the best of times, but asking someone to complete a questionnaire on it? Mental.

This poor guy, I would climb inside my own belly button and run for my life if somebody was trying this with me. To be clear, you sound like the sort of person that would attach themselves to somebody like an alien face hugger with a full on subscription of magazines like 28 day bride, commitment for the desperate and PleaseLoveMe.

This is supposed to be fun, for both of you. You acknowledge that you are/have been co dependent, are needy etc but you need to really rein this in. Relationships that are forced never ever work. And off suicide tell me they don't want to talk about something I would absolutely did what he did. They have told you they don't want something, you respect it. It sounds almost like you are intentionally trying to withhold things in the hope that he will push? Or else why would you WANT him to ask but then say you don't want to talk?

I would ABSOLUTELY give him space and then tread slowly.

@ImUninsultable

I'd be running if I were him.

You need to calm down.

Totally agree. The only red flag here is you.

Listen OP, just chill out and take a breath. Everything's ok. Nothing is lost.
Carry on as normal, texting him and meeting up and enjoying each other's company. Have fun.
On your 10th wedding anniversary you can remind him about the questionnaire and do it together then!

It’s ok to be embarrassed, you were a bit full on. But he does sound like he’s fine about it so just carry on as normal. However, even though people are making nasty comments about depth - if this is important to you, in the sort of way you want to connect deeper than the mundane (doesn’t have to be woo spiritual crystal guff ) then bear it in mind. Keep communicating and starting the sorts of conversations you enjoy and see how things develop that way rather than forcing things via quizzes etc.

I feel so embarrassed and just want to crawl and hide under a rock!! I do agree with everything you have said and feel a complete idiot. I'm supposed to be seeing him Saturday, I feel like I should just not message him today and give him some space?

Omg stop! At the moment - in his eyes - you are a hilariously funny woman he loves spending time who, who occasionally bangs on about wanky stuff like love languages.

That's literally it. Don't start ignoring him or cancelling dates because that would be weird.

I'm like you - anxious, overthinking. I met my second DH and he was the polar opposite - easy going, low maintenance, happy go lucky, etc. I didn't want to scare him off with my deep (morose!) side 😆 so I just tried to be cool and casual... Years later I once asked him if he hated the real "deep" me, as I'd been so cool/chilled when I first dated him.

He said, "Um - no you weren't!" He'd seen right through me to the anxious, insecure mess trembling inside and he still thought I was amazing. The right person sees you for the mess you are inside and loves you anyway.

Please calm down. You've still got a date. He still likes you. Men don't expect women to be robotically rational or logical. They expect us to be slightly nutty about some stuff, but they choose the nuttiness. Believing in relationship book nonsense = adorable nuttiness. Ignoring him and cancelling dates = weird nuttiness.

Honestly just pretend the conversation never happened and keep moving. Just step over it (in your mind) and keep walking.