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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

186 replies

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 07:45

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

OP posts:
Buggritbuggrit · 29/10/2021 17:13

Awww, OP! I admit that I was not on your side earlier in this thread, but I really love how graciously you’ve taken this all on board. Wishing you all the best and I hope tomorrow goes well.

znaika · 29/10/2021 17:14

OP your response to this thread seems to be very emotionally healthy. Cringe, laugh at yourself and move on. You sound nice. I hope he's as lovely as he sounds.

LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2021 17:18

That’s a great update OP, hope you have lots of fun!

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 29/10/2021 17:38

Awwww, thank you for the kind words!! That's so nice. I am glad I have redeemed myself for some people, haha.

I definitely want to take feedback on board, and I am very appreciative to hear the truth!! Because I don't want to mess things up! And I want to have a healthy, happy, relationship/dating life (whether that is with him or someone else) so I really just want to learn because I often feel clueless!

It is very helpful to have someone (or lots of people, haha) point out when I'm being a tit!

Hopefully I can let go a bit and just enjoy it :)

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 30/10/2021 07:26

Being able to laugh at yourself is a very admirable quality but not always easy. I bet you are great fun. Keep laughing it's so important.

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 31/10/2021 13:16

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to update really about how it went yesterday. I've just got home....Blush I did stay the night with him, but didn't have sex (we were literally awake all night kissing though!)

Just want your perspectives really as like I said, I don't really trust my judgement and feel quite clueless.

So he is 32, and he has only been in 1 relationship which he said was when he was "really young" (I'm not sure how old he was), he said in this relationship she didn't know much about him and in hindsight he should have ended it 2 years in because it became quite one sided with her liking him more than he liked her.

He said that the last time he dated someone was about 3-4 years ago, and even that was only 4 dates.

He said he has been on lots of dates but it has never gone anywhere after 1 or 2 dates because he isn't feeling it.

He said he doesn't like to open up to women, or let them in until he has decided if he is right for them or she is right for him... he said he feels uncomfortable talking about himself or his feelings, and when you let someone in then they can hurt you... even though he said he hadn't even been hurt by someone so couldn't really explain what was behind why he doesn't want to let someone in?

He said he buckles under pressure, hates pressure and that's why he prefers to take things slow. Said that he sees his friends who are settled down and are always at home not doing much, and he doesn't want that, he wants to have fun etc and be social.

I'm just a bit worried is he mr emotionally unavailable? I guess I've got further with him than anyone else in recent years, and he told me that he told his BIL about me. But I'm worried I guess about his lack of commitment and ability to open up in the past with anyone.

He does say nice things to me, but most the time he just teases me, acts as if he doesnt like me, teases me etc, he isn't one for saying sweet things.

What does everyone think?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 13:18

What does everyone think?

I think you need to get to know each other better, organically, (so not interrogations and investigations) and try to relax while you're doing it. It's actually supposed to be fun at this point.

Mojoj · 31/10/2021 13:24

You sound like hard work.

Odile13 · 31/10/2021 13:30

Well, he divulged quite a lot of personal information to you there. If you like him, I would keep getting to know him and see how things develop. You need to find out how YOU feel about him first. I wouldn’t judge him harshly - we all have different relationship experiences and it sounds like he’s been pretty open. If I remember correctly you’ve only known him a month too.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 13:39

Are you also in your thirties? I'm surprised you haven't had sex after dating for a month and sleeping in the same bed together. Is that a mutual decision?
I think sex definitely deepens a connection with a partner and develops intimacy.

If you're enjoying spending time with him then just stop trying to analyse him and putting labels on him.

He has opened up about himself, which is what you wanted, and lo and behold you're picking apart everything he's said as if you're a therapist, it sounds pretty uncomfortable Grin
What is "Mr emotionally unavailable" ? You can't pigeon hole people like this.

You're probably just feeling a little insecure and worrying about potential problems but with new relationships I think you can't force a strong connection or immediately know each other inside out. That takes time and shared experiences.

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 31/10/2021 13:51

I don't know, something just doesn't feel right :-(

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 13:53

@Wafflesandcrumpets08

I don't know, something just doesn't feel right :-(
You know, I think you're right. It hardly matters what the issue is, whether it's incompatibility or you being over analytical or he's not "deep"...either way, you're not having fun and it doesn't sound like he is either.
Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 31/10/2021 13:58

I was really looking forward to seeing him all week and lots of laughing in our texts, and the stupid love languages thing got brushed over easily, but I don't know. Even though we have a lot of sexual chemistry, something just feels wrong. Why was I so excited to see him, but it didn't feel like that in person?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 31/10/2021 13:59

@Wafflesandcrumpets08

I was really looking forward to seeing him all week and lots of laughing in our texts, and the stupid love languages thing got brushed over easily, but I don't know. Even though we have a lot of sexual chemistry, something just feels wrong. Why was I so excited to see him, but it didn't feel like that in person?
How much time and energy do you intend to spend wondering about it?

There comes a point where the return won't be worth it even if it's great...

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 31/10/2021 14:02

I don't know really, I feel confused and I probably just have some time on my own I guess. I like him but I just have a pessimistic gut feeling.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 14:04

Oh right, it's just that 3 days ago you said you had a great connection, messages every day, you've never laughed so much. Maybe that's not for you? I'd personally love that and hate sitting about talking about my feelings and don't want a partner that showers me with slushy sentimental talk.

It's possible he's picking up on this side of you now and making it clear he's not touchy feely with emotions. That doesn't mean they're not there but it's uncomfortable for a lot of people.

And of course it's too early to discuss commitment, settling down and declaring your feelings. You've known him a few weeks. I get the impression you're whacking up the pressure and he's backing off.

Tillysfad · 31/10/2021 14:06

I think you're incompatible in your attachment styles but not only that, you've met at the wrong time when you want different things from life. He's gone away and come up with an articulate defense in response to your choice of timing and intimacy. You're not laughing now and the sexual chemistry means nothing at this stage imo. You're not suited.

You sound like you'd be vulnerable to a love bombing narcissist though. Be very careful as someone giving you exactly what you want, as you've outlined it here, could well be abusive.

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 14:09

It's also possible you've created a false intimacy talking online and have fallen for your idea of him which doesn't quite match up with him in person?

You don't have to date anyone you don't want to, I mean you don't owe him anything. However, your head seems to be all over the place and I think you're being very intense.

JoanOgden · 31/10/2021 14:09

You say he "acts as if he doesn't like you". Is he constantly negging you? If so this is definitely a red flag.

babbi · 31/10/2021 14:10

@Tillysfad

I think you're incompatible in your attachment styles but not only that, you've met at the wrong time when you want different things from life. He's gone away and come up with an articulate defense in response to your choice of timing and intimacy. You're not laughing now and the sexual chemistry means nothing at this stage imo. You're not suited.

You sound like you'd be vulnerable to a love bombing narcissist though. Be very careful as someone giving you exactly what you want, as you've outlined it here, could well be abusive.

OP very wise advice from @Tillysfad I would read that through a few times and have a think .

Re your gut telling you something is wrong … you’re gut will be right . Listen to it .

Only once did I ignore my gut in a relationship and I paid for it dearly .
Please don’t let that be you .

I would move on if I were you .
Take care

TerraNovaTwo · 31/10/2021 14:13

It is only a month in OP!

However, like many people (on here too) he seems not fond of nor interested in emotional intimacy/being vulnerable.

So, you're probably not for one another.

TerraNovaTwo · 31/10/2021 14:14

Also, when someone tells me they're not deep or spiritual, I believe them. You can't force this guy into someone you want him to be. Move on.

todaysdilemma · 31/10/2021 14:19

Very hard to tell you much about him or your relationship OP. But whatever he is, you clearly are struggling with him. It could be you have completely incompatible approaches to relationships, or he is emotionally unavailable, or you're just being pessimistic/over thinking.

Maybe give it some time and see if you feel differently around him. You wanted deep conversations and it seems like he gave you that by sharing his history and his life story. Given you've never had sex I don't think you can expect much more yet.

Not sure what you mean about the 'he doesn't seem to like you'? Can you give an example? Is it put downs disguised as a joke? That tbh would put me off as I don't find negging appealing.

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 31/10/2021 14:21

I think I'm just way too uptight and scared of being hurt. I question whether I am even in a good head space to date anyone because I'm making it way too stressful. I loved how much he made me laugh but yesterday I wasn't laughing much, I just felt so stuck in my head and felt I just couldn't relax :( I have probably just sabotaged this whole thing for myself, but I do think that maybe we just are too different

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/10/2021 14:25

@Tillysfad advice is wise.

Listen to your gut.

But it definitely sounds to me that you need to focus on yourself and your therapy and get a grip on your anxiety.

Your stress levels seem very high and I think you need to listen to that.

Flowers