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Original poster

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?

186 replies

Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 07:45

I've been dating a guy for only a month now.. but so far, so good, I really like him.

Great physical connection, great banter, our sense of humour bounces off eachother, I haven't laughed so much in SOO long. He messages me every day, and seems to really like me too!

Me being me, of course I'm on the alert for red flags, for warning signs, and I wonder if I'm even trying to ruin things before they get going because I'm so used to things going wrong. But one thing that has been on my mind is a lack of deeper conversations. One minute I tell myself, I've only known him for a month, this can come with time, and other times I feel frustrated and want to connect with him on a deeper level. We have so much fun when we see eachother, but we never really sit and talk about anything meaningful.

I am a very sensitive, emotional person, I love getting to know people very deeply. I have bee quite co-dependent in the past, and I want to form strong connections to people very quickly (which is something i am trying to be mindful of!)

I want him to ask questions to me about my life, childhood, etc, and I want to know everything about him too! Which I feel now I am just trying to rush.

I spoke to him about it last night and asked if he had heard of love languages. I asked if he would do the questionnaire, and he said "that sounds terrifying, but if you want me to do it then I will" which I thought was really sweet.

Words of affirmation is my love language, so verbal communication is very important to me, and I want to know what his is!

He then said that he felt he was going to disappoint me. That he is not a deep or spiritual person, and he doesn't want me to find out that inside his brain is boring. He said he is pretty much what I have already seen and that's just him. But he said he will try to get to know me more and kiss me less next time.

I feel like I've made him feel criticised and like I'm not happy with him, and I reassured him that I love his company, and that I just want us to get to know eachother better and connect more...

What does everyone think about this?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 10:30

You seem to hold the idea of people having a perfect, complimentary 'other half', whereas I think that's made-up, fictional-romantic bollocks, inevitably driving its adherents towards disappointment, drink and early death. If you want to live like a C19th romantic poet, go for it.

I think you cannot ever expect to have every need met by one person. That the healthiest thing you can do is recognise that, know what your own needs and wants are, then work out how each is going to be met, in the context of your life and relationships. Your partner will meet some, friends and other outlets will meet others.

Placing the burden of being your everything upon one person is too much, it will sink them and destroy you. Only weirdly needy, empty-inside people with no self-esteem do that anyway.

So, does this bloke fit into your life and meet enough needs for the relationship to work? Could you see him continuing to fit into your life as that life changes? Does he make you feel good about yourself, happier, lighter, more content? Do you think you could face and overcome challenges and sadness together?

One step at a time though. You cannot find out everything at once. Some characteristics and behaviours will only reveal themselves with time. You learn by living, not by quizzing.

You sound rather as though you want to date via online profile, rather than relate to an actual person. Talking about love languages is fine, as it's about establishing good communication and that is essential. Probing him to discover how deep his brain goes is not fine, it's intrusive. Just chill, chat and see what happens!

Original poster
Wafflesandcrumpets08 · 27/10/2021 10:48

Thank you everyone. I'm really grateful for these responses as it is a reality check! I really hope this will just blow over and be forgotten about and we can get back to laughing. I guess hopefully his personality type means he won't be overthinking this too much and can laugh it off! I won't bring up the bloody quiz again, I want to just have fun and get to know him naturally!

Thinking about my best friends, I don't sit down and quiz them about their lives, childhood, feelings etc, we just naturally built that over time!

I text him to say I hope he has a good day, and he text back to say he hopes I have a good day too and that he sends me a hug. He put a few kisses on the end, so seems normal... God I hope I stop cringing soon, this feels awful!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2021 10:50

Btw over-thinking is the opposite of being deep. It is rumination i.e. kicking the same handful of stones around the same shallow puddle, endlessly.

NautaOcts · 27/10/2021 11:04

Aw try not to cringe too much.
Also keep an open mind. It may be hard to put into words but it’s very early days. Time will tell but it could well be that you aren’t compatible in terms of how much he wants to ask stuff and find out about you vs how much you do this. I’m probably not wording it well either but I would definitely like to be with someone that likes talking about stuff and takes an interest.
So your gut could be telling you something here.
Just enjoy getting to know each other, don’t get too invested too quickly and see what happens!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/10/2021 11:10

OK, in the spirit of research I just did that love languages quiz. Or one of the eleventy billion versions of it I found when I Googled it.

Please, please don't make him do it. As far as I can see, it boils down to: Would you (a) like your partner to say 'I love you'; (b) like your partner to give you a gift or (c) like your partner to do the hoovering without being asked?

It is so very far from deep that I don't think shallow even covers it. Maybe slightly damp to the touch? I think just never mention it again and enjoy allowing the relationship to evolve naturally. And stop thinking of yourself as deep - no good can come of it!

Heartdogs · 27/10/2021 11:19

Don't let your embarrassment ruin things. From his response it sounds as if he isn't going to dwell on it so just laugh at yourself if it is brought up again and move on otherwise. He obviously likes you. I would just enjoy yourself and see what happens.

Cranncat · 27/10/2021 11:22

@Wafflesandcrumpets08

Thank you everyone. I'm really grateful for these responses as it is a reality check! I really hope this will just blow over and be forgotten about and we can get back to laughing. I guess hopefully his personality type means he won't be overthinking this too much and can laugh it off! I won't bring up the bloody quiz again, I want to just have fun and get to know him naturally!

Thinking about my best friends, I don't sit down and quiz them about their lives, childhood, feelings etc, we just naturally built that over time!

I text him to say I hope he has a good day, and he text back to say he hopes I have a good day too and that he sends me a hug. He put a few kisses on the end, so seems normal... God I hope I stop cringing soon, this feels awful!

Have one good full-body cringe, and then put it out of your head and enjoy a new relationship, @Wafflesandcrumpets08.
MichelleScarn · 27/10/2021 11:55

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross I also googled but couldn't cope with even reading the questions, it reminded me of the awful questionnaire that the careers advisor made you do... would you rather.. bake a cake/arrange some flowers/do lots of sums...
I got told I could be a scientist or a fish farmer or an accountant....Grin

TheLastLonelyBakedBeanInTheTin · 27/10/2021 11:58

Relationships don't need to be about finding somebody just like you (wouldn't that be boring anyway?) Two very intense 'deep' codependent people sounds like a recipe for all kinds of toxicity, whereas a relationship with somebody who is different could be the antidote to that kind of intense dysfunction. You need to have enough common ground to meet on, to not have any massively opposing view points and to not clash, but if you get on well and are having fun and this is the only concern then I don't think that is a problem. I think sometimes we make the mistake of trying to find our soulmate thinking that person must be the mirror to us, when really they need to be our equal but not our mirror image.

You might be more similar than you realise. You Wear deep on the outside and your lighter side is hiding, and he wears his lighter side on the outside, but may have hidden depths. You won't know until you give it some time and find out about each other. You might find that your different personalities are like magnets, that can never meet in the middle no matter how hard you try, or that your actually make a harmonious couple, complimenting each other's attributes so that it works brilliantly.

Give it some time. I hope you find you're the perfect mix of yin and yang

He said he isn't a deep person. I am, is this a problem?
gamerchick · 27/10/2021 12:07

I text him to say I hope he has a good day, and he text back to say he hopes I have a good day too and that he sends me a hug. He put a few kisses on the end, so seems normal... God I hope I stop cringing soon, this feels awful

You will. Let it go now and maybe hide this thread so you don't keep coming back to what it's going to turn into.

Enjoy and have an awesome weekend.

FolornLawn · 27/10/2021 12:38

Excellent most recent update, OP. Totally front it out and move beyond it. That feeling of ‘I’ve spoiled everything’ is awful, but you really haven’t.

You still comment on “his personality type” though. Stop doing that! You’re placing far too much emphasis on cod psychology.

Try to relax (I’d say just be yourself but I’m not sure that’s wise WinkGrin). He obviously enjoys spending time with you. Have a lovely time at the weekend.

Hadjab · 27/10/2021 12:49

That is because he asked me a question about my parents, and I said that I don't talk to my parents, and he just said "oh right", rather than asking why or anything

A month into a relationship, of any sort, I’m not going to ask why you don’t speak to your parents - I don’t know you from Adam, it’s not my business.

VodselForDinner · 27/10/2021 13:03

I’m definitely projecting here as my experiences of people who describe themselves as “deep thinkers” has typically been very negative so, in his shoes, I’d run a mile on hearing this.

That aside, if anyone asked me to complete a questionnaire after knowing each other for approximately 30 days, I’d be giving that a very hard swerve.

Dillydollydingdong · 27/10/2021 13:12

Life is supposed to be fun! Not deep, probing questions. Take a step back, a deep breath, and calm down. You'll get to know each other naturally with the passage of time.

GentlemanJay · 27/10/2021 13:19

@MintJulia

After a month, I'd be running for the hills if I was him.

Surely that is the time for uncomplicated fun. easy going joint experiences and getting to know each other without getting too heavy.

This.
tomorrowalready · 27/10/2021 16:31

Wafflesandcrumpets, try to bear in mind that we all reveal ourselves in everything we do and everything we say so it doesn't actually matter what the conversation or situation is, you are getting to know each other. Of course everybody has their own way of interpreting the words and actions of others so when he didn't ask further about your parents, he may have just meant to be polite and not intrusive and thinking if you want him to know more you'll tell him. I say this as another one who was always told I overthink things but have realised I get on better with people when I take them at face value and keep my judgements to myself. And I was and am very judgemental.

Lilolily · 27/10/2021 20:30

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m exactly the same, wanting that connection as quickly as possible. I love hard or not at all.

DrSbaitso · 27/10/2021 20:34

@Lilolily

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m exactly the same, wanting that connection as quickly as possible. I love hard or not at all.
Why does loving hard have to mean loving immediately? If there's so much to discover and understand, surely it's going to take time?
DrManhattan · 27/10/2021 21:03

@theresanooselooseaboutmyhoose
I posted on the wrong thread, I'd lost my way from AIBU. Sorry about that Smile

OverTheRubicon · 27/10/2021 21:18

@Lilolily

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m exactly the same, wanting that connection as quickly as possible. I love hard or not at all.
When a man does that, every MNer on the Relationship board cries lovebombing and red flags.

After a month you don't love someone. You don't even know them.

Timeforachange22 · 27/10/2021 21:27

I don't consider myself to be a deep person and I don't like talking about sensitive topics about my past (I don't talk to my parents either) but I do know what you mean about people that don't ask you any questions about yourself. I totally get that and it can feel like they don't really care that much.

Buggritbuggrit · 27/10/2021 23:01

@Lilolily

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. I’m exactly the same, wanting that connection as quickly as possible. I love hard or not at all.
This seems incredibly unhealthy. Loving hard is excellent, but why ‘as quickly as possible’? Why wouldn’t you want to take the time to properly get to know someone? There’s no stopwatch.
Alexandria94 · 28/10/2021 01:26

Poor you, I can feel you cringing from here! I'm an over-thinker too and I know how easy it is to spiral. However, the thing you were worrying about (him not being 'deep enough'... which, by the way, I'm not saying is correct) may be your saving grace. You're only a month in, hopefully he is just looking forward to your next date and won't think much of your questions.

Maybe more kissing less quizzing this time around Grin

todaysdilemma · 28/10/2021 06:31

Why on earth would someone open up about their hopes, thoughts, fears, internal trauma to someone they've known a month?? You're not even bf/gf - can you imagine if you did this with everyone you casually dated! You, OP, need to be more careful about who YOU share your inner most thoughts and feelings with until someone has earned that trust. Otherwise you're just opening yourself up to arseholes who will use it against you.

This is not emotionally healthy and it still seems you have work to do before you understand how to connect with someone without being codependent. The trouble with dating anyway, when you're still in therapy without getting closer to understanding what/why you do something and how to stop it, is you'll just chase away anyone with healthy boundaries. And attract equally codependent or manipulative partners.

Just leave it with him. Back off the love languages, stop trying to rush the process of getting to know him. Let it happen naturally and if you find he still doesn't have the emotional depth you want, then you can walk away. But depth comes with trust and time. And this isn't going to happen a month in.

Btw I too would consider myself not deep, not because I don't have feelings, emotions, quite strong opinions on life/love etc but because I don't spend time ruminating and re-living and analysing my life. I'm too busy living it and enjoying it. So I will happily discuss philosophy and politics but not why I have a certain relationship with my mum. And I certainly wouldn't be discussing deeply personal things with anyone until I know they'll be a more permanent gesture of my life. So kudos to him for not proving into why you don't talk to your parents - he obv feels it's not his place to pry and you'll open up of your want to.

DameMaureen · 28/10/2021 09:21

@AlbertBridge

Men don't expect women to be robotically rational or logical. They expect us to be slightly nutty about some stuff, but they choose the nuttiness

Is that right now ?