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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 25/10/2021 13:08

4 months off drugs doesn’t seem very long. He was violent, he wouldn’t be coming back at all

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:09

He never hit me but he did throw things and punch a hole in the wall.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 25/10/2021 13:10

That would be enough for me, especially as he isn’t the father of the DC.

Chewieboora · 25/10/2021 13:12

Why is it a big decision? Dont allow a violent addict in your home. Pretty obvious. You put your children and their well-being first.

Waahingwashingwashing · 25/10/2021 13:13

Are SS involved?

Why would you want a violent drug addict back in your home?

Pashazade · 25/10/2021 13:16

He'd need to be clean for a couple of years before I'd even consider letting him back into my home let alone 4 months, that's nothing. Respect your kids, they should come first.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 13:18

You listen to your dc... Maybe living in eggshells is fine for you but don't subject your dc to it. Imagine they tell school he is a junkie.... Is he really worth losing your dc over?

Ihaveoflate · 25/10/2021 13:19

There would be no decision to make for me. I'd protect my children every single time.

IsSpringSprangedYet · 25/10/2021 13:20

Can you blame them for not wanting him back?? Please think of them first.

Bananarama21 · 25/10/2021 13:20

Surely you shouldn't need to ask put your kids first.

Comedycook · 25/10/2021 13:21

Your kids sound much wiser than you. Don't let him back...why would you want to subject your children to living with a violent man they're scared of? You surely can't be that desperate for a bit of male company??

Name99 · 25/10/2021 13:21

Prioritise your children.
SS will advise you the same I presume they are involved
They should be

Opentooffers · 25/10/2021 13:27

Keep him out, your DC's wishes trump yours and you could lose them. It's sad that you need to ask at all.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:28

@Name99

Prioritise your children. SS will advise you the same I presume they are involved They should be
No SS are not involved. I just think the reason that he was violent was because of the drugs. I don't think he's going to be that way now that he's clean. So I really shouldn't even give him a chance?
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:29

@Opentooffers

Keep him out, your DC's wishes trump yours and you could lose them. It's sad that you need to ask at all.
I understand where you're coming from. I just wanted others opinions.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 25/10/2021 13:30

I don't think you should give him a chance. Put your dc first. Don't force then to live with someone they're scared of...that would be extremely cruel and irresponsible

Name99 · 25/10/2021 13:30

No and I say that as an addict in recovery.
4 months is nothing.
Listen to your children why would you put this relationship over your kids wishes
Why?

Ivyr0se · 25/10/2021 13:31

No don't give him a chance.
The first year of his sobriety he shouldn't be in a relationship in any way.
Put your kids first.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 25/10/2021 13:32

I'd be worried about losing my kids to be honest 🙁. Why do you want him back?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:32

@Comedycook

I don't think you should give him a chance. Put your dc first. Don't force then to live with someone they're scared of...that would be extremely cruel and irresponsible
They're only at my house for a week at a time. Otherwise, they are with their father. They are 16 and 13.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:33

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I'd be worried about losing my kids to be honest 🙁. Why do you want him back?
I just want to give him a chance and see if things can be better now that he's off the drugs.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 25/10/2021 13:35

They're only at my house for a week at a time. Otherwise, they are with their father. They are 16 and 13

So they'll be living in fear 50% of the time then? Still not ok.

Immaculatemisconception · 25/10/2021 13:36

Put your kids first. End of.

Name99 · 25/10/2021 13:38

And while you are waiting to see if he's better (walking on eggshells )
Your kids are too, even though they've told you their feelings.
Be a better mum than this and put them 1st

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 13:38

And if you let your husband back into the house, despite the fact your children have clearly said that they don't want to live with him, how are you going to feel if they decide to live permanently with their Dad?

I have to wonder why you are asking whether you should prioritise your children or not, seems really odd. Why on earth wouldn't you prioritise them in this situation? Aren't you concerned about them feeling safe and happy in their home with you?