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Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/10/2021 20:11

Are you that desperate for a man?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:36

@Daleksatemyshed

He says you shouldn't let your kids ruin your life? Can you not see that he doesn't care for your DC and just wants his own way, so much easier for him to come back to you and talk you round than go out on his own and face his own problems. I'm afraid 4 months is not nearly enough time for an addict to say they're clean. I'm sure he's used to manipulating and guilt tripping you, please don't let him
Yep!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:39

@WonderfulYou

Does their dad know what a violent man their step dad is?

If he’s got his head screwed on he’ll be having them full time if you even consider having him back under their roof.

OP knows the kids won’t see her if she takes him back essentially giving their dad full custody, yet OP is still asking the question so I doubt she would mind if her ex goes for full custody. It would probably make her decision a lot easier too.

Yes he knows.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:42

@Monr0e

How soon after dating him did he move in? How long have you known he was a drug user and when did he start being violent?

You should be running a mile from him for your own sake as well as for the kids. It's ridiculous you haven't even broken up with him after his violence and the fact he has terrified your dc's.

He loved in after about 3 months of dating. We married after we had been together for a year. I just found out about a month and a half ago that he was on drugs. He broke into my house and I called the cops and they found meth in his car. He told me he's been using basically the whole 4 years we've been together.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:43

@TeeBee

I do hope your children report this at school. You're choosing not to protect them from the violent drug addict you've brought into their lives.
Report what?? I haven't had him around my kids in about 5 months!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:45

@Alwayswantedasmegf

I don't want to derail your thread OP. So dont even answer this one... I suspect there's a back story as to why you only have your children for one week at a time at your house.

Build the relationship with your children. I think it's unusual SS haven't got involved.

Don't the children report back to their dad? I'm sorry but if I was the dad I would report you.

You seem blinkered Blush

A story?? I have my kids a week and their dad has them a week....it's joint custody...duh!!!
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 20:46

I used to work in rehab.

Most people relapse

He will have been told not to enter a relationship for at least a year in recovery. If he is, he's already on Relapse Road.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:47

@MrsTerryPratchett

I used to work in rehab.

Most people relapse

He will have been told not to enter a relationship for at least a year in recovery. If he is, he's already on Relapse Road.

He's not entering a relationship, we are married.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 20:48

Which should be on hold (actually ended) when he behaved how he did.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:49

@MrsTerryPratchett

Which should be on hold (actually ended) when he behaved how he did.
It is on hold. We've been separated for 5 months.
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 20:51

Then see my original point Hmm

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:52

@MrsTerryPratchett

Then see my original point Hmm
It is on hold but we are still married...so he's not "entering" a relationship.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 20:53

You moved him in after three months originally? Wow.

It's time to put your children first OP. They've been let down enough.

Stop causing them further trauma.

Imagine being one of your kids. Imagine how it feels being scared of your mum moving back in a man who is violent and scary and was on drugs the entire time he lived with you.

Would you ever trust your mum again if she moved him back in? Would you feel she had your best interests at heart? That she loved you more than the man in question? I wouldn't.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 20:53

He doesn't need denial while you are hogging it all.

Thatsplentyjack · 25/10/2021 20:53

You moved him in after 3 months and married him within a year. Fucking hell, your poor kids! Having to live through all that must have been shit, but now their mother is closing him over them. Wow! You don't even seem phased by it. You seem to have already decided he is moving back in. You've made your choice, quite clearly.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:55

@Thatsplentyjack

You moved him in after 3 months and married him within a year. Fucking hell, your poor kids! Having to live through all that must have been shit, but now their mother is closing him over them. Wow! You don't even seem phased by it. You seem to have already decided he is moving back in. You've made your choice, quite clearly.
I have not decided he is moving back in. I know if he does, it will be a long time. After hearing from all of you, I'm really considering ending it.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 20:56

Who do you love more OP - him or your kids? It's that simple now really.

pointythings · 25/10/2021 20:56

He was probably using before you got together too.

Honestly, you don't need this man back. You need a divorce and you need some counselling to work on your self esteem so that you don't pick another addict for a partner. And you need to put your DC first.

I do think it's brave of you to come back, these responses must be difficult reading for you. They do however come from a place of experience - many of the people on here have been where you are now, myself included.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Who do you love more OP - him or your kids? It's that simple now really.
My kids of course!!
OP posts:
Alwayswantedasmegf · 25/10/2021 20:58

How long has your husband been taking drugs for?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:58

@pointythings

He was probably using before you got together too.

Honestly, you don't need this man back. You need a divorce and you need some counselling to work on your self esteem so that you don't pick another addict for a partner. And you need to put your DC first.

I do think it's brave of you to come back, these responses must be difficult reading for you. They do however come from a place of experience - many of the people on here have been where you are now, myself included.

Yea it is hard reading some of these.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 20:59

@Alwayswantedasmegf

How long has your husband been taking drugs for?
I found out since he was 16.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 21:01

Well if you love your kids more, end your relationship with a man they are scared of.

Imagine being one of your kids. Imagine how it feels being scared of your mum moving back in a man who is violent and scary and was on drugs the entire time he lived with you.

Would you ever trust your mum again if she moved him back in? Would you feel she had your best interests at heart? That she loved you more than the man in question? I wouldn't.

Yahyahs22 · 25/10/2021 21:04

Of course give him another chance, everyone deserves a chance to change. I personally would wait a bit longer, for you and your kids to see real improvements. Do meals out, family days out etc and ease them into it. But yes, is he proves himself, 1000% give him a chance. He was an addict, addicts can get clean and turn their lives around, I've seen it happen.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 25/10/2021 21:06

Sometimes I just don't know what to do and he tells me I shouldn't let my kids run my life
Of course he does. He’s a manipulative addict. Was entering rehab a condition of his release?

OP, in the nicest possible way it sounds like you could do with spending some time on your own self esteem. The fact you’re confused about this and didn’t realise he was an addict throughout your relationship, is slightly concerning.

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