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Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 14:21

@WonderfulYou

If he was violent (regardless of whether it was towards you or not) why do YOU want him back?

Why would your children saying they don’t want you to be with him because of his behaviour but enough?

They care for you and he doesn’t. Why even risk loosing the ones that care about you over someone who doesn’t care how his actions might affect you?

How long have you been with him?

I've been with him for almost 4 years.
OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 25/10/2021 14:21

How is this even a question? Put your dc first. If you want to continue the relationship (drugs is a dealbreaker for me but you have a different threshold) then see him outside your home and away from dc. Your dc should feel that their home is their safe place and it’s your job to ensure this. You’ve unfortunately failed once but so long as you learn from that then fine. You sound very naive though.

StormyTeacups · 25/10/2021 14:23

Show your children that you have standards.

audweb · 25/10/2021 14:24

Oh god put your kids first. They don’t deserve to live with someone half the time that they are afraid of. In fact they’re getting old enough to vote with their feet, so maybe prioritise your children over your relationship.

(I am a single mother there’s no way I’d let anyone violent live with my child)

Chewieboora · 25/10/2021 14:25

I think it was the drugs that made him act that way...no?

Who cares, he still did it? Why is this even a question? Do you not care about the impact on your kids?

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 14:28

I think it was the drugs that made him act that way...no?

The drugs would have enhanced his behaviour but I know plenty of people addicted to drugs or alcohol who have never been violent.

Do you honestly think he will never touch drugs again?
Do you want to spend your life worrying about where he is and hoping he doesn’t lose his job or someone dies which pushes him back onto drugs?

If it was just you and him I’d say it’s your own life you can do what you want. But the reality is when you become a parent you often have to make different choices.

You could be with him but not around the children but I actually think you deserve a clean break yourself and actually find someone who treats you well.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 14:29

Show your children that you have standards.

I agree.

You are showing them what is acceptable in a relationship.
Show them that partners are meant to love and respect each other else they will end up in bad relationships too.

NowEvenBetter · 25/10/2021 14:32

OP when you name change, your posts are no longer highlighted.

It’s absolutely indefensible that you’re considering forcing this scumbag into your kids lives. Can they go and live somewhere better?

Cas112 · 25/10/2021 14:34

You should wait at least 12 month, then let your children start mending a relationship with him if they want to and THEN with discussion of your children start preparing for him to move back in.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:39

The fact you're even considering this is scary and suggests to me that maybe your children should stay with dad full time.

LoekMa · 25/10/2021 14:41

Can't they petition to be at their fathers 100% of the time and you go visit them? That way they wont have to live in fear kn what is supposed to be a safe space, God knows what kind of long term mental damage that might cause. I am sure given your partners backstory their father and the courts would be inclined to agree

Shuffleuplove · 25/10/2021 14:46

Are you mad?

He chose to take the drugs. Are you a user too? You seem incredibly tolerant of them.

name532 · 25/10/2021 14:46

Can they go live with their dad? It sounds like that might be the best option if you're asking whether you should move a violent drug addict back in.

beautifulview · 25/10/2021 14:51

He’d need to be off the drugs for at least a year before I’d even consider it. He’d have to get through Xmas, his birthday, a wedding, summer festivals and still be clean. He hasn’t been tested and passed yet. What big test has he faced? What stressful situation? He still has to prove himself

NowEvenBetter · 25/10/2021 14:52

What a huge failing (as a parent) of agencies involved to not have OP and her disgusting choice of male flagged up and the kids protected. Grim.

PinkSyCo · 25/10/2021 14:58

You put your kids before any man is what you do. Poor things must be so worried about what they’re going to be subjected to next. Reassure them that your husband will not be moving back in until he has been clean for at least 2 years.

GertietheGherkin · 25/10/2021 15:07

4 months is no time at all with regards to any kind of rehabilitation.

Do the decent thing and let your children go to live with their dad full time, it's obvious you're going to let your husband back home... You seem to have no idea the impact he's had on your childrens' lives... Him telling you not to let your children rule your life, speaks volumes. He doesn't give a crap about their well-being. It's all about him!

The fact that you even need to ask shows your loyalties to your children are very misplaced.

Your children should always come first.

thetesdybears · 25/10/2021 15:10

Kids come first, u can't have him back. If I were the child, I'd always remember it and feel my mum had chosen a man over me.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 15:11

@Shuffleuplove

Are you mad?

He chose to take the drugs. Are you a user too? You seem incredibly tolerant of them.

No, I am not a user!! I am just trying to give him a chance and I appreciate your feedback. I think I'm going to wait at least a year before considering moving him back in. That was a good idea.
OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 25/10/2021 15:14

@User527294627

It’s not a big decision. It’s really straightforward. Don’t bring a violent, barely rehabilitated drug addict back into a house with kids who don’t want him there.
This! It’s not difficult. Put your children first.
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 25/10/2021 15:14

If you want to see him m, then you see him on the days your dc aren't at home. I'd not have him living with you, in your home, until the dc are adults. For one their needs trump yours where this is concerned, secondly this gives him plenty of time to prove to you that he's off the drugs for good. If he genuinely wants to be with you, he will understand your reasons for needing it to be this way and agree to them.

candlelightsatdawn · 25/10/2021 15:14

The problems re him throwing things and thinking it's ok to scare people ect wasn't down to his drug issues. It was down to him thinking on some level it's ok and using the drugs as a excuse

Plenty of addicts don't throw things or act in a abusive manner, they only act in a abusive way to themselves.

You have to separate the addiction from the behaviours or you may find those issues are still there post addiction.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 25/10/2021 15:15

The kids are 16 and 13 and they have another parent who is presumably happy to have them living with him.

If you let your ex back there is a very good chance that they will vote with their feet and move in wi the their dad permanently.

You have to choose.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/10/2021 15:18

Looks like the kids' df is going to have them ft from now on, doesn't it? You don't deserve kids.

NotMyDayJob · 25/10/2021 15:19

Listen. To. Your. Children. And. Put. Them. First.

I can't believe you even need to ask.