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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 21:07

@Yahyahs22

Of course give him another chance, everyone deserves a chance to change. I personally would wait a bit longer, for you and your kids to see real improvements. Do meals out, family days out etc and ease them into it. But yes, is he proves himself, 1000% give him a chance. He was an addict, addicts can get clean and turn their lives around, I've seen it happen.
@Yahyahs22 so she should give him another chance at the expense of her kids, who have clearly said they don't want him back in the house? Confused
Yahyahs22 · 25/10/2021 21:07

Okay I've just read more, shouldve done that before I responded really. It looks like you may have rushed it. I still would give him enough time to prove himself, maybe a year clean? Then slowly introduce him back into the family if you are certain he's a changed man. Drugs have an awful hold on people, and if he's been using since he was 16, it is not going to be an easy one to break at all. Your kids safety is paramount

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 21:07

Youve made some really poor decisions already. Moving someone in to your children’s home after you knew him three months is absolutely appalling. Marrying a meth addict within a year of knowing them is a very poor decision.

He should not be considering a relationship now.
You should not be considering having him back ever.

Did he move from his mum’s house to yours originally?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:09

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Youve made some really poor decisions already. Moving someone in to your children’s home after you knew him three months is absolutely appalling. Marrying a meth addict within a year of knowing them is a very poor decision.

He should not be considering a relationship now.
You should not be considering having him back ever.

Did he move from his mum’s house to yours originally?

Yes he did. Now he's back living with her.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:16

@CyclingIsNotOuting

Sometimes I just don't know what to do and he tells me I shouldn't let my kids run my life Of course he does. He’s a manipulative addict. Was entering rehab a condition of his release?

OP, in the nicest possible way it sounds like you could do with spending some time on your own self esteem. The fact you’re confused about this and didn’t realise he was an addict throughout your relationship, is slightly concerning.

Entering rehab was suggested to him because of the charges when he broke into my house. I also had a restraining order on him at the time.
OP posts:
ReiltinDubh · 25/10/2021 21:17

4 months is nothing in recovery. The fact that he's even saying that you shouldn't let your kids run your life means he is not in recovery - just paying lip service.
Honestly think, how could you possibly reintegrate this man back into your lives, after what's he's done. Never minding the potential for relapse which will always, always be there.
Have you been offered any support yourself by his rehab centre? If not, can you get to any of the online groups like al-anon or na-anon? You will need to start your own recovery from his addiction in order to be able to see this situation clearly.

Bananalanacake · 25/10/2021 21:17

I think we should go easy on the op, she's actually said he will be living with his mum and likely not with the op again.

MrsDSalvatore · 25/10/2021 21:19

Urgh honestly, anyone who puts a man before their kids make my blood boil.
Seriously, let your kids live full time with their dad, they deserve a parent who will put their needs before their own and those of a violent drug addict.
My mum constantly put men before her kids, still to this day puts her own needs above all else. I have so much anger and resentment towards her and can't stand to be around her, I will never forgive her.. Carry on the way you're going and welcome to your future.

specialsauce · 25/10/2021 21:19

"he tells me I shouldn't let my kids ruin my life'

. . . erm, hang on a minute - didnt he already do that all by himself?

Your children have been through enough. So have you. Take a deep breath, turn the page to a new part of your life. Your children will benefit hugely in a thousand ways from being put first and valued. Sadly addiction doesnt end very easily and this could go on for another 20 years.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:23

@specialsauce

"he tells me I shouldn't let my kids ruin my life'

. . . erm, hang on a minute - didnt he already do that all by himself?

Your children have been through enough. So have you. Take a deep breath, turn the page to a new part of your life. Your children will benefit hugely in a thousand ways from being put first and valued. Sadly addiction doesnt end very easily and this could go on for another 20 years.

"Run my life", not "ruin my life"
OP posts:
Comedycook · 25/10/2021 21:24

he tells me I shouldn't let my kids ruin my life

Manipulative bastard

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:25

@Comedycook

he tells me I shouldn't let my kids ruin my life

Manipulative bastard

I'm sorry, that should have been "run my life", not "ruin". He says we are the adults so we get to make the choices.
OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 21:27

He says we are the adults so we get to make the choices.
He isnt adulting well enough to be having a say in any decision you make for your family.

Does he have children of his own?

Comedycook · 25/10/2021 21:28

Well I still think he sounds manipulative. Your kids sound smart though.

mbosnz · 25/10/2021 21:29

As the adults, we have the responsibility to make the choices in our children's best interests. Your husband is a violent recovering addict, that you've taken a restraining order out on, after he broke into your house.

Could you please explain why you think it would be in your children's - not yours, not your recovering addict of a husband who has allegedly been clean for a whole four months, interests to have this violent person who they have good reason to loathe, back into their lives?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/10/2021 21:29

Did he move from his mum’s house to yours originally?
Yes he did. Now he's back living with her.

Has he every lived on his own? Paid his own bills? Organised his own life?

Does he work?
Do you work?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:30

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

He says we are the adults so we get to make the choices. He isnt adulting well enough to be having a say in any decision you make for your family.

Does he have children of his own?

No he does not.
OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 25/10/2021 21:31

My kids would come first.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 25/10/2021 21:32

OP he is not in the right mind frame. He is your husband but unfortunately he cannot give you any good advice.

Your updates get worse and worse.

He will tell you what you want to hear and make you many promises. Bottom line is he is an addict and this is his number 1 priority

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 21:33

@mbosnz

As the adults, we have the responsibility to make the choices in our children's best interests. Your husband is a violent recovering addict, that you've taken a restraining order out on, after he broke into your house.

Could you please explain why you think it would be in your children's - not yours, not your recovering addict of a husband who has allegedly been clean for a whole four months, interests to have this violent person who they have good reason to loathe, back into their lives?

He's actually only been clean for like 2 months. I don't know where the 4 months came from.
OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 25/10/2021 21:33

Why don't you put your poor children first?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 21:34

He says we are the adults so we get to make the choices.

Make better ones.

Make ones that won't make your children lose respect for you and trust in you.

Make ones that won't make your children know they aren't your priority.

Make ones that won't make your children scared in their own home.

Make ones that won't tell them they come second after a man who was a stranger when you moved him in after three months, married him within a year and had to get a restraining order on because he was a violent drug addict.

Grow the fuck up, to be honest.

They must feel so let down. Start building bridges and stop letting them down.

lynntheyresexpeople · 25/10/2021 21:34

You moved a man you barely knew into the home you share with your children after 3 months - this in itself is awful.
This shouldn't even be a question, if you allow him back, you are neglecting your children.
In the future for the love of god, don't introduce anyone to your children so soon.

Comedycook · 25/10/2021 21:36

To be honest, I'm of the school of thought that says no second chances once there's been violence...I don't care what the reason is.

user1471442488 · 25/10/2021 21:36

Fucking hell. How are you even questioning this? Put your children first. Ffs how many times do women come in here desperate to keep shitty abusive men in their poor children lives.

If you take him back then you are a shit mother who puts her sex life before her children. Choose to be that, or don’t…..