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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Crocadoodledoo · 25/10/2021 13:39

I’m not seeing the ‘big decision’ here, OP. Don’t mess with your kids’ well-being to keep this man happy.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/10/2021 13:39

Oh well in this case if their dad is agreeable to 100% residence then yeah pack them off safely first, then pursue your claim of Tru Luv with your fave smack head.

QforCucumber · 25/10/2021 13:39

So I really shouldn't even give him a chance?

You gave him a chance, he was violent and punched a hole in your wall. He scared your children. Why is their fear not forefront in your mind?

My ex did this once, he may have done it again - I don't know I never saw him again. I was of the assumption that one day it would be me, no thanks.

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 13:40

Ok

  1. 4 months is no time at all
2 your children come first

Why can’t he live elsewhere and you see him away from the h9me for a while to really make sure he is off the drugs

But the key thing is

Your children come first

Lbnc2021 · 25/10/2021 13:40

Does he have a golden cock or something?

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 25/10/2021 13:40

Let me rephrase that "my violent drug taking husband scared my children, destroyed things in the home and now I want him to come back in" can you not see how bad this sounds?

It doesn't matter how often your children stay at the house, your children shouldn't be around that sort of person. Also 4 months is no time at all - there's no way of knowing if he is off drugs and out of the addictive cycle.

Your husband (should be ex!) needs to set himself up in a separate household and prove he's changed over a longer period of time, and your children should have a safe drug free home to live in with a mother who prioritises their well-being.

Hen2018 · 25/10/2021 13:41

Don’t have him back.

Hopefully your children will tell someone else and SS will get involved.

ErickBroch · 25/10/2021 13:41

Put your kids before your boyfriend. If you don't, don't expect much of a relationship in the future. They won't forget that.

mumonthehill · 25/10/2021 13:42

You need to understand addiction and 4 months is very very early days. Put your children first.

samwitwicky · 25/10/2021 13:44

This isn't a big decision. Your kids should come first.

Four months off drugs is not a long enough time for you to gauge whether anything has changed. If he really wants to prove it, leave him where he is and let him show it.

And keep your kids away from him.

BarbedButterfly · 25/10/2021 13:44

Well at 16 and 13 I am guessing if you have him back then your kids just won't come to your house anymore. 4 months isn't long enough.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:45

@Chloemol

Ok
  1. 4 months is no time at all
2 your children come first

Why can’t he live elsewhere and you see him away from the h9me for a while to really make sure he is off the drugs

But the key thing is

Your children come first

Yea, he's going to be living with him mom for a while. I'm not bringing him back in my home yet....if at all.
OP posts:
dottiedodah · 25/10/2021 13:46

This is unbelievable! Just come off a thread saying being abrupt and having a home needing redecoration constitutes "mild abuse" Surely having DC scared of a drug Addict is a serious abuse! Pleas do yourself and DC a favour and dump ASAP!

YellowMonday · 25/10/2021 13:47

Expect your kids to not come back to your house and stay at their dads.

As many have mentioned, 4 months sober is nothing. Drug addict with violent behaviours - do you really want him in your life? If it's yes, he needs to rebuild his life without living with you and your children.

A significant amount of trust needs to be developed.

Your kids need to be onboard before any future changes.

nimbuscloud · 25/10/2021 13:48

What age are your children?

ChinstrapBobblehat · 25/10/2021 13:49

You know fine well the answer to this and you’re just on here looking for permission to do the thing you want to do, but know you shouldn’t.

Nobody is going to tell you to let him to move back in.

Prioritise your children. Allow them to feel safe in their own home. Why would you even consider the alternative?

nimbuscloud · 25/10/2021 13:49

Sorry - I see you say they are 16 and 13. Old enough to make their own decision about who they live with.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:54

@ChinstrapBobblehat

You know fine well the answer to this and you’re just on here looking for permission to do the thing you want to do, but know you shouldn’t.

Nobody is going to tell you to let him to move back in.

Prioritise your children. Allow them to feel safe in their own home. Why would you even consider the alternative?

You're probably right. I do know the answer. I just wanted to see if I was alone in my thoughts. Sometimes I just don't know what to do and he tells me I shouldn't let my kids run my life.
OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 25/10/2021 13:56

You're going to lose your kids if you choose this man over them. I'm sure you love him and he's really sorry, but that's not enough. He is a violent drug addict. He'd need to be clean for a lot longer than 4 months before being allowed back into my life, and it would be away from the family home.

User527294627 · 25/10/2021 14:08

It’s not a big decision. It’s really straightforward. Don’t bring a violent, barely rehabilitated drug addict back into a house with kids who don’t want him there.

AndTime · 25/10/2021 14:08

absolutely do not bring him back into your home. Show your kids their safety is your number one priority.

I would recommend cutting all ties but if you insist you need to see him it sounds like you can do so every other week which is a very good compromise under the circumstances.

CagneyNYPD1 · 25/10/2021 14:14

So your dc are with you 50% of the time. If I was their other parent and knew what had been going on, I would be making it clear that the children would be staying at my house 100% of the time. Your dc are old enough to choose this.

So the choice is yours. Him or your dc.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 14:16

If he was violent (regardless of whether it was towards you or not) why do YOU want him back?

Why would your children saying they don’t want you to be with him because of his behaviour but enough?

They care for you and he doesn’t. Why even risk loosing the ones that care about you over someone who doesn’t care how his actions might affect you?

How long have you been with him?

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 14:17

@Chewieboora

Why is it a big decision? Dont allow a violent addict in your home. Pretty obvious. You put your children and their well-being first.
This.
Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 14:21

@WonderfulYou

If he was violent (regardless of whether it was towards you or not) why do YOU want him back?

Why would your children saying they don’t want you to be with him because of his behaviour but enough?

They care for you and he doesn’t. Why even risk loosing the ones that care about you over someone who doesn’t care how his actions might affect you?

How long have you been with him?

I think it was the drugs that made him act that way...no?
OP posts: