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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Climbles · 10/04/2023 19:57

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 14:21

@WonderfulYou

If he was violent (regardless of whether it was towards you or not) why do YOU want him back?

Why would your children saying they don’t want you to be with him because of his behaviour but enough?

They care for you and he doesn’t. Why even risk loosing the ones that care about you over someone who doesn’t care how his actions might affect you?

How long have you been with him?

I think it was the drugs that made him act that way...no?

I’ve done a lot of drugs in my time and I never acted violently, not even once. Don’t let him back, he has shown you who he is.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/04/2023 07:53

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 19:46

Yeah but you know he's a narcissistic and master manipulater and it's all bullshit and you know that he will fuck your life up. You know all this. Change your number, move, or simply just stop. It is that easy. You know why your doing it so just stop. Or own that you want to be with him and be honest with your kids. It's one or the other.

This, op.

he isnt manipulating you. You KNOW he is abusive. You KNOW your kids hate him. You KNOW he is a drug addict. You are freely making this choice to continually put him before yourself and your children.

think carefully about your reasoning, that you felt ignored as a child and he gives you attention. And remember that. Now think about what your children are learning from you. Their mother chose a drug addict abuser repeatedly over them. Who will they think is good enough for them when they are adults? What scum will they think is a step up from their childhood?

billy1966 · 11/04/2023 09:51

What a life you have inflicted on your children.

I am glad to read they stay away from you and won't allow you near their children.

You have put a dreadful drug addict ahead of them.

You deserve completely the consequences of your awful decisions.

Your children will carry the scars of you putting men ahead of them for the rest of their lives.

If your children were important to you, you wouldn't have looked twice at him again after finding out you had brought a drug addicted loser into their lives.

You have 100% chosen him over them.
Don't kid yourself otherwise.

Thank goodness they have the sense to stay far away from you and your choices.

layladomino · 11/04/2023 12:49

Hi @mommy1977 I just read your latest post.

He isn't 'obsessed' with you at - he's obsessed with being in control and getting his own way (and you were probably handy for housework too). That sounds cruel, but you do know he doesn't love you don't you? Someone who loved you wouldn't treat you as he treats you.

You are risking losing your children / GC FOREVER. Just speaking to this man risks that. Yet you're still doing it.

It's really straightforward - block him. Ignore him. If he tells you he's suicidal report to Police and leave it there. Not your problem. He's only trying to get your attention anyway, and you feel for it. It was just another way of him manipulating you.

It's your choice - your children v the vile, abusive, uncaring, controlling drug addict.

thecatsmeows · 11/04/2023 23:28

I don't understand? I'm 55 and my mother is a narcissist...I've had 55 YEARS of dealing with her narcissistic shit. She threw me and my two brothers under the bus, ruined our childhood because her marriage meant more to her than the happiness/welfare of her 3 children. Came back to bite her in the ass though, when 6 months after my younger brother turned 18 he left her for another woman...zero fucking sympathy here.

You reap what you sow.

QueenCamilla · 12/04/2023 00:51

You were giving him so many "chances" that you run out of your own.

I bet you're on the gear too. The druggies usually require other druggies around.

It's time to move the counselling onto the next generation - the children and grandchildren who will all require guidance and support no doubt, including advice on how to distance themselves from OP whilst preserving at least a shred of mental wellness.

He's a "master manipulator" - my arse he is! A bottom-feeding simpleton junkie ain't a Master of anything. Why doesn't he Manipulate his riddled corpse out of the gutter then?!

Good luck to the kids, I hope they have innate strength, bright spirits and desire to achieve better for themselves.

emptythelitterbox · 12/04/2023 02:13

You said you were going to change your number.

Did you do it?

gamerchick · 12/04/2023 09:09

I bet you're on the gear too. The druggies usually require other druggies around

I'd put money on there being a chunk of story missing.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 14/04/2023 02:07

I am not nor have I EVER been on drugs! The only drug I’ve ever done in my life was weed in high school and I honestly only did it once. I hated the way it made me feel and I haven’t done it or anything else since.

Yes, I changed my number.

Nope, I think I’ve put details of almost my whole marriage on here.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 14/04/2023 03:42

So what are you going to do?

Let this good for nothing pos move back in and continue to ruin you and the kids lives or are you going to do right by your kids and divorce him and be rid of him once and for all.

Whichwitchhasanitch · 14/04/2023 04:08

Well done for changing your number and as you recognise he’s a master manipulator show yourself that you are strong enough to maintain “no contact” going forward.

Unfortunately, it’s not just your phone number you have to change. All social media platforms and email addresses too.

It’s also unfortunate you chose him over your children.
They will feel betrayed and will have lost your trust, possibly forever.

Whichwitchhasanitch · 14/04/2023 04:10

Divorcing him might show your children you are serious about getting him out of your life

TheAustralian · 14/04/2023 05:23

So what’s the update?

This is better than Days of our Lives, certainly more drama

did you finally put your children first?
did you go back?
have your children blocked you from their lives yet?

we need updates

Haffiana · 14/04/2023 09:50

Y’all just don’t understand what kind of man he really is. He is a narcissist and a master manipulator and he is VERY good at it.

This is like a child whining "He made me do it".

As long as you take no responsibility for your own actions nothing will change. You have children. You need to be an adult now.

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