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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 25/10/2021 15:20

Jesus wept.

TwilightSkies · 25/10/2021 15:30

I really hope your kids are ok. How traumatic for them to have to live with a violent addict. I’m sure they were so relieved when he went. Able to feel safe in their own home.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 15:32

I think I'm going to wait at least a year before considering moving him back in.

I think you should wait at least 5. Don't allow him to be in a house with your children.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 15:43

@Dillydollydingdong

Looks like the kids' df is going to have them ft from now on, doesn't it? You don't deserve kids.
"I don't deserve kids"??? Seriously?? That's mean and very rude!!
OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 25/10/2021 16:09

He says you shouldn't let your kids ruin your life? Can you not see that he doesn't care for your DC and just wants his own way, so much easier for him to come back to you and talk you round than go out on his own and face his own problems. I'm afraid 4 months is not nearly enough time for an addict to say they're clean. I'm sure he's used to manipulating and guilt tripping you, please don't let him

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 16:14

Does their dad know what a violent man their step dad is?

If he’s got his head screwed on he’ll be having them full time if you even consider having him back under their roof.

Lynne1Cat · 25/10/2021 16:14

I'd put the feelings of my kids before any man. They don't like him and he scared them. If it were me, that'd be enough reason to not have him back.

pointythings · 25/10/2021 16:15

I doubt that a year is going to be enough - I'd want at least 2 years fully sober, attending meetings and maintaining sobriety, and working through the reasons why he used drugs and was violent in counselling. During that time he would not be living in your house.

I suspect he will fail to achieve sobriety for any significant length of time in any case.

And as a parent you should always, always, always put your DC first. Have you had any specialist counselling or support for relatives of addicts yourself? This is work you absolutely should do because you sound as if you are still fully co-dependent.

lisaandalan · 25/10/2021 16:53

I can't believe you have to even ask the question. This must be a joke.
If it isn't put your kids first and start thinking with your brain before you lose your kids.
I can't believe how thick some women can be when it comes to men.
To even contemplate having a man who takes drugs around their kids and he isn't even their father.
God give me strength.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 17:03

Does their dad know what a violent man their step dad is?

If he’s got his head screwed on he’ll be having them full time if you even consider having him back under their roof.

OP knows the kids won’t see her if she takes him back essentially giving their dad full custody, yet OP is still asking the question so I doubt she would mind if her ex goes for full custody. It would probably make her decision a lot easier too.

Bonbon21 · 25/10/2021 17:03

I understand you want to give this man a second chance now he is clean.
I don't understand why you would prioritise him over your kids.
There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Your kids are for life.

brittleheadgirl · 25/10/2021 17:32

If he's worth it, he'd put your kids first. Does he know how they feel? That they're scared of him.
Him saying 'don't let your kids run your life' is very concerning. He clearly doesn't give a shit about them and they deserve better op.

GlamorousHeifer · 25/10/2021 18:14

I never ever understand these threads, seriously OP do you live under a rock?
Do you actually think you will get posters on here advising you to move your violent addict husband back home with your kids as soon as possible?
Just give your head a wobble.

Monr0e · 25/10/2021 18:24

How soon after dating him did he move in?
How long have you known he was a drug user and when did he start being violent?

You should be running a mile from him for your own sake as well as for the kids. It's ridiculous you haven't even broken up with him after his violence and the fact he has terrified your dc's.

mbosnz · 25/10/2021 18:29

I don't think your kids should be forced to give him another chance.

Bookworm20 · 25/10/2021 19:16

He says don’t let your kids run your life?
Is the best he’s got? What about not having your kids live with a violent drug addict?
Your kids aren’t running your life OP, they are just telling you they don’t want to live with this violent man.

He made the choice to take drugs and be violent. What happens a few months or even a year down the line when life gets a bit tough again? You think he won’t resort back to the drugs?

Put your kids first. You second. And him way at the bottom of the list.
You and your kids deserve much better.

mandajmo · 25/10/2021 19:18

I'm with your kids. He needs to be clean for years not months.

TeeBee · 25/10/2021 19:19

I do hope your children report this at school. You're choosing not to protect them from the violent drug addict you've brought into their lives.

saleorbouy · 25/10/2021 19:23

Your kids are thinking with their heads, you are thinking with your heart.
Why would they want to invite violence back into their home?

Onelifeonly · 25/10/2021 19:32

It's not the case with social services. I know a family where the dad has now been clean for some months (around 6 I think) and has now been allowed back home by ss. Children were on child protection.

Thatsplentyjack · 25/10/2021 19:37

No let's be honest, you won't wait a year before you move him back in. You are chosing a violent addict over your children. Disgusting! Hopefully their dad gives a fuck about them because clearly their mum doesn't.

Alwayswantedasmegf · 25/10/2021 19:44

I don't want to derail your thread OP. So dont even answer this one... I suspect there's a back story as to why you only have your children for one week at a time at your house.

Build the relationship with your children. I think it's unusual SS haven't got involved.

Don't the children report back to their dad? I'm sorry but if I was the dad I would report you.

You seem blinkered Blush

Youknownothingsnow · 25/10/2021 19:50

You shouldn’t let HIM run your life! If my husband to be said that about my daughter I’d drop him like a hot potato!! How dare he. Aside from the drug that would the end. It is there home not his.

Youknownothingsnow · 25/10/2021 19:50

*their home

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 20:02

Sometimes I just don't know what to do and he tells me I shouldn't let my kids run my life.

Funny that, eh? A man who was violent and scared your children shitless doesn't want you to listen to them and put them first.

Do you have any idea how damaging it is for your kids that you're even speaking to this man? Let alone considering getting back with him? And on top of that considering him moving back in?!

Have you even split up?

I just want to give him a chance and see if things can be better now that he's off the drugs.

How about you give THEM a chance and see if YOU can be better now you're off the druggie?

It is unthinkable to be considering moving this man back in.

He scared your children. They are scared of him. They have told you that.

Do you love him more than them? If so, let them live with their father full time and have your arsehole husband live with you, knowing your relationship with your kids will be damaged even further. If you love them more, wake up, grow up and make the decision to put them first now. Cut him off.