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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 15/05/2022 18:51

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2022 11:06

Just checking in. Have you spoken to your kids yet to say you're sorry for the past actions and to reassure and promise them them you will never, ever go back to him? I think it would be a healing thing to do and also make you feel accountable for sticking to that promise. Let us know how your first counselling session went if you'd like, it would be great to know you're taking positive steps - I'm really pleased you're going and have got a session booked now.

My first counseling session is not until this week but I will let you guys know how it goes.

OP posts:
Justanotherlittlename · 16/09/2022 14:40

@mommy1977 how are you op?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 02:36

Hey guys. Is anybody still following this?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 10/04/2023 02:40

mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 02:36

Hey guys. Is anybody still following this?

Im awake. How is it going?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 02:44

Not very good

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 10/04/2023 02:58

mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 02:44

Not very good

it has not even been a full year since you finally walked away from the meth addict who was abusing you and damaging your children. You were only starting counselling 11 months ago.

give yourself more time.

are you still having counselling? And how frequently? You do not want to stop without dealing with the issues that led you to staying with an abusive addict at the expense of your children and yourself.

barmycatmum · 10/04/2023 03:15

Hello OP, I’ve just read the thread. Here for you. Stay strong.

if you’re in the US, you can contact the police if he contacts you again, since presumably you have requested he not contact you again.

if you haven’t yet requested that, If you’re talking to him at ALL, just say:

do not contact me again via phone, email, mail, or in person, or I will notify the police.

don’t say anything more than that. Then block him on all avenues.

I have experience with this myself in the U.S.

it takes time to heal. Give yourself grace, and give yourself time.

your earlier replies sound like you were dissociated, so practice breathing and just noticing the here & now. If you no longer live with him, there are a few ways to make yourself feel safer.

when you can, write what isn’t good, because even though some people sound kind of harsh, EVERYONE on this thread is rooting for you to be free and start your life and healing. 💐

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 03:26

I actually have talked to him again. I had him blocked on everything and he started getting these fake numbers to contact me. He texted me one night and told me he had taken a bag of fentanyl and was trying to kill himself. It freaked me out so, like an idiot, I went and got him and took him to the hospital. He tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana. He went back to rehab and now says everybody should forgive him for everything because he was an addict and now he’s better. I don’t know how to get away from him. He will always find a way to contact me.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 10/04/2023 03:55

can you contact the police? This is ongoing harassment.

keep blocking him.

Change your number.

barmycatmum · 10/04/2023 06:01

mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 03:26

I actually have talked to him again. I had him blocked on everything and he started getting these fake numbers to contact me. He texted me one night and told me he had taken a bag of fentanyl and was trying to kill himself. It freaked me out so, like an idiot, I went and got him and took him to the hospital. He tested positive for meth, cocaine, and marijuana. He went back to rehab and now says everybody should forgive him for everything because he was an addict and now he’s better. I don’t know how to get away from him. He will always find a way to contact me.

tell him not to contact you or you will notify the police. Tell him you are going to them with a copy of this request, so it’s in their files.

once he has been warned, if he ever contacts you after that, send it directly to the police and they will go give him a talking to. That’s what I was told to do, and I am in the US.

it works completely on cowards like this. And believe me- bullies like him are cowards.

you need to be strong and do this for your own sake as well as your kids. This could escalate and get worse.

i don’t care what manipulative bs he says - harden your heart like you’re wearing a suit of armor and DO NOT SOFTEN for him ever again.

Thatnameistaken · 10/04/2023 06:19

You promised your children you'd never be involved with him again. If he contacts you again block and report to the police as others have said.

Chick3216 · 10/04/2023 06:24

You can do this! Xxxx

lilaco · 10/04/2023 11:02

Thatnameistaken · 10/04/2023 06:19

You promised your children you'd never be involved with him again. If he contacts you again block and report to the police as others have said.

This.

Your poor kids, they deserve better.

Dotty87 · 10/04/2023 13:02

This makes painful reading, block him and never talk again. If he somehow gets through, hang up, ignore, call an ambulance if you must, but don't get dragged into it. Let him overdose if that's what he wants to do but don't let him get you involved. I feel sorry for your kids, you have no real ties to this man just let him get on with his life it's nothing to do with you now.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 16:55

Thanks for the advice. I always seem to give in and let him make me think he’s right and my kids are wrong and they should forgive him. I want to add he has not been around my kids whatsoever but they did find out I had talked to him. They threatened that as long as I was talking to him they wanted nothing to do with me. This includes my 8 month old granddaughter. I’m afraid my kids will never forgive me. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ok.

OP posts:
thecatsmeows · 10/04/2023 17:41

Yeah don't really care whether you and druggy boy are 'ok' or not...you've both made your own cesspit, you can lie in it.

If your children have any sense they won't forgive you and won't come anywhere near you ever again. Hopefully druggy boy will get it right next time and permanently remove him from everyone's life.

ElleMD80 · 10/04/2023 17:45

Your children say ‘no’. It ends there. That is your answer. He could be on his way to be elected Pope, if your kids say ‘no’ then that is it. How many times do we see stories in the news where I am sure the kids wanted to say no and suffered for it? I know, you have a right to a life but until those kids are grown and making it on their own, that right is not automatic to claim.

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 17:52

Good for your kids. It's difficult to advise someone who seems determined to let an abusive drug user back into their life. Perhaps you can learn to come to terms with your children/grandchildren wanting no contact? Then you can be with him and he can't fuck it up anymore than it is?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 10/04/2023 17:53

mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 16:55

Thanks for the advice. I always seem to give in and let him make me think he’s right and my kids are wrong and they should forgive him. I want to add he has not been around my kids whatsoever but they did find out I had talked to him. They threatened that as long as I was talking to him they wanted nothing to do with me. This includes my 8 month old granddaughter. I’m afraid my kids will never forgive me. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ok.

Why can you just not talk to him?

you've been abused by him for years. You're out if it. Repeatedly. What is stopping you moving on with your life?

get back to counselling.
focus on your career.
fill your free time with hobbies.
get fit.
move.
change your phone number.

there are practical things you can do to make it harder for him to contact you. Changing your phone number being the absolute easiest.

if you fill your time with things that are designed to make you feel good, there will be no room for a drug addict abuser.

NowEvenBetter · 10/04/2023 17:56

Hopefully your kids will continue with their good decision making.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 18:01

I understand what you guys are saying and I have made a choice to not have contact with him. I am not determined to let him back into my life. He just keeps finding ways to contact me. I think changing my number is probably the best thing. I will do that today. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 10/04/2023 19:13

Your kids are right to stay away and certainly right not to let your DGC near you whilst you're in this relationship. That's the choice you've made over and over. Why on earth do you keep going back?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/04/2023 19:35

I’m still working on why I keep going back to him with my therapist. I believe it has to do with my childhood and not getting much attention and now here this man that is literally obsessed with me and it makes me feel wanted which is something I never really felt as a child. I understand that that shouldn’t matter when it comes to my kids but when he does get in contact with me, he’s so good at convincing me that our marriage is worth fighting for and my kids are wrong and he is right. Y’all just don’t understand what kind of man he really is. He is a narcissist and a master manipulator and he is VERY good at it.

OP posts:
Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 19:46

Yeah but you know he's a narcissistic and master manipulater and it's all bullshit and you know that he will fuck your life up. You know all this. Change your number, move, or simply just stop. It is that easy. You know why your doing it so just stop. Or own that you want to be with him and be honest with your kids. It's one or the other.

sweatervest · 10/04/2023 19:53

as i read somewhere on the internet - better to lose someone than to lose yourself.

and your kids HAVE to come first.