Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

I’m sorry your mother is ill. But why does the fact you’re arguing with your siblings mean that you have to cut them out of your life? Have you never argued before? Do you always cut people out if you argue with them?

This is a very stressful time for you. FWIW, when my mum was very ill was the only time I ever argued with my stepdad. Everyone was desperately upset and stressed and things occasionally got heated. It didn’t mean anything. We moved on. It’s not obvious from your post why you and your siblings can’t just do the same.

I think it's incredibly hard sometimes for adult siblings to get along when a parent is ill or dying. It's like the old childhood hurts and sibling rivalries burst through, but there are all these new pressures to deal with.

It's very tough.

Can you sleep on it, maybe? Take stock tomorrow?

As someone who has lost family members having not made up over our differences/arguments - I can only say - time is precious and life is short.

I don’t think it’s normal sibling relationship to have fallen out with each other, especially as your mother is ill. Usually these events unite the family.
I am sure all of you are wrong and right in many ways. But are you all really this proud and stubborn to not try to mend? Instead of crying and mourning your relationship.

Well we don't all deal with things in exactly the same way do we. This has been going on for months & I've not been crying the whole time, I'm crying tonight and was looking for some support.

No I've never cut anybody out of my life before.

Never mind.

People want to support you but agreeing that you have to cut out your entire family because you’ve been arguing isn’t really offering you support. It sounds like an extreme thing to do and there’s nothing in your post which explains why you think cutting everyone out is necessary. It’s completely fine not to give detail of course, but it does mean that people will tend to question why you need to cut everyone off just because of some arguing at a stressful time.

I’ll talk to you.

What caused the falling out? Was it one big argument or lots of little arguments?

Are your siblings speaking to each other?

But it’s very difficult and painful when a parent is ill. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

Dery I have to be vague. I thought if I said I have to accept it then people could help me with how to accept it, as that's the difficult part, not just tell me that i'm wrong because that's not what happened in their family.

My mum is with somebody who did something bad. He served his time, but I won't have my children around him. I will be around him (for my mum's sake) but my children, no.

My siblings decided to let their kids see him. Fine. I never questioned that.
But nobody has ever accepted my choice for my children. Every time there is a family meal or whatever it gets bought up 'Well YOU won't bring your kids will you FFS'. Kind of thing.

Anyway apparantly my mum is spending all her time slagging me off behind my back about this situation & now my sis is constantly messaging me being nasty to me about it.

Thank you Littlemisspiggy
It's been simmering under the surface I guess, it's turned into a huge thing because everybody else in the family is convinced that I'm wrong.

My mum can see my children whenever she likes, every day, 2, 3, 4 times a day if she wants to, but she doesn't. Then she tells everybody that I don't let her see them. He can't see them, but she can see them when she likes)

Yes they are talking to each other. My brother isn't saying much, just that he can't be bothered with me.

It sounds to me like you've done the right thing in protecting your kids from this man. That your mum and siblings can't accept your choice is because it makes them feel bad that they aren't doing the same, I think. But they can't say that out loud can they. Because then your mums partner will know how they really feel.
Yes I think you just have to accept it if you're going to continue to protect your kids.
It's hard I know from experience. You will go through a period of grieving almost. But it does get easier. It just takes time. Ultimately you need to do what's best for you and your children.

Sounds like such a tough situation. I'm sure you're doing the right thing keeping your kids away from him.

Something similar is going on with my family at the moment and it's incredibly distressing even when you know it's what you have to do.

Thank you 'itsNotNormal* I won't stop seeing my mum, it's my siblings. I do believe that she is saying things which I didn't realise she was doing, but I think she's got enough going on, she's allowed to be hurting about things (I mean, I wish she wouldn't, but I think I can accept that she is)
She denies saying anything.

almaonao I'm sorry you are going through similar. I'm here if you want to talk!
It's so hard isn't it.
My sis does that thing of sending 10 texts being nasty & then I eventually snap & answer back & she goes 'I can't deal with this, I've had a bad day' etc.

I hate that my mum has this going on as well as everything else.
I thought we were doing ok just not talking to each other, & then my sis bought it all up again.

Then I think all you can do is just be there for your mum and ignore your siblings. A useful thing someone once told me is "what other people think of you is actually none of your business ". I try really hard to remember this, and it helps.

Sounds like a nightmare but you’re definitely doing the right thing by protecting your kids.

TBH, I think it’s your mum that is stirring this all up: by slagging you off, and saying to others in the family that you don’t allow her to see the kids. Don’t know how you will stop that, but I hope - if she’s stopped saying this stuff about you - she can put things right by telling your siblings that actually you had allowed her to have contact with your kids.

I think LC with them and hopefully they all calm the hell down

Thanks It'sNotNormal. That's true & I have said that too, I don't want to know what's been/being said.... I mean they've obviously been talking for a while & I've been fine not knowing!

Thanks TicTac. I know, we sound like a family from the Jeremy Kyle show don't we! It's all on text tho so it's silent... I feel really sad about it all & angry too that things can't just be about my mum, but I know things can't go on like this. I kind of feel like it's giving my mum & my sis something else to think about (other than my mum being ill) but I do wish they'd find something else to occupy them.

@PoppleZopple - your update does put a different gloss on things. Sorry that I misunderstood the thrust of your original post. I thought you were asking whether you should go no contact rather than how to deal with it. Sorry about that.

Your assessment of the position sounds very wise and @TicTac80’s advice sounds very sound including LC rather than NC which would be harder to come back from.

Thank you Dery. I had a thread once about the man himself which only lasted 3 hours before it descended into chaos, MN contacted me & I said I needed it deleted, which they did.

I just didn't want this one to turn into that so was trying to be vague.

I'm not sure how the LC thing will work in practice, mum is, sadly, very likely to not survive this & I just don't think we will be able to patch things up after. But I also don't think we can sort things out now. My sis is certain that I'm this terrible person who refused to let my mum go near my kids, & my mum says she didn't say it & that's that... & I let it go with my mum because, of course she shouldn't be being dragged into our squabble. My bro has stopped talking to me at all. He seemed to think that it was all done & dusted when we made our decisions about our children in the first place, but he doesn't realise all the little digs that have happened Everytime there's a meet up, and I don't know if he knows what my sis has been saying but he made it quite clear that he thought I was making a drama out of nothing & he can't be bothered with me.

Which isn't me, by the way, I will argue & fight my corner if I need to but I'm quiet & timid & shy away from confrontation.
My sis is loud & confident & quite happy to argue with anybody about anything.

PP who asked, no we haven't ever argued before. We been slightly annoyed with each other but after a week or so of sulking will go back to normal!

I know I'm just rambling, it's all just such a disaster.

You’re the scapegoat in this situation. Have a read of narcissism and see if it fits your mum. You’re protecting your children from a threat, we’ll done. Your siblings are being very unreasonable but there’s not a lot you can do about that.

You have a valid reason for protecting your DCs and if your siblings can’t see that then that’s their issue. They’re not good enough for you and your kids.

Thank you ToastieSnowy I already know that that's what my mum is, I had counselling a few years back & that helped me to see.

But there's always been an element of... 'I only have a small family so I need to hang onto the ones I've got'... That said, I feel like I've reached my limit

You are right about the scapegoat thing also, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Without asking for details I presume that his crime involved children and for that you have absolutely the right thing. If I grew up and later find out my mother had allowed me to visit someone 'like that' I would feel so let down and angry. Is your mother likely to recover?

Kabakofte Yes it did. The police & SS visited us all separately & said that he's done his time etc & it's up to us if we have our children around him, but that we needed to be aware.

I've accepted my siblings choice but they never accepted mine.

Yes I'm hoping that after all the heartache this has caused, then my children will at least understand when they are older.

I had an apology from my mum this morning (sorry that things got heated etc) which I've never had before (I'm always apologizing to her to the point where she says 'Stop apologizing!')

But it just made me cry all over again tbh. It's just waiting for my sis to start again now.

OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about or to apologise for.

Your siblings choices are their choices and your choice is your choice.

Opinion is like arse hole- everybody has one and takes care of it.

Shut down your sister “my decision is not up for discussion” and “don’t speak to me like that” if she starts being getting into you.

To warrant a visit from SS after serving his time the guy must have done something,nobody gets put in prison for nothing.

Well done for protecting your children from sexual predator- they are your priority,not your sister’s opinion or feelings.

Sorry about your mum but she made her choices in life, you made yours. Don’t let anybody tell you that they were the wrong ones because they were not.

I'm in a slightly different situation but here's my take. I'm 100% estranged from my birth father. He's vile, toxic, violent and has sexual offence convictions that I will not have around my children- he was never a father to me and he certainly won't be allowed the privilege of being my kids grandfather. I am very much in touch with his parents and sibling. I love my grandparents with all my heart- they're amazing people. That said- if ANY of them started pressuring me to see him or allow him access to my children I would be out of there faster than you could blink.

For what it's worth the whole thing sounds utterly toxic and your mum sounds like she's stirring the pot and your siblings are following her lead. Personally I wouldn't allow my kids around someone who has such little regard or respect for me or my parenting decisions- and that would go for your siblings and your mum. I think it would be hard just cutting out siblings in your situation as frankly they only sound like 50% of the problem.

Wishing you the best of luck. Family dramas are horrendous but since making my decision I've had absolute peace with it.

In your position I would make it very clear to your siblings that you never banned your mum from seeing the kids, just the partner, and it was your Mum who chose not to see them. Then block the whole lot of them and focus on your family.