Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

I think in your position I would maybe compose one text that explains your position - something like “I have never stopped mum from seeing my kids, it’s only xx who I won’t allow them to see. I will never change my mind about that so please stop raising it with me.”

Then just reply with exactly the same message whenever your sister sends an arsey text. Hopefully she will get bored and find someone else to annoy. If that doesn’t bring an end to it I would probably cut all contact with them. Well done for rising above all the drama and protecting your kids.

Ozanji I keep telling them that. My mum sulks because I won't have the kids at hers when he is there. I keep asking her to let me know when he's not in & we will come round, but she doesn't. She also won't meet us 'out' because again, she sulks about them not going to her house. So much so that, since she found out that she was ill in June, she's seen them twice. Once at a family thing & once when she did meet us.

I've been going round twice a week & her partner is quite active, he's often out for the day doing whatever, but she never lets me know when he's not going to be there, so I only go when the kids are with their dad or at school.
Saturday was one of these times. I went round there & he was out for the day. She didn't know they were with their dad & if i'd of said to him that they haven't seen her & can I take them for a couple of hours he would of said yes.

I hope that makes sense, basically she sulks about her house so doesn't see them at all. I asked her 4 times in text last night that, if he was out, then why didn't she tell me so the kids could come round, & she point blank ignored me.

Teaandcake It is toxic, the whole thing is awful. Is so glad your situation is ok now. That's lovely to hear

FrenchBoule Thank you, that was a really kind post. I only apologize for text her about my sis, I never apologize for my opinion & that will never, ever change. I was pregnant with my youngest when we found out & they are nearly 5 now, & I've never once wavered on my decision.

I will just put this out there that my mum & sis think he is innocent, they think that he was wrongfully convicted. I'm not defending their behaviour in the slightest because (especially sis) is putting me through hell right now. But, they think he never did it.

I did speak to the police a 2nd time & said about how my mum believes he is innocent & she said their is no doubt in their minds that he did what he did. Mine either.

Thank you everybody for talking to me. I'm feeling a bit better for getting it all out. I'm sure part of the problems is that I have nobody to talk to when things are bad, so thank you.

Thank you reader, missed yours. She did send me a long text including 'What exactly do you think he's gonna do?!' 'You are acting like he's a murderer!' which I didn't dignify with a response.

Oh dear what a mess. That does makes you mum and sisters behaviour make a bit more sense, if they’ve decided he’s innocent. Which you’re right, is very very unlikely to be the case.

They should still stop sulking / harassing you / playing the victim though. I would be inclined to tell them both that and that you will stop visiting until they can respect your decision.

Have you tried just flat out ignoring any comments about your decision to keep your kids away from your mum’s partner? So you keep up any interactions that you want to have with your mum and siblings and just abruptly change the subject if they bring it up? It will still be hard for you to hear their comments, but it might limit the number and frequency of them and it avoids you getting drawn back into the same discussion again. They know your position on the matter and it’s not going to change so it doesn’t need discussing anymore. It’s also fine to want to cut down on your interactions if that’s what you need. If your mum gets sicker and ends up house bound and asking to see your kids you could consider things like getting them to prerecord a message that you play to her or (possibly a better idea) you could FaceTime them at their dad’s with her if you feel comfortable doing that. Only propose things that you are comfortable with or at times when you’re comfortable - like don’t ever offer to FaceTime if her partner is in the room and you don’t want that, or don’t send her electronic copies of recorded messages if you don’t want him to have any access to those.

reader It does, doesn't it. I was still with my kids dad when we found out (I've never told another person in RL) & we spent a long time talking it thought & one of us would be like 'But how can she get into bed next to him knowing what he did' (or similar) & the other would say 'Because she doesn't believe that he did it' & it would be like 'Oh yeah!'

I do get what you are saying but I'm not going to stop visiting because we don't know how long she has left, not to be morbid but we don't. I'm heartbroken for my kids though, obviously they don't understand why they aren't seeing her.

I believe my mum is having a drink (she likes a drink) & ranting about me to my sis, & instead of taking it with a pinch of salt, (like I would), my sis is believing every word, & hits out at me. Then my mum just denies everything & says she wants us to get on.
I don't know how to get my sis to stop this.

Babyiskicking I always ignored them in the past. For nearly 5 years I have but my sis has ramped it all up the last few months & is being really nasty (threatening to tell my children nasty things about me & turn them against me) & it's the whole 'Mum said this, & now mum has said this' which she was never saying before.

Thank you for the ideas about seeing my mum. I am thinking about things like that. I was trying to work out if there was one person I could trust enough to tell (or the kids dad) & if I have the kids round their with me & this person is with me too, kind of to keep an eye on the kids with me if my attention is on my mum. Because half of my worry is that there's just me, & I'd look up & one of them would of disappeared to the other room or something (as kids do)... A travel along babysitter maybe?!

If you get on with your Ex then yes, he could be your 'travel along babysitter'.

If you do decide to take the kids to see your mum in person then an extra clued up adult sounds essential - especially if can’t trust your mum or siblings to tell you the truth about whether or not her partner would be around. Kid’s dad sounds like a great option if he would agree to it. It’s another way to keep the visit brief too - he can bring the kids in for a quick chat with their grandma and then take them away back home with him again and you could stay longer with your mum. Also don’t feel bad if you decide it’s too risky and you don’t want to have your kids in the same house as your mum’s partner even with a second clued up adult supervising. It sounds like the kids’ dad is someone you could talk to about this, even though you’re no longer together. You could also try and see a psychologist or get a social worker’s input on how to set up some safe ways for your kids to see their grandmother before she is no longer around. I’m so sorry you’ve been put in this situation.

How does your sister think she’s going to tell your kids nasty things about you? Does she have any way of contacting them that doesn’t go through you? For your 5 year old I’m guessing definitely not. If you have an older who uses social media with family at all make sure you’re including in any group chats they are in and tell them Auntie is very upset because Grandma is sick so if she says anything that worries them at all to tell you straight away. Basically your sister’s threat to upset your children is probably empty. Even if she did manage to say something nasty about you to your kids it’s unlikely to have a big effect - you are a huge part of their lives and she is not. They will believe you and value what you have to say over anything she comes out with.

Babyiskicking Thank you I will look into that. Honestly, I think if people have somebody like this in their family then they should be offered counselling!

Myself & the ex get on ok, this thing, the fact that they will never be alone with mum's partner has probably been our one constant that we have always agreed on so I'm as certain as I can be that he won't say no (he also didn't see his own dad near the end & I know he carries some guilt around about that)
I don't want them in the same room as him really, I don't want him thinking things about my kids but then, we've stood in mum's front garden during lockdown chatting & he could of been watching through the window then if he wanted to. And also, I can't stop his thoughts but he's never getting his hands on them.

Thank you for your kind words

Babyiskicking I know it's silly isn't it, it sounds silly bit she's getting me where it hurts. She said when they are older, it just brings out my protective side & makes me go all 'Well you aren't getting near any of us then'. Older one is 8 but not online or anything.

And my mum just says 'I want you to get along'. She can't see that she plays any part in this!

This sounds really hard for you OP!

It is a very difficult choice (about seeing your Mum's partner) for all of you.

I think that you doing the right thing with your children and that this is being taken as a critcism of what the others do.

Every time your sis sends a text she is kind of saying 'I'm in the wrong and you are showing me up'. In a way, she wants you to be doing the wrong thing too - as that would make her feel better about her own choice.

You can appreciate that your sis found this a difficult choice. You both did.

If you can just let her and your Mum sound off on this - you can just keep seeing them. Things change over time. It will not always be so fraught. Your stand on this will become background eventually.

I'd say that for now you should simply refuse to take offence. You are right and they are wrong - this is uncomfortable for them. In the end though, they are family and you are bonded even when you disagree so deeply.

No need to cut them off. How would you benefit from this?

Wildheartsease My sis didn't find it a difficult choice at all. She found it really easy. 'I believe mum that he is innocent. That's it for me. Easy'.

I don't know if I can keep letting her use me as a punch bag. I'm by myself remember, I have nobody to talk it through when she starts with the texts. How long should I have to read 'You are hurting mum so much. All you are doing is hurting her. Everyday you are hurting her. Don't you care about that? She is going to die full of hurt because of you'... & the threats about my kids etc...

As for how it would benefit me to not receive those texts anymore, well I'd think that would be obvious.

Could you ask your sister to speak to the police with you?

Hmm, there is no way in hell I would have my daughter around a convicted sex predator. Are we crazy? If your sis is being such a problem, just tell her the subject is closed and block her. The fact she is threatening you with blackening your name to your infant children is despicable and I would wipe her out solely on that.

HollowTalk I don't mean to shut you down, it's a good idea, but i'm fairly certain that she won't. She has always had a deep mistrust of the police due to dealings with them that didn't go her way in the past.
Also, mum keeps saying how amazing her partner is & how he does everything for her & has helped my sis with loads of things/given her money/fixed her car etc so to be honest part of me thinks that even if she did find out now that it was true then she would say 'But he's now proved how much he's changed'... & I would still be on the wrong.

(He's not tried to win me over with money or anything &, to be perfectly honest, he treats my mum like crap as far as I can see. I honestly don't see what everybody else sees in him)

Thank you SVRT I have a lot of that anger going on, believe me!

Your sister made the decision look easy but everytime she is reminded of your decision to handle things differently she will be dealing with niggling doubt that she is wrong and you are right. She’s currently justifying her decision to herself with the idea that she’s doing what is best for your mum (who is ill). Her horrible texts to you are part of that. She may well also be passing on things your mum is saying on to you as a way of dealing with those horrible feelings - so she’s saying it’s not my fault mum is feeling bad about not seeing one set of grandkids much, it’s Popple’s. She’s wrong, obviously. It was your mother’s choice to get together with this man knowing it was likely to impact her relationships with grandkids. She may be regretting that decision right now, or just wishing things were different and the issue dod not exist. Whatever is going on inside your sister’s mind and your mother’s mind, you do deserve this poor treatment. Don’t feel guilty about any of your choices here. You do deserve to have someone to talk to about this mess. Mumsnet is hit and miss for that. Is anyone in your wider family in the know and leans more towards your line of thought? Aunt or uncle? Cousins? Can you give yourself some phoneless time out? Maybe block your sister temporarily then skim her texts and messages once every few days in case she’s actually said anything important or useful?

Oh sorry, horrible typo. You DO NOT DESERVE this horrible treatment OP.

Babyiskicking Yes it is hit & miss. The last thread showed me that! When I'm feeling really low I feel like the only way for the rest of my family to be happy is for me to not be here anymore, but I'm not feeling like that right now.

Unfortunately our family is small, I never knew any cousins, aunt's uncle's etc.
My older nephew (22) sent me a message when mum first got her diagnosis & said about us all getting together, including my kids, & said 'You know I won't let anybody hurt them'.

I told him I really appreciate that but we would be there to see my mum, I wouldn't expect any of them to keep an eye on my kids & if anything did happen it can happen in seconds & ruin the rest of their lives.

He never answered that.

You are probably right about my sis, it's hard for me to see it but it makes sense.

Hi I'm sorry that you're going through this
Maybe say to them that if it's not related to your Mum being ill then you don't want to be drawn into any unecessary drama
Ask them to please respect your decision re: your children and you don't want to discuss it further or want anymore snide remarks thrown at you
Is there another family member or friend that you can talk to?
Unfortunately, sometimes in a family there is a scapegoat/black sheep, the one that gets the crap. I'm the one in my family and I now and again I refer to myself, in front of them as 'Baa Baa' (as in the nursery rhyme 😉) their faces are a picture, as they know its true!
Just take one day at a time, shut your Sister down if she starts, take control of the rest of the situation as you have rightly done with the safety of your children. I commend you for that, maybe your siblings havent got the balls to do it themselves and that's why it's a 'thing' to them
Take care of yourself

And your Nephew sounds an absolute sweetheart, he's in your corner

I think it's not just about the potential for him to hurt the children now. Even with an extra parent to help out, and the certainty that they can't be hurt, I don't know if I could go through with allowing kids to be in his presence.

He's been in prison. His crime is a matter of public record. So potentially, your kids may someday find out what he did through Google or because vigilantes turn up on his doorstep.

If they have questions for you about him in the future, what do you want your answers to be?

Also. You mentioned that your mum and sister say he's innocent and didn't do it. Where did they get that idea?

If he's telling them that, then it doesn't sound like he's accepted responsibility for his actions or had any personal growth.