Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

WhoWantsToKnow My answers are that I kept them away from him, as I have. If I have to make decisions about my mum being at the end of her life & seeing the kids (like we've been talking about on here) then its something I will deal with the way I think is best at the time.

They don't know who he is, when they've seen him out with mum in passing they don't even ask who he is, & if mum does die then I'm never, ever seeing him again.

My conscience is clear. If they google him or find out in the future, I know that I've done the right thing.

Thank you TheCuntessOfMiddlesex, from one sheep to another, that's a very kind post & baa!

Sorry, it's WhoWants2Know! He told them that from the beginning, when he first met my mum I believe, as he had to 'declare' his relationship or whatever it's called, & once the police contacted me my mum said 'I know what it is & who it's about, but it's nothing bad' !!!

I believe he said that he was set up but I'm hazy on the details as I've never given them the time of day.... I held out an olive branch back in the beginning & said if he'd like to come & sit with myself & the kids dad, no anger or anything, have a cup of tea & tell us his version, then we can go from there... But he refused.

Whowants2know please don’t ruin the thread for OP. She really doesn’t need you to point out that this man is a risk to children. She knows that. Don’t make her feel guilty for daring to talk about this somewhere.

Thanks Babyiskicking You are being very kind

@Babyiskickingmyribs

Whowants2know please don’t ruin the thread for OP. She really doesn’t need you to point out that this man is a risk to children. She knows that. Don’t make her feel guilty for daring to talk about this somewhere.

Exactly this ^

Popple it is so impossible to deal with isn’t it?

My brother abused me as a young child and my sister for decades apparently.

My father had every excuse in the book for my brother’s behaviour. He was absolutely awful, but my sister has absolutely gone along with this. I just had to walk away for my own sanity. The only place you can be in their denial is in the wrong. It is such an impossible position to be in.

I last spoke to my brother, my sole sibling, on the day of our Mother's funeral when he did his level best to blank me. It was the culmination of a long series of actions spurred by his jealousy.

This was nearly four years ago and I have realised that the only things I had in common with him was that we shared a surname and parentage. Beyond that there was nothing and for a long time I made all the running to keep some sort of relationship going between us. I regret that our ways did not part sooner; had they done so, I wouldn't have wasted so much time and emotional energy trying to salvage our relationship.

My life is now taken up with people whom I value and regard as positive influences. Just because you share some DNA with a person, it does not mean that you owe them anything. Move on, and fill your life with people who matter to you.

Best wishes.

Thank you xpc I'm sorry that happened to you & glad that you are feeling at peace now, onwards & upwards, your life sounds great now
You are right, I'm not sure what I have in common with either of them tbh, & all of this actually started because I wanted us to meet up. Instead of us meeting, my sis started this.

Everybody will probably jump on me for this but I don't think I would even go to the funeral as I'd be so worried what my sis would do. She has her partner & kids & my bro has his wife & I'd be the only one by myself with nobody to stick up for me.

I'm ok with it, it's a day to say goodbye in my eyes, but I will do it in the old cemetary where my mum & I used to walk when I was younger.

Muttly Oh, that's awful, I'm so sorry and What was your dad thinking?! And your sister, I just don't even know what to say about that! What an awful situation for you. I hope you are ok now?

Writing on here, I feel like I'm living one of those stories you read in a trashy magazine & you think 'Well, they've exaggerated that!'... You must feel like that too!

Sounds like this man could be grooming your sister to get access to the children.
Its what offenders do and she's taken the easy way of believing he is innocent so she's not having to face taking the difficult action you are having to do in safeguarding your children.

PoppleZopple, I think you should feel proud of yourself for protecting your children. Sex offenders only need a small opportunity and you are preventing that happening. Good for you.

It's a pity your siblings have fallen for the lies. But at least you can go to bed at night knowing your children are safe because you are looking out for them.

And that is what matters the most.

Writing on here, I feel like I'm living one of those stories you read in a trashy magazine & you think 'Well, they've exaggerated that!'... You must feel like that too!

I know you are serious but that made me snort. It is absolutely like a Take a Break story.

Op you're doing the right thing. No way would I knowingly allow my dc around someone who had committed crimes against children. Did he spend time in prison?

It sounds like your dm is creating this drama. You have asked to be told when he's not there or offered alternatives, but she hasn't accepted. That's up to her. You being strong about your position really highlights your siblings and they are probably trying to bully you to change your mind to ease their conscious.

I don't know if I could have a relationship with my dm is she were in a relationship with a person like this- but obviously don't know the severity or circumstances.

Btw I have obviously absolutely no intention of going to my parents funerals. In my mind my family have figuratively passed on from my life. It is extremely sad but my grieving happened when they made the choices they did. For a long tome I hoped they would change their minds but they didn’t.

Hi OP

Sorry to hear about your mum and the fall out over her partner.

Just wanted to say im in a very similar position (except its my sis with the dangerous partner, and my parents have sided with her) so i completely understand your pain and torment.

the niggling away at you constantly saying you're wrong is very difficult to deal with.

you have completely made the right decision regarding your kids, well done for standing by this as i know how hard it is when your family of origin don't agree.

i hope you're ok

Stripyhoglets It has crossed my mind. My ex always used to say that he knows I can see through him & that's why he doesn't try to get me on side with money or whatever.

billyt Thank you. I know none of you are 'real' people but it's still nice to hear that you don't all think I'm evil like my family do.

Muttly next time I read one I won't be so quick to think they are exaggerated!
I understand that decision & also the hope that things might change. It's so difficult isn't it.

Stickyblue I'm sure my mum likes the drama. Not that she will admit it.
Because I'm 'The quiet one', I'm sure my siblings thought they could talk me into changing my mind. They were wrong.
He was in prison for 8 years. I know people don't understand why I still talk to my mum, but please don't give me a hard time over that.

Thank you SoTiredoftheStress (I need to steal that username!) I'm sorry you are struggling too. You are being very strong in a horrible situation. If you ever need to talk then I'm here

I'm ok. I had an awful day at work & cut my finger too, and I'm sooo tired, I wanted to go to bed but it was only 7.30 so I thought I'd better hang on a bit!

I completely understand why you still see your mum OP.

i wanted to still see my sister but unfortunately for various reasons we are completely NC. In my head iv accepted it but in my heart i still wish that somehow things could be fixed somewhere down the line.

i just wish my parents could accept my position.

i cant believe your family think that he served 8 yrs in prison for no reason.
my god it must have been an awful crime for that sentence.

its odd how similar our situations are, i also dont have any other family. my aunts/cousins etc i barley know.

OP,

You sound like a great mum in a very difficult situation.

Your sister isn't.
She has taken the easy way out and has put her children in danger.

The next time she texts you tell her "it's ok, I don't judge you for making the choice you did regarding a convicted X".

She is angry that you are sticking to your guns.

She knows bloody well that he is guilty but it suited her.

8 years is a long time.
It is often very difficult to get a conviction.

What must it have been like for his victims, to get that conviction.

Mind yourself OP.
You are a great mum, doing her best.
Get an early night.

I think I remember your previous thread. If it's the one I think it is, then you are absolutely doing the right thing, and I would keep my dc away from him too. They don't change.

I'm sorry I have no advice about how to handle your relationships with your family members though.

SoTiredoftheStress It does sound very similar! I wish I had some advice on when things will get better but it's not simple with things like this is it!
Thank you for your understanding.

Thanks billy1966. I'm now gonna get ready for bed. My kids are back tomorrow so I need to be a bit more 'With it' than I was today!
When my mum first told me about meeting somebody I asked if he had children & she said 'He does but he doesn't see them as it's complicated'. Seems very simple to me!!!

Thanks for the thoughts cuttlefish. Hopefully there's only one of me going through this exact situation! the deletion message was the one about 'We are supposed to be here for support & this thread isn't helping anybody, especially the OP' or something.

@PoppleZopple

Thanks for the thoughts cuttlefish. Hopefully there's only one of me going through this exact situation! the deletion message was the one about 'We are supposed to be here for support & this thread isn't helping anybody, especially the OP' or something.

I don't think I was 'watching' the thread so I probably would have missed any deletion message.

Your sister sounds goady and seems to like needling you on purpose, so I'd distance myself from her if I were you. Take a mental step backwards and try not to let her wind you up.

You know you are doing the right thing.

cuttlefish Thanks. I know that I am... I wish I could tell her to put her hatred for me to the side & put on a fake united front for mum's sake, but I know i'd get another mouthful about 'If you'd bring your kids round then she would be happy. Don't you want her to be happy?' Blah blah blah!

@Babyiskickingmyribs

Whowants2know please don’t ruin the thread for OP. She really doesn’t need you to point out that this man is a risk to children. She knows that. Don’t make her feel guilty for daring to talk about this somewhere.

I wasn't trying to make OP feel bad at all. She's already made the decision that sits best with her conscience, even though it's been difficult for her.

My post was really addressing the suggestion that she go visit with another adult to keep an eye out for the kids-- It's feasible and the kids would be safe, but it would be putting them in contact with a person who they could later hear bad things about. There was a similar situation in my extended family, and eventually word got around to the younger generation, who all had their own thoughts on the subject.

WhoWants2Know Let's say mum suddenly goes downhill today & the kids come with their dad for half an hour at a time for a week, then he takes them home & I follow shortly after. She dies after this week & Then in a few years time they find out about her partner.

Well honestly I would hope their overriding memory would be of seeing nanny at the end when they had barely seen her for ages before (& now understanding why they hadn't seen her much before) and being glad they got to be with their mum/dad and nanny at the end & were clearly being looked after as they were taken there & taken away again with no chance of him getting near them (& they thought this was odd at the time that they weren't allowed to be 'free' in nanny's house)

I know you are talking about a situation that's happened close to you but my children are 4 & 8 & they would like to see their nanny.
As has been said, I've not decided what to do about 'the end' (if we even get a choice) but it does feel like you are saying 'Dont let them see nanny at all just in case years later they read something about him!'