Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

Thank you ljsbearfor that kind message. It does cross my mind that he has told her not to have us round, & that he is 'pulling her strings' more than I realise, because as I said, as far as I can see he isn't very nice to her at all.

Another of my end goals is to not have any regrets, if this is the end for mum, & I don't. Much as it's tearing me apart right now, I know that I've done/am doing all I can do. No regrets.

Thank you billy I will be ok. The GP aren't being much help at the moment but I know they are there. There's lots of other things going on with my own health etc that brings me down too but this is a bit all-consuming right now.

You really need to stand strong here.

You've made a decision which you feel is in the best interest of your kids and you are 100% right and best placed to make that decision,

Make it clear to your mum that you love her. Invite her to come see your children/ go on trips etc.

But do not give in and next time it's brought up about why he doesn't see your children simply say that's right he doesn't see my children because of xyz and I don't think it's right. Don't ever waiver.

Ultimately you can't make other people be sensible, kind, rational... for whatever reason, your mum and siblings find it easier to 'forget'. They dislike you reminding of their choice by sticking to your own choice.

You've done everything you can and have nothing to regret or reproach yourself about.

Take deep breaths, some time for yourself if at all possible, and just hang in there day at a time.

Is there anything nice you can do for yourself? Something that would focus your thinking onto good things. It's easy to get consumed by what's wrong, but healthier to find other things to think about.

Thanks Aubree. I don't ever waiver to them. There is nothing to discuss with them because I simply will not have my children around him.

I've stopped asking mum to come & meet us & just say 'You know where we are' & leave it to her. I used to spend a lot of time organizing things so that we had somewhere to go that was easy for mum to get to etc & suited her more than it suited us tbh. (often saying to the kids 'Lets do this as it will be nice for nanny') But I'm not any more. If she wants to suggest those places herself then of course we will go, but I'm not doing the organizing anymore if she won't even text me when he goes out.

I'm still visiting her myself but less often than when she was first diagnosed & for shorter times as well tbh. I feel like that's all I can manage to protect my own MH right now.

Thanks pickleme. I don't get much time without my kids & the time I do get I'm spending with mum but, as I just said, I'm scalling that back now. Otherwise I'm at work & I hate my job but at least I have one so try to be positive about it! Unfortunately I work alone & that's the big problem always, nobody to talk to.

But I'm ok. Thank you everybody for your kind words. I feel desperately sad sometimes but I'm ok.

I do need to do a day at a time. My face to face counsellor a few years ago told me that too.

I heard from my bro today. He messaged to let me know that everybody is going to mum's for Christmas.

'Mums not well. I know you have your reasons but mum's not well. I don't want to get into an arguement but you know she isn't well. I'm just letting you know that everybody else will be there'.

I answered 'Thanks for letting me know'.

Oh dear.

I think if it were me, I'd reply 'Mums not well, I don't want to argue, I'm desperately sad. I can't bring my children into the house of a sex offender'.

@picklemewalnuts

Oh dear.

I think if it were me, I'd reply 'Mums not well, I don't want to argue, I'm desperately sad. I can't bring my children into the house of a sex offender'.

I think that is a very fair and measured reply.

If I sent that message, he would say I'm being stupid or tell me he can't be arsed with me again or something. He wouldn't accept it.
His view was always... 'He did it, but he served his time, now let it go'.

You see why I favour saying nothing? Because they have an arguement as to why I'm wrong for everything.

My mum text tonight, asked what I'm doing for Christmas. I said 'Just organize whatever you are all doing together. I don't know what else to say'.
She said 'Im not pressuring you I just wanted you to know that you are welcome'.
So I said 'Ok thanks. I've already had bro text me today reminding me that you are ill & that everybody else is going to yours'.

And she said 'I didn't know that'.

Like hell she didn't.

Popple I was going to say I’d say nothing for the reason you outlined. You just cannot win. They are psychologically damaged, their thinking is completely skewed so they can stick in with the group. It is pure torture trying to rationalise where no reason lies.

Thanks Muttly. That's true. The whole thing is torture!
I'd just managed to calm myself down a bit, & felt like I could get some rest after being all 'Aaaarrrgh' all day. Then mum text me & I got all upset again. Sigh.

Aw OP im so sorry you are going through all this. That was such a guilt trip message your brother sent, really not fair. And yes if you were to reply with your reasons he wont accept them so there is no point.

stand strong, you are in the right with all this. They know it as well but are not strong enough to do the right thing. unreal that so many people are willing to pretend that this man is not a monster.

yes i believe people deserve second chances and to live a normal life after prison but i draw the line at sex offenders and child abusers, i dont believe they can be rehabilitated and id certainly not take that risk with my children.

Christmas and special occasions are always a trigger for upset when there are fall outs in the family. its a very difficult time. sending you a hug OP x

Thanks SoTiredoftheStress. Your support means a lot. How are you doing?

Yes, there's always comments from my mum about Christmas but I've never had this from my bro before. It's really unfair but sadly, all I expect from them now.

I agree with you. Generally, give people a 2nd chance after prison. But not with this.

Not doing too great tbh. Another argument last night with DH.

I totally understand why he feels the way he does, but the thought if never allowing my DC to see my parents again is making me feel all panicky and light headed.

they havent seen them for 2yrs (their choice) but i always hoped this would change, but now it seems there is no hope.

sorry im hijacking your thread with my own problems.

Do you think you will hear again about this Christmas issue?

SoTiredoftheStress Oh you poor thing. It's been going on for so long for you & I bet it feels longer than that too doesn't it! How old are your children? It's so unfair for them.
I think it's perfectly normal to hope that one day they might see them again. I'm sorry he isn't being supportive for you.

You aren't taking over my thread either, you can chat as much as you like

I will hear from them about Christmas again. I am absolutely, 100% certain of it.

I think sis is going to officially threaten to never speak to me again if I don't take the kids at Christmas... & Bro will try some 'I'm not going to argue but mum is ill & niece wants to know why her cousins aren't going to be there? Mum is ill, after all'. I might be wrong, (hope I am) but that's my feeling.

Popple this stuff just goes on and on and on.

I was recently talking to someone whose details I will change slightly here but a family member abused all of the children in her generation and when he died it emerged he had abused many of their mother’s generation too. My friend was driving her mother down to visit his grave not envy and then afterwards his relatives most of whom he had abused, them and their children, were gathered together all sitting around in front of my friend discussing what a great guy he was. The denial never, never ends in these things. People find ways to avoid and rationalise and justify these behaviours and then anyone who says anything otherwise is the bad one.

It is so wearing to deal with.

Thanks for sharing that Muttly. It's a crazy, sad story isn't it, all those generations! I probably never would of believed it if I wasn't going through this myself... I wish I could find a support group or something. The loneliness of feeling that I can't tell anybody, is absolutely crushing.

I don't think it will ever end will it. Even if he dies (I spend some time wishing that he would... I know I'm awful) then I would get all the crap from everybody that I didn't accept him & made mum's life difficult when he was here.

Muttly thats so awful. it is unbelievable that so many turn a blind eye. especially when you see the hatred and anger from people all over social media regarding paeodophiles and child abusers, but then it seems that this hatred and anger only refers to those not in their family.

My DC are 4 and 2.5

I am hurt by DH but to be honest he is right, my parents are toxic and i shouldn't want them in my DC life but as you know it isnt as simple as that x

especially when you see the hatred and anger from people all over social media regarding paeodophiles and child abusers, but then it seems that this hatred and anger only refers to those not in their family.

It is cognitive dissonance at its best. I wouldn’t have believed it either except I’ve lived it too. Many, many people will justify absolutely anything to stay in their social group. It is absolutely the norm too. People choosing to deal with this are far and away in the minority. So it takes huge courage and strength.

SoTiredoftheStress It's hard when they are little isn't it. You are doing your best to deal with the situation as best you can, they are still your parents & it's hard to let go

My mum & sis used to be those people who would be all over FB too, joining in with the nasty comments against anybody who had even been accused of this sort of thing... And then this happened.

Also my mum likes to regularly warn me against meeting people from OLD because 'They target single mothers to get to the kids'.

Yes, or to get to the grandkids...

wow seriously?? did you point out that her DP is one of these men she is warning you of?

thats actually crazy.

My mum & sis used to be those people who would be all over FB too, joining in with the nasty comments against anybody who had even been accused of this sort of thing... And then this happened.

It is so hard to reconcile. You just keep doing you Popple they are just like little kids not wanting to let go of an idea they like that doesn’t match up to reality. You have strength, courage and integrity coupled with compassion. Hold onto that. It really is what being a good person is all about.

So TiredoftheStress Yeah she's always going on about 'Those types of men'. She is convinced that one of them is gonna get my kids... Maybe she's transferring her fears onto strangers or something? Instead of admitting that she lives with one of those men?! I don't know.

I bite my tongue. I just 'Uh-huh'. Because, what is the point?!
I never accept a date with anybody anyway as I'm really not in that place am I, & how would I even go about explaining any of this?!

Thank you for your kindness Muttly. There's lots of extremely brave women on this thread
Despite all of this, it's still really hard thinking that I'm going to have basically no family at all. But it's how it is.