Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

And to you, @PoppleZopple ! I have had some melancholy moments this year but was reminded in this morning’s church service that it isn’t my job to save the world or fix everything! It helped me let go of a sense of failure in not having somehow made it better.

picklemewalnuts Thank you. That's so true isn't it, & so easy to forget!

Just a post to get my thoughts out really. There's nothing that anybody can say to help at this point so I'll just say once more that I'm eternally grateful for all the support on this (very long) thread.

We didn't see my mum over Christmas. I had a horrendous cold so couldn't see her anyway as she's still on chemo. This relieved some of my stress as I simply 'Couldn't' see her.

So we've not seen her since early December for the kids, mid December for me. We've tried to meet up since but she has been unwell herself & then my kids were unwell.

Saw each other this past weekend & she just seemed so angry with me. She said twice that she never goes anywhere apart from the hospital & now she's had to come & see us. This isn't exactly true, she does still go out, although I know her world has got a lot smaller, & she goes out much less than she used to.

Complaining about having to get a bus (We are on the same bus route so we get on, then she gets on) As normally she gets a taxi. I said 'Why didn't you get a taxi then & we could have met you in town?' (Shrug)

Going on & on about how all the other grandkids have been round & 'I wish you'd all come round/it's such a shame that you won't come round/I don't know why you won't come round' !!

I just feel so sad. I know that she's unwell & she's struggling but why is it such a hardship to come & see her grandkids. (All this stuff was said to me when the kids weren't around)

I said to her 'You havn't noticed my haircut' (Obvious change) & she snapped 'Well I havn't seen you for so long, I can't remember what it was like, as you won't bring them round'.

I feel like this is it, & she's barely going to see my children again now, if it makes her so unhappy.

I was trying to tell her things (Myself & my kids are having a horrendously hard time right now for other reasons) & she just kept making negative comments about not seeing us & 'I could help, they could come to mine but you won't let them'.

I'm so upset. I keep going over her comments in my mind & thinking 'Why was she so angry with me?' (even though I know the answer)

I know she's unwell. I know this post is a selfish 'Poor me' post.

Feels like the begining of the end. I'm so sad. I can't seem to find a way, in my mind, to deal with these thoughts.

I feel like, if this was that time that I mentioned earlier in the thread, that she can no longer leave her home, due to illness, then that's one thing, & I'd have to deal with that. But it's not that, she can (& does) still leave, she's just so angry with me.

Bless you. What a shame.

As an armchair psychologist, I wonder if she is finding that the easiest thing to focus on. She can’t be angry with anyone about cancer. She has chosen not to blame her partner. She clearly doesn’t want to be cross with herself, as that’s uncomfortable. So that leaves you.

Have you ever pushed back? Said ‘oh for goodness’ sake change the record. We all know why we can’t go to yours. I’ve no idea why you made it so hard but I’m past trying to work it out.’

Yes picklemewalnuts I think she's angry about her lack of freedom, her illness in general. & it's easier to transfer that anger onto me.

I just wanted some time with my mum & my kids. I wanted to talk to her about my crappy life, & have her as a listening ear, & I'd be her listening ear too, like we used to do.

I've not really pushed back, no. I've said 'You know why we don't come' & she will mutter 'Yeah, I know'. But I didn't say anything this time, I just let her say what she wanted to say.

I feel like I'm to blame for all of this.

You are not to blame for this. Quite rightly, you have set and enforced boundaries.

For different reasons from yours, I understand some of what you are going through. And once you have been painted by others in a certain way, it is hard to push back, and your stated reasons are likely to be dismissed. I'm afraid I have little in the way of advice, but can offer in solidarity.

Yep. Tea and cake.

If you wanted someone to grumble with, I’m sure we on this thread can listen, and indeed grumble back! Or start a new one.

I’m afraid the mum you used to share with isn’t there anymore 💐💜

OP I think I remember this thread from a long time ago. I am so angry on your behalf and wish I could give your idiotic family a piece of my mind.

You appear to be the only person in your family with any sense, integrity or properly ordered priorities and that is always a very lonely place to be. I'm sorry. So many people on this thread are with you and the vast majority of people outside of your family in your real life would also be 100% on your side and supportive of they knew. Just know that.

For what it's worth, I have a family member who was accused of and tried for something in this vein and found not guilty. Due to the nature of it, my existing impression of him and the fact I couldn't even claim to be that surprised, I took it very much as "not proven" rather than "innocent" and dropped all (of what was already limited) contact for me and my children on that basis alone. Imagine what your family would think of me!

Various members of my family have taken various approaches, which is up to them. They know not to bother raising it with me because they know full well that I would give it extremely short and blunt shrift. However, that's much easier for me to say when it doesn't involve me losing all of my immediate family.

For what it's worth, another (female) family member of mine had a very strange cognitive dissonance about the whole thing whereby she rationalised what the truth "probably" was based on absolutely nothing except that was the limit of what she could mentally handle being true. She dropped contact anyway but it was really disorienting to witness the total lack of rationality at play to ensure self-preservation.

People react in all sorts of ways that are purely based on them and nothing to do with facts or, really, with you. It's just that the opposite stance that you are taking is confronting for them as it forces them to examine and justify their own poor choices and makes them uncomfortable for taking the path of least resistance at the expense of their (and others') children. They will therefore be very invested in tearing you down and "proving you wrong". It's nothing to do with you - It's them trying to soothe their own discomfort and conscience without having to do anything difficult like admit they were dangerously wrong and stupid or change their behaviour.

I also recognise the completely unjustified sense of shame that went with having someone like this associated with the family. That is not your shame to bear and I hope it doesn't stop you seeking support in real life.

Big support to you.

Thank you LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething That's a really kind post & thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry you've been through a similar kind of thing.

SequentialAnalyst & picklemewalnuts Thank you. I don't really want to share what else is going on for me but I appreciate the support.

It's me again. Hoping for some support.

Another hellish year has gone by (with mine & my kids personal circumstances)

We've seen mum a handful of times. The same comments 'Everybody else comes to see me apart from you, because I don't go out much'.

She has met my brother out with his children & has been out in the pub/shopping when I've phoned her a handful of times, but she likes to make it sound like she never leaves the house (it seems. I feel mean writing this comment, it's just confusing for me)

Although, even my brother made a comment to me 'Mum always says that she never goes out but whenever I phone her, she is out'.

I've spent some time with her at her home, just us, & I've bought her a few things that she's needed but has been struggling to afford (healthcare type things)

The thing that is really hard for me right now, is that she says things like 'I never go out in the evening anymore' (this was said when I suggested that we go out one evening, just us. Cinema/drink/meal, whatever she was comfortable with)

Then this weekend, when I'm trying to see her (child free) she says 'I am going out both evenings. I would invite you but you don't like (partner)' Her going out in the evenings means daytime's are off limits this weekend too as she takes the day to pamper herself.

I understand that she is comfortable going out with her partner, rather than me, & that she has to do what makes her comfortable right now. She is still having chemo.

I don't know. I spoke to her on Thursday & she said that we would meet one day this weekend. No mention of going out.

The comment about me 'Not liking' her partner just makes me feel crap.
I've spoken to her about it before & it just didn't need to be said again.

Just getting my thoughts out really. I'm very, very alone with everything.

Despite everything, I still can't seem to distance myself enough for things like this not to hurt. Why can't I do that?

I still can't seem to distance myself enough for things like this not to hurt

This is the core of this, isn't it? You know she's not going to change. You know she will always choose her partner over you. You know she has a problem recognising what's really going on (all that 'he never did it' and 'I never go out' stuff).

I havent read back the whole thread, but have you tried therapy? Firstly to help emotionally handle the situation and possibly secondly to help work out why you can't distance yourself.

It's possible that it has to do with this: everyone needs their (loving) mother when they are young. The attachment goes to the absolute core of who you are - it cannot be overstated enough. As you grow up, you slowly separate and establish yourself but firstly, if something goes wrong then there can be later problems and secondly, (I suspect this may be the case for you) if things become difficult later in your life (you being a single parent with all the massive strain that brings in terms of doing everything alone) then naturally one seeks comfort and a sense of support, and you tend to turn to your (loving) mother. If she can't or won't provide the support, that hurts even more but sometimes people keep on seeking it, like a grown-up child coming back to the person who provided the comfort in childhood. But she rejected you for this dreadful man and so you're even more lonely, so you seek more comfort ... Plus the complication that she has a very serious illness so in a way in practical issues you are more capable than she is now, more (in a way) the parent.

I wonder if the loneliness in your current life-circumstances is making the situation worse? I think you need someone on your side, whether that's a therapist or a really good friend.

Thank you for answering me ljsbear. Your kind reply has me in tears.

You are exactly right. I'm needing my mum right now because of everything else shitty that is going on. She confuses me with the 'I never go out' comments but it doesn't really matter, I know that it's not true.

I feel pathetic for still wanting my mum & that just adds to my overall low feeling.

I am on the list for NHS counselling but I don't know how long that will take. I am reaching out for support, there just isn't much.

It's incredibly hard when you reach out for support and there's just ... nothing.

Is private therapy a possibility? there are therapists who do a reduced rate.

I feel pathetic for still wanting my mum & that just adds to my overall low feeling

If it's any help, it's a known thing that people sometimes miss their mum more as they get older, not less. Especially in difficult times, and when their mum was a good mum when they were younger, a support and a rock.

It never seems enough, but trying to exercise and to keep off the booze can at least help a little. When you're a single mum the sheer amount of stuff to do wears you down - is there a chance of help from a local volunteer organisation? Having too many demands, mental and physical, really depletes you. Some help with that may help you a bit - in practical terms but also just receiving help means something.

Thank you ljsbear I havn't got the money for private therapy, no. I'm contacting everybody who I can find, & asking for support. It's not even because of this situation with my mum, but because of the other things that I have going on.

The first thing that anybody says is, of course 'Have you got family support?'

I didn't realise that it was a 'thing', to need your mum more as you got older, but it makes sense. I had been thinking how, even though some of my Twenties was tough, I sailed through it full of resilience & didn't need my mum at all, & now, I just can't.

You can and you will do this. You are bolstered up by the knowledge that your children are safer because of your wisdom.

There’s a terrible injustice to knowing that people who deserve nothing still get support, while you don’t. I am sorry.

The thing is, your mum is rubbish. It’s the work of a lifetime to process that. It still surprises me at times, and when people express shock at something she’s done that to me was just the latest drama… well that’s a reminder of how outlandish her behaviour is.

She is just another drain on your resources, I’m afraid. She’ll never step up, she’ll never acknowledge what she’s done.

Perhaps you need to find your anger, to actually think about her wearing you down instead of building you up. Let go. Stop trying. Concentrate on pleasing yourself and your dc. You’ll feel better for it and be demonstrating healthy boundaries to your DC.

I;m glad you're getting a bit of practical support. It does help!

There's a difference between hard times before you have kids and hard times after. The responsibility for other little lives changes things.

Other than that, @picklemewalnuts says it very well ...

I remember your very first post OP.

I remember thinking what an amazingly strong Mother you are to protect your children.

Don't ever doubt what you've done is the right thing.

I'm so sorry that you're having other issues in your life.

Thank you so much itsmylife7 I wish that I could put it all down in the one post. It's absolutely hellish having to do all of this on my own.

I have never once doubted that I've done the right thing.

Thank you ljsbear & picklemewalnuts. I was actually with a friend yesterday when my mum told me that she was busy all weekend. She was shocked & said 'But I thought that you had arranged to see her one of these days? Why has she done that?' & I thought 'Yeah, it is crappy isn't it, even if you don't know the backstory'. Still hurts though.

I'm trying to not care. I really am trying.

Sometimes if something doesnt stop hurting, it can be an idea to set half an hour or 15 minutes aside to just ... let it hurt. to take it out of the box and allow the pain to hurt.

Then to put it on one side again, and get on with ordinary stuff.

Pushing the pain away constantly doesn't really make it go away. Giving it some space can help better, in the long term.

I know what you mean, ljsbear. It's not constant hurt, it's just rough when it does happen.
Tomorrow, I have to make more phonecalls for support, & answer another several times... 'Do you have family support? Can your mum help?'

Have you ever answered the with ‘No, she moved in with a ‘###%%.’? You may find saying that out loud helps with some of the feelings.

I’m really sorry life is such a struggle at the moment.

Thank you, picklemewalnuts. I appreciate the long-running support on here, so much.

I say 'My mum is nearby but her partner is a child sex offender, so whilst she offers to have the kids at hers, I'm not letting that happen, so her 'support' is limited'.

I'm just so sick of saying it. It feels like it's a big Red mark against my name every time that I say that I have no family support, even though the 'reasons' for this are never questioned, once I say them.

(Well I know that my reasons are questioned by my family, but not by professionals)

I wouldn’t see that as a red mark. I’d think it’s impressive that you’ve got such good boundaries when you come from a family whose boundaries are blurred, and that you have maintained those boundaries even though it’s inconvenient.

So well done. None of which addresses the fact you have no support, of course.

Is there an end in sight for this current difficult situation? Will it be helped by your DC reaching a certain age, or you recovering from an illness/operation/ whatever the problem is?

I have had tough times, and found it helpful to chunk the time up- the next six months will be tough but at Easter DC3 goes to nursery, in December next year I’ll have had my back fixed etc.

picklemewalnuts How has your year been? (It's been almost a year since we last spoke!)

Yes, I struggle with my negative thinking don't I. It's possibly because I'm having to say it so often right now, & then afterwards I think over the phonecalls & it's 'Why do I have to keep explaining the situation? Like it's my fault!'

There isn't an end in sight yet but hopefully there will be soon. A lot of uncertainty right now.

You do explain it in quite a sanitised, balanced, polite way.

Some people would say ‘My family chose to get cosy with a pedo, so they’re no help.’

As for me, I suppose it’s been a good year. I’m fitter and more capable than last year- I’ve increased my work hours to what was unthinkable before. A massive 26 hours a week! 🤣. And I can generally remember a phone number long enough to write it down in a couple of attempts! Which makes life a lot easier than trying to do it one digit at a time!

DM is full on needy drama queen creating chaos wherever she goes, and then complaining about how hard her life is. But that’s not new! Though the memory element is getting harder to manage. Groundhog Day. We solve the same issue repeatedly, and she doesn’t remember.

Such is life.