Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

God love you OP, it sounds so hard.
You are completely correct in your decision but I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your mother would choose such an excuse of a man ahead of decency and her grandchildren.

It can be lonely and heartsore doing the right thing.

Take comfort from being the best mother you can be, which will be YOUR proud legacy to your children.

Keep posting.

There are none so blind as those that will not see.

Honestly they are bringing nothing to you except unnecessary pain. You cannot do the only thing that will please them, so you are not obliged to do anything at all.

Keep your distance. Stop trying to fix it, it isn't your problem to fix. If your children ask, then 'it's very sad, nanny is married to a man who isn't very nice, so we can't visit them'.

All you can do is whatever comforts you, and wait.

Thanks pickleme, I'm not trying to fix it, because there is no way for me to fix it is there. (Nothing that I'm willing to do)
I wish things weren't as they are but I wish more that everybody would just quietly let everybody else deal with things their own way.

Thank you billy. I know you are right, & lonely & heartsore are good descriptions!

@PoppleZopple

auch ok thanks. having a bit of a hard time with it all just now as OH and I are on slightly different pages and it's causing a lot of anxiety.

i dread to think how many hours of my life have been ruined with the stress and upset over all this.

i watched that 24hrs on police custody the other night, it was all about child abuse and it just reinforced that my stance is correct, extremely difficult but correct.

glad things are a bit better with your brother xx

SoTiredoftheStress I'm really hurt that my bro thinks it's fine to tell me twice that he can't be arsed with me, (actual words) & then just carry on as normal when he's over his sulk, actually. I know I probably sound soft but the only person who's ever spoken to me like that before is my ex, & it hurts.

I'm so sorry you are struggling
I wish I had some comforting words for you, other than know you are doing the right thing, you are, & I know I don't 'know' you but I think you are amazing. I wish I could give you a hug in RL. I hope things get better with your OH... Is he thinking that you should 'let it go' or something? (You don't have to answer) The last thing you need is any more stress right now.

Do you have any friends who know, who you could talk to?

Ah sorry i misunderstood the bit about your brother! that is shit, and no he shouldnt flit between speaking to you and silent treatment, that really messes with your head.

Iv been on and off trying to resolve things with my parents however its not been going well as they still dont think they have done anything wrong and cant accept my stance.

They hate my husband and he hates them. OH doesn't understand why after all they have done and how they have ignored our DC etc I would want a relationship with them.

Sorry missed a question, yes thankfully where I lack in family i more than make up for with friends.

I hope you have some outside support too.

sending hugs xx

SoTiredoftheStress Oh, I see what's going on with your OH. He just needs to support you doesn't he. He doesn't have to agree but they are your family & the last thing you need is him not being there for you over it. I'm so sorry things are difficult on that side for you too.

Do you think your parents will ever accept it? Or does it feel like hitting a brick wall kind of thing?

I'm glad you have friends. Somebody a bit more 'away' from the situation. Do any of them know?

I don't have any friends. I'm not sure how that happened really but I don't. I have people who I talk to about day to day stuff on the school run. That's my only social interaction.

All of this nastiness started because I wanted us to get together before mum started chemo. And apparantly mum agreed that just us getting together was a stupid idea. Well she's started chemo now so that ship has sailed. And today, right now, I hope that in the back of their minds somewhere, they are all feeling a twang of guilt that they couldn't put their hate for me to the side just for an hour & sit & have a meal before things got worse for mum.

I know I sound horrible, & also, poor me!!!

I went to see my mum today. He wasn't there. Eventually she said 'He isn't here, but I didn't text you, because it seems a bit mean really, to be grabbing my phone the second he's gone out & saying 'He's gone!'

So I just said 'Yeah, it's awkward' & she said 'It is'

OP,

It is awkward, that your mother puts a convicted man ahead of her grandchildren.

What a legacy for her.
I don't feel one bit of sympathy for your mother, she has a very poor moral compass, unlike you.

Stay strong, this situation is of your mothers making.

This is all on her.

She chose a sex offender ahead of her grandchildren.

Thanks billy. I feel awful. I feel so, so sad.

I didn't even say anything at the time, I was shocked but there isn't any other way to view it, really, is there? She is choosing him over her grandchildren. And then slagging me off to anybody who will listen, saying that I won't let her see them.

She also said 'It's his home' which doesn't even make sense. I'm not asking him to leave it. I never have done. If he's leaving anyway then why the hell can't she have her grandchildren round? After all, it's her home too!

It doesn't matter now, I just feel so sad

It's awful.

So painful for you.

I'm so sorry.

You poor pet.
That's all I can say

This is a terrible grief for you.

I.have no words that can offer you any real comfort.

I am just a stranger on the net.

What I can absolutely tell you is that I would be proud to have a woman of your conviction as my mother.

You are a great woman and mother.

Does that make life easy?

Motherhood is hard.
Butbyou are a really great mother.

Conviction is a hard road.

Keep posting.

Thank you billy for your kind words. I know we are strangers, but thank you for caring enough to talk to mex

Popple you see your mother as she is not how you would like to see her and you still act is such a loving way towards her in spite of her very deep character flaws. You put your children ahead of your own needs for that mother figure which is biologically programmed into all of us and is one of the most powerful forces in a child’s life (that includes adult children as you see clearly from your sister and brother’s reactions towards your mother’s behaviour here). You are an incredibly strong person, you have fantastic integrity and you are a very kind and loving person to boot. You really are fantastic.

Thank you for posting that Muttly, it's kind of you.
I don't feel strong. I feel like I'm failing on every level. I feel like all my siblings all hate me & my own mother despises me but tolerates me because she doesn't want to be seen as 'One of those women who disownes her children'.

I'm struggling a lot. I don't think I am strong enough mentally to handle this. I'm just not. I keep trying to tell myself that I've handled things all this time, but that was with the off comment around birthdays/christmas. Not the hatred that is being thrown at me now. And mum is ill now. I just don't know what to do.

Mum is trying to get together a box of things that the chemo nurses tell her she might need, & there was one item that she hasn't managed to get hold of, I asked her yesterday & she still hasn't so I ordered some & got them delivered to her house.
Part of me was thinking 'No. Why should I?' but, it's because she's still my mum. My mum is sick. No matter how much she's hurting me, & my children, I want to ease her physical pain if I can.
The way she's behaving now, the day before my birthday was the last time my children are ever going to see their nanny(assuming the worst & she doesn't survive this)

I'm not expecting an answer to this. I know it's incoherent rambling really. Sorry.

I’ve been there Popple but in my case I had to get out for my own sanity. It was like putting yourself out there as a sacrificial lamb for their shortcomings every time. I am not as good a person as you Popple because I was raised in a very narcissistic environment and I have taken on some of those traits to get through it, but to the best of my ability I limit those tendencies to dealing with my family and the fallout from the abuse that went on in my family. The pain of them doing really shitty (frankly immoral) things to get their own needs met at my expense and at my children’s expense really hardened me towards them.

You are still a soft and kind person towards your family and that is to your credit. The thing is though you are strong, incredibly strong and even though you don’t want to have to be, that will shine through for you throughout. Xx

Thank you Muttly. I think you are an amazing person, I think it takes much more strength to walk away, & that's what you did. I hope to be as strong as you one day

I've got a lot of that anger towards my sis, but it's still mainly hurt towards my mum at the moment.

Your mother's illness complicates your emotions further but the truth is ill or not, your mother has not behaved well.

There are people who will say that a person is old now, you should forgive them the wrong them have done to you.

I think their advancement in age means nothing.

They are their bad deeds and a person is under no obligation to move on.

I think you need to try and take one day at a time.

Your sister is not a good person either.

Your family are bullies.

They cannot stand you not behaving in a way they want you to.

It really is that simple.

They cannot bear that you have not got the herd mentality and can make a different decision.

Don't accept any shit from your sister.

"I am not apologising for not allowing my children to be around a convicted sex offender" on a loop.

You are much stronger than you realise.

Don't accept their behaviour.

Thanks billy You are right of course. How easy would it be if we could turn our emotions off!

I didn't even answer my sis when she asked 'What do you actually think he's going to do?' as I think that's dam obvious & why should I spell it out to her. Whatever I said she would say I was wrong because 'reasons' anyway.

I do need to stop worrying about what will happen next. My sis isn't saying anything right now & I need to enjoy the silence!!

Sorry for the delay in reply OP.

Work mental just now.

I see you didnt have a good day, and i totally understand how you will be feeling.

The guilt and fear over her illness and passing away will be eating you up. But as another poster stated, her behaviour isnt negated by this. Its her choice to not see her GC. All because she must have him there too. No she doesnt have to immediately grab her phone the minute he goes out, but she could make a point each week of asking you over when he is at the shops or whatever. I suppose tho i would worry that he would return to the house when you and the DC were there.

sorry to hear about your friendships as well, hopefully in time stronger bonds will form with the other mums .

Yes most of my friends know, its been 5yrs now and i hid it from all but my best friend for 3yrs. It then got to the stage where i thought why am i hiding this, i havent done anything wrong!

I dont really talk about it with them anymore, there isnt much more to say. nothing has changed and i still find it incredibly difficult to discuss without getting teary. i dont like to put that on them.

anyway, i hope you are getting some sleep tonight and feel a bit brighter in the morning.

SoTiredoftheStress I never expect anybody to answer me so don't worry
I'm glad you are ok.

I suppose it's good that work is busy if it keeps your mind off things a bit! But I know it's always kind of 'there' in the back of your mind too.

I'm glad you have at least told your friends & they are on your side if you want to talk about it. I know what you mean about getting teary, it's so hard isn't it. I have thought about telling people but it's just too much of a risk that people will take it badly (understandably!) & My mum will get hurt or something.

My one friend has busied herself with her new man (standard behaviour for her, ditch me when a man comes along) for the last 2 years so that's fine, I'm here if she ever wants to talk, but before that, she asked why I barely saw my mum anymore & I said 'The new man she's with isn't very nice'. & She said 'He must be really horrible then because you don't judge people, you are nice to everybody, & you've gone from seeing her, what, twice a week to not even once a month?' & I just shrugged & nodded.

Before, when he had moved into 'her' home, he would go out & she would text me & we would go round, he would give a rough time to come back but sometimes would arrive early. That was fine, I would take the kids with me for a wee & then we'd be tidying up/putting on coats or whatever together & then we would leave... Mum used to get all panicky like 'Oh! He's back early! I'm so sorry!' & I'd be all 'Its fine!'... Which just sounds ridiculous now writing it down, doesn't it?! It sound like she used to be the one who was stressed about it & now she couldn't care less! (Don't get me wrong, I'd often be sat at the end of the road on the ground sorting out the buggy etc thinking to myself 'He could of given us some warning!')

Before they moved in together she said 'Everything will be as it always has been, nothing will change' I said to her 'Lets be realistic, it will change' & she was all 'No it won't. I promise nothing will change'.

Well. It did.

If he was a decent person. Innocent etc. Then he would be all for my mum text me when he was going out. Wouldn't he. He would be all for her maintaining contact with her grandchildren. When she first got sick I even told her I would take his phone number & he could text me himself if he was going out that day... But, of course, he isn't a nice person so that would never happen.

I'm ok. Thank you for talking to me. My emotions are all over the place, it's probably just as well that I'm single! Lonely though.

No he isn't a good person.

Standing up for what is right is never the easy road.

Your mum did what suited her ultimately at the cost to her child and grandchildren.

Over a sex offender?

She is to be pitied, to have suchba poor moral compass.

You are right, you can look yourself in the mirror and know that YOU know what is right.

As adults we all have choices to make.
You have made the best ones for your children but it has come at a cost.

Unfortunately that can be a part of parenting when you are doing your best.

You have absolutely no control over any of this so if you could look up some mindfulness tips to help you relax and manage your anxiety and stress.

This is not on you.

billy. I have some coping strategies from when I had CBT, they just don't seem to be working very well right now! I'm struggling a bit with those thoughts of... 'I am the problem & if I wasn't here anymore then everything would be ok & everybody would be happy'

But I'm trying. I'm doing ok, thank you

Well that's not true.

Your children would be absolutely devastated.

Devastated.

To lose their mum.

I think you should consider contacting your GP for support.

Don't allow this to overwhelm you.

sweetheart at a guess your mam needs to please the man she's with, because somewhere she doesn't feel strong all on her own.

She passed that need to please onto you, because people do pass their conditioning on.

You are absolutely right to take the stand you are and actually, you are much stronger than your mum. That means you can look at her with compassion. But you are doing the right thing now, by keeping your kids away and by loving her, in that order.

Keep the end goal in sight. Protecting your kids. The second goal is caring for your mum as far as you can given her choices. Your sister is a painful distraction.

you are doing so, so well.