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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:
violetbunny · 23/10/2021 04:30

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He isn't sticking to the agreement, and he isn't paying his own way. Why should he get to blow your money on alcohol and then expect you to fund the shortfall?

It's incredibly selfish and unfair of him. He isn't acting like someone who loves and respects you, he is behaving like an immature selfish child. And it's still early days for your relationship relatively speaking. I would kick him to the curb now. Move out!

Bogeyes · 23/10/2021 04:35

He is taking the piss. He will continue to take the piss and things will get worse. Get your card back. Kick him out or move out yourself. Good luck

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 23/10/2021 04:37

He is stealing from you. Kick him out.

Gingernaut · 23/10/2021 04:37

He's robbing you

Get your card back.

bevelino · 23/10/2021 04:38

OP, your bf is taking advantage and is untrustworthy. Dump him.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 23/10/2021 04:45

Yes.

KaycePollard · 23/10/2021 04:45

He’s a thief.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 23/10/2021 04:48

Get your bank card back immediately, then cancel the card and order a new one with a new pin (assuming you gave him your pin? I suppose he could be using contactless)

What is the situation with your house/flat? Rent or own? Whose name is it in? If it yours kick him out. If not, start looking for somewhere else to live.

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:55

He’s using contactless. I have cancelled my card ( can do it temporarily if you’ve misplaced the card) but will get it back from him ASAP

I rent my house and it’s in my name.

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 23/10/2021 05:03

He is totally taking the piss. Probably trying to establish how badly he can behave before you push back. Do not put up with this behaviour for another minute.
Presumably he managed to live on his money just fine before you moved in. Move right back out, this one is not a keeper, he has zero respect for you.

DriftingBlue · 23/10/2021 05:09

Kick him out.
Wait some time before you date again.
Don’t date anyone who doesn’t have their act together.
Don’t move in with anyone who isn’t ready to be a true partner in life.

rattlemehearties · 23/10/2021 05:13

Wow this is the final straw surely? Tell him it's over and to move out. No delays or excuses.

Lightswitch123 · 23/10/2021 05:14

@DriftingBlue

Kick him out. Wait some time before you date again. Don’t date anyone who doesn’t have their act together. Don’t move in with anyone who isn’t ready to be a true partner in life.
This. Sorry but you current boyfriend doesn't respect or even care for you. He is taking your money without permission to spend on crap...

imagine he'd taken cash from your wallet rather than "just" using your card without permission - he's stealing .

Get rid.

CircleofWillis · 23/10/2021 05:19

How much is rent? Can you manage it in your own if (when) you ask him to leave?

Longdistance · 23/10/2021 05:22

Can you cancel your card on the banking app? I can temporary suspend my card so no one can use it. It’ll serve him right and he can pack his bags in the morning and fuck off! He’s stealing from you.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 23/10/2021 05:27

Well down for cancelling your card. He's stealing from you, get rid

Suprima · 23/10/2021 05:32

So how much rent is he paying?

Of course he’s bloody taking advantage. Read your post again.

Player001 · 23/10/2021 05:53

I've been in your situation. Mine didn't improve until I had ended the relationship.

He has zero respect for you. You need to, and will, find someone who does.

Salt14 · 23/10/2021 05:58

I feel for you I really do.

But take it from me, this is just the start, he will continue to not pay his way, will keep coming up with excuses as to why he can't and will carry on "borrowing" money from you with no intention of paying it back.

Just the fact he's not just once, but repeatedly, used your card for purposes you didn't agree to, shows he doesn't have any respect for you or your relationship together I'm sorry to say. But I think you know that already.

I say this from experience, it is financial abuse. Do not stand for it, please. And definitely don't fall into the same trap as I keep doing. I'm learning, slowly to develop, and stick firmly, to boundaries. It's not easy. Especially as I'm assuming you love him still.

Obviously I don't know him, or the ins and outs of your relationship. If you want to try and stay together, you need to have an open and frank discussion. Lay down your expectations, what you will no longer be doing for him, and consequences if he doesn't stick to a mutually agreed plan of payment. Prepare all of this ahead of the conversation.

You sound like you would like to give him benefit of the doubt, but only you know when enough is enough.

Personally from what you've said, he's crossed that line already. Get rid and learn to love yourself again. Wishing you all the very best 😘

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 06:05

Agree with pp, this is stealing and financial abuse. He doesn't sound great in other ways either - lying, lazy etc.

I would tell him to leave ASAP. And I would change the pin on my bank card/change any passwords etc just in case. You can't stay with someone like this, and he won't change. He'll only get worse.

Sorry this has happened OP.

Muchmorethan · 23/10/2021 06:18

@Loui98 - What are you going to do about your relationship?

Fdksyihfd · 23/10/2021 06:20

Pack his stuff and tell him to find someone else to take money from. There is nothing about this that is ok and it doesn’t point towards a promising financial future

MozzarellaMonster · 23/10/2021 06:26

He's not a keeper.

TidyDancer · 23/10/2021 06:40

Cock lodger.

His reaction to you cancelling the card will tell you a lot. But he's already shown he has no respect for you. There should be give and take in any decent relationship but he's all take.

This man is not a keeper.

Lana07 · 23/10/2021 06:44

This financially irresponsible behaviour would put me off.

I'd write down what he owns to pay back what he promised and give him 3 months maximum to do it.

If he didn't grow up and it happened again I'd leave.

What job does he do?