Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:

Justcannotbearsed · 23/10/2021 10:17

He’s not your responsibility. Change the locks and get rid.

RantyAunty · 23/10/2021 10:17

He can get a room share near where he works can't he.
How long did you know him before he moved in?

He needs to go. He's a drunken, thief, and cocklodger.

butterflyze · 23/10/2021 10:18

@TeaStory

He gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…

He should have thought of that before he started stealing from you.

Exactly.

He doesn't appear to have got the message that you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Ungrateful cocklodging git. He needs to sling his hook and pay his own way.

And take this as a lesson learned and never give your bank card to someone else.

Greatdomestic · 23/10/2021 10:20

What an idiot.

Get your card back and ask him to leave. Don't have anything else to do with this man, he's a total loser.

Where he goes is his problem.

From what you have written, he has been pushing by reducing what he gives you each week.

Don't get stuck in a relationship with a financial vampire. He will happily spend all of his money and yours and leave you to worry about rent and bills.

Where I grew up there was a big factory. On payday, even after a night shift, there were always wives outside the factory gates. They knew if they didn't get money from their husband's wages as soon as he got it, they would get no money that week.

That's always stayed with me, so humiliating for them.

Don't end up like them, taking all of the financial responsibility.

beautifulview · 23/10/2021 10:20

Tell him not to come back! He’s using you as a cash machine!!!

MarigoldMoonStone · 23/10/2021 10:20

He is fully taking the piss and in my experience it won't get better. Do yourself a massive favour and kick him out now x

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2021 10:23

Op who cares if he’s no where to go. He’s not a child. He’s a grown man. He can sort himself out like any other adult

The man is stealing from you, daily. Why would you even consider staying with a man who is treating you so disrespectfully like this. And lying to your face. He doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s using you and letting you know it. And other than eventually blocking your card and being scared to tell him you’re letting him.

ExcitedtoTry · 23/10/2021 10:33

He’s treating you with zero respect and you’re treating him like your teenage child.

He is an adult and finding housing is his problem. Of course let him kip on the sofa if he really have no where to go in those first few days but if he’s out with friends… they probably have a sofa to offer him.

Seriously, not your problem.

caringcarer · 23/10/2021 10:35

Kick him out op he is using you as a means of cash.

SuperSange · 23/10/2021 10:35

@Loui98

Sorry for the confusion it was late when I posted, he has moved in with me.

He called me this morning from his work and I asked him if he used my card (he doesn’t know it’s been cancelled) and he said I did use it but I get paid so was going to pay you back. On the same phone call I’ve learnt that he’s just blown his weeks wage on whatever it was he was doing last night.

The reason why I thought is it ‘OTT’ is if I kick him out he has nowhere to go. He gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…

So he's robbed you and he has nowhere to go? He should have considered that first, surely?

He needs to go. Or it'll keep happening.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 23/10/2021 10:35

Jesus OP...

This is a classic NMFP (Not my fucking problem)

Behaviours have Consequences.
If you behave like a thieving scummer who doesnt pay rent... it means you forfeit your right to the accomodation you were cocklodging in.

If he wasnt a theiving untrustworthy scummy man he wouldnt be in this situation.

Pack his stuff and leave it by or outside the door.
Demand the key back.

Original poster

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 10:45

He has been paying rent just not for the last two weeks. (Yesterday and the week before) I am not making excuses for him at all but just to clarify, he has been paying money (tbh he just gives money, I pay my own rent and the money goes towards food and bills) but as I said, slowly he has started to decrease it as he took a job back in his own city and said he’s paying too much in fuel. But I have been giving him money for fuel too. He is taking the piss. He rang me this morning to tell me he slept on the street (the friend that took his car key off him is the one I called so no doubt he will blame me) I hung up on him after he said he blew his wage and I haven’t heard from him since. but if he didn’t take his key, and he has no phone what was I to do, other than to ask his friend if he’s seen him. He has previously told me not to contact his friend as they will just think I’m a psycho but yesterday his friend rang me and told me to kick him out too. He said he’s taking the piss, he was driving around having had beers and had spent his wage and advised me to kick him out too. His friends probably know more about his irresponsible behaviour than I do

OP posts:

updownroundandround · 23/10/2021 10:47

He thinks so little of you that he actually steals from you.

He lies to you.

He is irresponsible and untrustworthy. (And I doubt that money is the only thing he lies about tbh)

You did nothing to deserve to be treated so badly.

Pack up his crap and throw him out. Where he goes is not your concern. If he really wanted things to work with you (and actually loved/respected you), then he wouldn't be lying and stealing from you, to say nothing about staying out all night and getting blind drunk !

It's more probable that he wanted to move in with you because he's not been paying his rent where he used to live and has probably done a 'moonlight flit' to your place.

You deserve much, much more.

(Also never give your card to a boyfriend or even a friend ffs ! No-one should ever have access to your bank accounts ever ! If you want to lend someone money, then you take it out of the bank and you hand over the cash !)

Original poster

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 10:49

I’ve read a lot about cocklodging on here and I didn’t think it applied to him as he was initially paying money. But the thing is, let’s say he gives £100 for food and bills, that doesn’t cover the money he’s been taking when using my card so I guess essentially he’s not really paying his own way

OP posts:

inappropriateraspberry · 23/10/2021 10:50

He lies to you, spends your money, as well as all his own, and has stopped paying you rent. Throw him out and don't think about him again! This is not how responsible adults operate.
How old are you OP? Because he sounds like a teenager.

SirGawain · 23/10/2021 10:51

Original poster

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 10:53

Yes I’ve learnt my mistake and will never give my card to anyone. When he goes to work in the morning this is what he does ‘I’m really low on fuel, I’ll have to take my bosses number down so I can call him from the petrol station to make a payment but if he don’t answer I’m fucked’ then yesterday I said you can take my card but only fill up if you absolutely need to. Then he said ok I promise. And lo and behold I check and he’s used it for fuel and other things. He seems to think that because he gives me money he can then use my card but being oblivious to the fact that he’s just essentially paying back what he’s used and not paying his own way at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 10:53

We are both 30.

OP posts:

NothingIsWrong · 23/10/2021 10:55

I'd be spending the day changing the locks, packing his stuff and cancelling the card, to be honest

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 23/10/2021 10:56

This is a pretty simple one op. He's stealing from you and treating you with utter disrespect , the house is in your name and you have no children together. He's got to go hasn't he? A nice clean break can be achieved easily.

I'm sorry you're going through this , but better now than years down the line.

Also. Please , please don't let anyone use your bank card. I wouldn't even let my husband use mine.

TeaStory · 23/10/2021 10:57

So he’s not only a cocklodger and a thief, but he’s manipulative too.

RandomMess · 23/10/2021 10:58

Yep he's a man child cocklodger. Paid his way enough to get his feet under the table and hope the sunken cost fallacy would stop you realising what was going on.

bogeythefungusman · 23/10/2021 10:59

If he's taken a job back in his home town he can't actually have moved that far to be with you. By your post up thread I thought you meant he'd moved half way across the country........

Notaroadrunner · 23/10/2021 10:59

Dump him. Where he lives is not your problem but you should have more respect for yourself than to let this sponging, drunken prick financially abuse you like this. Tell him to pack his things today and then change the locks.

TravelLost · 23/10/2021 11:00

Yep, I’d listen to the friends (and that’s probably the REAL reason why he didn’t want to talk to them!).

If he has no phone, no car etc… once again, he CHOOSE IT with his behaviour. Not your issue at all. He’ll find a way. I suspect he is one of those men who always find a way.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14