Is my bf taking advantage - finances

[Loui98]

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

I didn’t know about the bank account till recently. He is just reckless in his behaviour but was quite good at hiding it but recently everything has been coming out

Apparently he spent the night on the streets last night. After I contacted his friend asking if he knew where he was, the friend found him and managed to take his car keys off him as he didn’t want him driving home as he looked drunk

How fucking unattractive. What was the thing that means he can't have a bank account?

He's an expert manipulator and sponge. Beware that he'll turn up somehow with a sob story about being mugged or something elseawful that wasn't his fault. Tearfully telling you about his bad childhood and drug addiction that only you can help him with cos he loves you and wants to change. You need to harden your heart and protect yourself.

@Loui98

He spent £90 over the course of three days. I won’t let him back in. There’s no way he will be able to get here anyway as I’m not sure if he’s managed to get the keys back off his friend and even if he did, he has no fuel to get here as I’ve blocked my card.

Call the friend and ask him to post the keys directly back to you.

ah sorry, I meant house keys.

Yes I think he has drug addictions. He does deny it or will say he uses it on the odd occasion but on a Friday night instead of coming back here he decided to get wasted with his friends instead without even having the decency to tell me he’ll be out

If I am honest, I feel as though I shouldn’t have contacted the friend? The only reason I did is because the friend constantly messages me asking where my bf is if he’s late for work (they work together) so yesterday when I seen hed been using my card and hadn’t turned up I did message him saying ‘is x still at work he’s not turned up yet’ and then the friend went to look for him and maybe made things worse. If I messaged him does it make me look controlling… when my bf has no phone and is impossible to get hold of I had no other option

He’s got very poor credit if he can’t a bank account, even bankrupts can get bank accounts fgs, albeit basic ones.

He’s 30, he’s not a kid anymore. He’ll just have to cope. He sounds a train wreck tbh. Red flag bunting all over him, possibly addiction problems too?.

Mens friends don’t ring up their mates gf unless somethings very bad.

I'm glad you are leaning towards getting rid of this arse. Even his friend is advising you to kick him out.

Stay strong here and don't pander to any sob story he may try on you (nowhere to go, no money etc.).

Your boyfriend is a Loser with a capital L.

He can sleep in his car. Pack his stuff into bin liners and leave it outside.

He can’t lie to me about what happend as the friend already found him last night and rang me to tell me. If he didn’t do that, then no doubt he would have turned up at around 2-3am with a sob story.

I don’t know what happened to his bank account. Apparently one closed because he hasn’t used it for years and years and I’m not too sure about the other one

@Fluffycloudland77 I text his friend asking if he knew where he was and then he rang me. He didn’t initiate the contact last night

He’s 30 and he can’t have a bank account because of ‘something he did’ (dread to think what it was.). He sounds like a waster and definitely into drugs/drink and can’t be trusted.

Never ever give anyone your card, for precisely this reason. I wouldn’t even give my card to my husband when I was married!

This needs to be a wake up call OP.

Is there somewhere you can send his stuff? Family/friends/work?

Are you sure he doesn't have any keys? Raise your bar next time.

He didn’t have to ring you. Dh has never felt the need to ring any of his friends partners/wives. He’s motor trade so it’s not like he’s not known enough to cause a few divorces either.

You have just moved in and he is already causing you problems.

It sounds as if you have moved in to his place, so why are you the one taking responsibility for rent? - why is he paying it to you and not the other way round?

There is no point in pursuing a relationship where you feel you cannot trust him over money - it will be a running sore all your life if you do not call time on it. You do not need this.

he no longer has access to a bank account due to something he did so he will find it very very hard to rent a place

OP you're not his partner, you're his latest mug. Don't be. He's got himself into all kinds of shit and thinks he's found his next meal ticket and cash point in you.

Don't let him in your house ever again. None of his issues are in any way your responsibility. And if you're thinking of it as he gave up everything to move in with you, that's not how he sees it. He moved in because all he saw was ££ signs in his eyes. The early on time payments were just to sweeten you up in the hope that you'd feel exactly as you are (in moments) doing. Stop it!!

Ah, you're a wind-up merchant.

Controlling, to want to know where he is and what hes doing, while he is spending your money. Let me guess, he has told you in the past that your perfectly reasonable expectations of him to behave decently towards you, and like a responsible adult, make you "controlling".

"Please don't spend my money on drink and drugs"
"You're controlling"
"Please don't lie to me about why you want my card"
"You're controlling"
etc.

That's not controlling, its expecting the absolute minimum from a grown adult. How has he melted your head to make you think that your expectations are unreasonable??

So to avoid him accusing you of being controlling, you have let him walk all over you. I think you need to find out why that was, so it doesn't happen to you again.

His own friend has told you to dump him that says alot esepcially a male friend

dont feel bad for trying to find out where he is your a good person

Blimey, he must have thought all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once when he moved in with you. Free board and lodgings, sex on tap and he can use your card to buy whatever he likes, as well as splurge all his own wages. (Probably does cashback with your card half the time and uses it to pay you with your own money).

For crying out loud - kick this absolute loser out of your home.

Wow, Change your locks, pack his stuff up, agree a time for him to collect it and then dump it on the doorstep half an hour before he is due and go out. You don't need a waster in your life, he won't change and you deserve better than a pissed up druggie with no money.

OP, if he is lving with you then he should be on the tenancy, but thank god he isn't because that means you can kick him right back out again. His problems are not your concern, he has lied to you and stolen from you, repeatedly. He was prepared to drink and drive.

His own friend has told you to get rid of him. There aren't many reasons why you wouldn't be allowed a bank account, it's often because a bank is owed fees or an overdraft. My XH was a former bankrupt and you are allowed a very basic bank account.

This is not going to change or get any better, the man is showing you his true colours and the last thing you want to do is marry him or have a family with him.

Pack his bags, put them outside the door and get the locks changed (advise your estate agent or landlord, and give them a set too).

For your own sake and future happiness, you really do need to end this now

"The reason why I thought is it ‘OTT’ is if I kick him out he has nowhere to go. He gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…"

So the hell what?. He is not your problem, where he goes is not your problem. He's been more than happy to sponge off you and otherwise disrespect you since moving in. Stop enabling him in this altogether and do not further act as some sort of rehab centre for him.

His friend's told you to kick him out and he has likely known this individual far longer than you have.

Men also do not on the while readily phone their mate's gf unless something is very bad.

You should also read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

The reason why I thought is it ‘OTT’ is if I kick him out he has nowhere to go. He and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…

Yeah, he does.
He's a liar, a thief, & a spendthrift waster.
People like him always have a back-up mug they can fall back on when the current squeeze rumbles them.

I'd say you have a cocklodger, but he's moved beyond that into a fully fledged conman.

What has happened to you in your early life or past relationships that has made your sense of self so low that you even have to ask if this waster is taking advantage?
Of course he is! - he targeted you as an initially cheap & then free roof over his head, is happy to eat your food, live off your income, blow all his, & then steal from your bank account.

Protect yourself. Get him the fuck out of your house with no notice.
Where he goes is up to him. One of his drinking buddies will put him up if he doesn't have a new woman lined up yet.

PS I am going to be brutal here OP - because I am concerned you are not getting the gravity of the situation you are in with this man. He did NOT gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me - he chose you as the next mark he is going to parasitically drain until he moves onto the next one.

I am also concerned that he will get nasty when he knows the gig's up & you tell him to leave. Can you get some burly mates round, to be on the scene when you sack this conman & tell him to leave your house?
And then change the locks, & block the fucker on every platform you have.

I am sorry you have been used, & hope you can take some positive from the situation in that you will spot this type at 1000 yards in future. Here's some homework that might help you with that -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21