Is my bf taking advantage - finances

[Loui98]

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

@Loui98

I actually didn’t want a hamster, he is the one that wanted one and brought it in and said if I don’t warm to the hamster within x amount of time then he will find it a home elsewhere.

Um ... but this is exactly the same story he sold you about HIMSELF!

But you have not warmed to him, so why has he not now found himself a home elsewhere?

You don't think that might be because he ... IS A COMMITTED LIAR & thief, do you OP?

Is he sacked yet?

I highly doubt he would would do anything disparate to himself. Don't guys like this always threaten they'll do themselves in when they are facing potential breakups?

Most probably he'll end up at his dads until he gets another woman to worry about him and I bet that happens very quickly. The reason his dad is spinning a woeful story to you is because he doesn't want to step up as a parent and take responsibility for his son.

You've had two threads about this guy and the consensus is to dump him. I think you should listen to these wise women.

@Loui98

Who said I won’t kick him out? My previous post stated that this morning after using my phone he’s gone. I was expressing the thought process behind previously allowing him to stay

So, when he comes back (and he probably will), you won’t let him in? When he’s being a drunken nuisance on your doorstep and refusing to leave, will you ring the police?

@Loui98

Easier said than done. He doesn’t have a phone, money etc imagine if he just decided to Kill himself or whatever. When I told him to go he was saying no one will ever have to deal with him again. I know he’s manipulative and thinking he may kill himself or whatever seems ott but you just don’t know and I don’t imagine Id be in a great place myself If he did do that. I know that I’m not responsible for him or his behaviour and that actions have consequences but he’s put himself in such a position that he literally doesn’t hve anything and i guess that made it a bit harder to kick him out as I know he is impulsive and doesn’t think straight

For those saying I like drama etc and that’s why I’m staying with him that couldn’t be further from the truth. If I do cave in to him it’s because I’m conscious of the fact that he has nothing, last week he at least had a job, this week he has nothing. I know it’s not my problem but if something did happen to him I would blame myself…

YOU ARE STILL FOOLING YOURSELF.

He can borrow money & access to a phone from his friends, if he has any left. He can go & sleep on his dad's sofa, or in an emergency shelter.

If he says he is going to kill himself, your sole responsibility is to call the police, who will do a welfare check. You know he won't kill himself though - no? It is one of the most commonly used manipulations in The Script all abusive men use.

There is something deep within you that would rather remain co-dependent with this "impulsive & doesn't think straight" man than boot him out & let him find his own solutions to his own problems.

It's the kind of deep-seated dysfunction that causes perfectly nice women to strike up penpal relationships with prisoners, even violent offenders ... & enter a "romantic" relationship with them on their release.
The poor saps don't cotton on that they are not the man's g/f, but a roof & a free shag until their bank account's been drained & their mental health ruined.

You are doing exactly this OP.
Please - if nothing else - read the article in the Shark Cage Metaphor link upthread. Who knows, it may even inspire you to start investing in your own mental health, instead of having your money stolen or frittered away on this waster.

@ChargingBuck The dead dad thread is…wow! Thank you for linking it. I have no words!

@Loui98

All he has is his hamster

Ok, I get it. You are taking the piss.

Sorry PP couldn't help you. Bye.

@Loui98

All he has is his hamster

Dying

How am I taking the piss, the hamster thing is all true. I started writing something else about him but then just changed it to that

@ExcitedtoTry I was actually laughing when I typed that because I got a flash back of him today taking his little hamster in his pocket and it’s actually funny. Yesterday when he was drunk it wasn’t funny but today it is

@Loui98

All he has is his hamster

I think you should keep the hamster and change the locks.

I don’t want to keep the hamster it will remind me of him. I will take it back to the pet store for adoption

[quote Loui98]@ExcitedtoTry I was actually laughing when I typed that because I got a flash back of him today taking his little hamster in his pocket and it’s actually funny. Yesterday when he was drunk it wasn’t funny but today it is[/quote]
That’s the best post I’ve ever read. Thanks for making me laugh!

Ok, I get it. You are taking the piss. Sorry PP couldn't help you. Bye.

Yeah I read that and thought, oh half term!

If I was going to take the piss, I’d make it a bit more interested than mentioning a bliming hamster a week after I made my initial thread.

Interesting *

Change your locks so he can't come back and the threat of him possibly coming back isn't looming over you, and get on with your life.

If he comes back, and says sits on your lawn begging and is on your property tell him to leave - if he doesn't he's trespassing, and you can and should this time call the police to have him removed.

I entirely agree that you should change the locks. He sounds pathetic and an absolute waste of space. Do try not to be a soft touch: you are not responsible for him, he is a grown man who should be able to look after himself.

I have seen too many friends who continued to cave in like you, got sucked into the mire of their man child DPs' lives and have yet to re-emerge.

The reason his dad is spinning a woeful story to you is because he doesn't want to step up as a parent and take responsibility for his son.

Say what now? The son is 30 fucking years old, how about he takes responsibility for himself!

What sort of background do you come from, that at 30 you would want such a mess of a life?

He is a complete waster?

Why would you want to be with such a waster?

Genuine question.

imagine if he just decided to Kill himself or whatever

Then that would be entirely on him, it would be nothing to go with you.

The thing is, though, OP, they never, ever do. It's just one of the ways they manipulate you.

I got caught by one of these in my first year in college. I wanted rid of him but He would somehow always think of something which would make me pause.

One day, he say but ... and I just laughed, the manipulation was just so obvious. He cleared out then, Hd saw he had lost his hold over me. He had a new girlfriend within 24hrs. They always do.

Just respect yourself. Change the locks.

Enjoy the rest of your life.

He is killing himself, and you’re helping.

You keep letting him stay because 'he has nothing else', but he'll still have nothing else next week, next month, next year. He's purposefully burned every other bridge to trap you because he knows you're susceptible to guilt and you're not going to let the hamster sleep rough. If he can use the hamster to manipulate you then get rid of it right now. Take it back to Pets at Home, or wherever. You need to remove all tools he can use to coerce you.

Put his stuff outside, call the police, and block him on everything. You cave under face to face pressure, most people would cave when faced with an aggressive drug user in their living room, so don't see him face to face anymore. Play to your strengths - a locked door and radio silence.

Also his dad has an absolute neck to give him train fare back to your house! Ridiculous behaviour. As if you're responsible for a 30 year old man; you've only been together for a few months.

I can understand that you feel sorry for him. He has burnt all his bridges and his friends and family don't want to know so he really is in dire straits.
But it is all his own doing and if you continue to prop him up he is going to drag you down too. He will ruin your self esteem, your finances and your mental health.
He is already a long way down a dark road and if he has a drink and drugs problem he probably will abuse you , definitely emotionally and verbally and probably physically too. Life with him will only get worse.
Be kind to yourself and let him go. Please. 💐

And you have cancelled your card now OP, haven't you?