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Original poster

ExH wants DS to share a room with him and his gf on holiday

258 replies

VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 15:47

To give some background I have a very acrimonious relationship with him: he had an affair with a colleague, lying, gaslighting etc. Now lives with her so I wasn't going crazy!

Whenever he doesn't get his own way it's always me that's unreasonable and he always plays the victim.

He wants to take DS abroad with his 'partner' next year, DS will be 14.5. He thinks it's ok for them to all share the same room. They did it this year and I didn't realise, I was quite shocked to be honest. It was in this country and only for a few days so he didn't have to get consent. He's asked for my consent this time as it's overseas.

I've said I think it's unacceptable for DS to share a room with his dad and another woman for 7-10 days and that he needs to get an apartment or a partitioned room so DS has some privacy.

Apparently this is unreasonable and makes the holiday too expensive. It will be my fault that DS doesn't get to go abroad if I refuse to back down.

He's just come back from a trip abroad for just him and her so the lack of money/cost side doesn't wash. But obviously fits with playing the victim and making me feel like I'm in the wrong as usual.

If I was to go away with my partner and DS I wouldn't dream of the 3 of us sharing one room.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
TheChip · 22/10/2021 15:49

No. I dont think you are. What does your son think?

PleasantBirthday · 22/10/2021 15:49

Honestly, I think that's really weird.

What does your son think about this?

I mean, I'm working on the assumption that they will be fully clothed and only behaving appropriately during the holiday.

NellieBertram · 22/10/2021 15:50

I don't see that it's a huge problem to be honest, lots of families share a room on holiday.

Fdksyihfd · 22/10/2021 15:52

I wouldn’t say unacceptable but it’s not ideal; it mainly depends on how your son feels about it to be honest. If he’s ok with it and they respect privacy by getting changed in the bathroom etc then I don’t see that it’s a massive issue

Fdksyihfd · 22/10/2021 15:53

Although I wouldn’t want to go on holiday and share a room with my DSD for that long for my own privacy as much as hers

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 22/10/2021 15:53

YANBU i have step children and theres absolutely no way id consent to sharing a room with them on holiday, id be so uncomfortable and i expect they would too. Ive been part of their lives for 10yrs and they are both young adults now but even though we are all comfortable being in pj's in front of each other non of us would want to share a bedroom.

Palavah · 22/10/2021 15:54

Wow, if i were her there's no way I'd want to share a room with a 14 year old stepson.

RedMarauder · 22/10/2021 15:56

I can see two people in this arrangement who would suffer from sharing a room like that, and it isn't your son's father.

As your son is 14 ask him if he's happy sharing like that. If he is give consent, and if he isn't don't give consent.

cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 15:59

I don't see that it's a huge problem to be honest, lots of families share a room on holiday.

Very true, but usually its when its both parents of the children, not one and his new partner.

I think a young child, no issue at all, but 14.5 is a bit odd for them not to consider getting him his own room.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. How does DS feel though? Would it mean he misses out on the holiday? Do you think this is actually exH plan though as does he actually want DS on the holiday? But knowing you'll say no, could be his way of not looking like the bad guy.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 15:59

Your ex is totally unreasonable. It's wholly inappropriate for your son to share a bedroom with his father's girlfriend at his age.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 22/10/2021 16:03

YABVVVVVU.

It's a holiday. For a short period. What's the issue? Surely they all get changed in the bathroom. What other problem can you envisage? This is making an absolute mountain out of a molehill. You're taking out your anger on your son, whom I assume would want to enjoy a holiday.

Stop being ridiculous. This is a non issue.

Shmithecat2 · 22/10/2021 16:11

Yanbu OP. The lack of privacy for everyone would be awkward as hell for me. I'm on holiday with DH and DS (6yo) now, and we've got an apartment where the sitting room can be partitioned off as another bedroom for DS.

Tiramiwho · 22/10/2021 16:13

The fact that they enjoyed a holiday recently with just the two of them shows where their priorities lie and it isn't everyone with your Son's comfort.
It's completely out of order. Makes me feel really uncomfortable actually.
Confused
I would definitely be talking my Son out of it, but understand that the final decision lies with him at his age..🤔

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2021 16:13

At 14.5 what does your son think? It is him who will be doing it and decide his own comfort levels

Original poster
VivaVegas · 22/10/2021 16:14

I've suggested he just needs to get a 1 bedroom apartment or a partitioned room and then the problem is solved.

DS doesn't even like me going in his room now unless I knock!

OP posts:
Firesidefox · 22/10/2021 16:14

That is unkind to your son. YADNBU

QueenofLouisiana · 22/10/2021 16:15

I last shared a room with DS at a similar age, but there was a partition in between the bed spaces and I shared a bed with his father! Even before then, ideally, we had an apartment so could have separate spaces.

Although I agree it definitely adds to the cost, so do most aspects of having older children.

ThePoliceOfficer · 22/10/2021 16:15

I think your son is old enough to make the decision himself tbh. He’s already done it on one holiday - was he ok with that?

hulahoopqueen · 22/10/2021 16:18

I initially read this as 4.5 and was a bit baffled TBH.

14.5 though - that is weird. I speak as someone who shared a room with my mum and SDad at the same age and felt thoroughly uncomfortable about it. 1-2 nights is one thing, 7-10 is absolutely not OK.
If they can't afford for him to have his own space at that age then they shouldn't be taking him IMO - though I think it should be up to your DS to make that call.

Pinkbonbon · 22/10/2021 16:19

A 14 year old boy should not be sharing a bedroom with a woman. I'm surprised she surprised she is not extremely uncomfortable about it. Infact I suspect she is but it falls on deaf ears.

That being said, he is old enough to decide of he wants to go or not at his age. Chances are that if it feels uncomfortable for him then he won't want to go.

I would have a discussion with him about respect, consent and privacy though.

You need to make sure your boy knows that the way your partner treats women is not something he should emulate himself. To discus the abuse that you went through and to make it clear that it was not acceptable - so you left. He is old enough to know the full extent.

If he witnesses his father treating this woman disrespectfully, I would hope that he would be the sort of person who steps in and protects her. Even if you dont like her.

I would ask him to take her aside (away from his dad) infaxt and ask if SHE is comfortable sharing sharing room with him. He is old enough to show that respect.

Winceybincey · 22/10/2021 16:24

I have to go against the grain here. Me, hubby and my daughter (he’s her step dad) went abroad one year and shared a room. She was 13 and she had an amazing time. 5 years on she still talks about that holiday. There was no awkwardness, got changed in the bathroom. We were hardly ever in the room.

It’s just a holiday and they’ll be having so much fun and probably only use the room to sleep and shower… assuming the shower is in a separate room? I don’t agree with previous posters of talking your son out of it. If your son wants to go then let him.

I really don’t see any issue with this.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2021 16:26

It doesnt matter what others do and what others are comfortable with - every family, every person has their own boundaries and comfort levels for things.

The question is whether @VivaVegas your son has an issue with it. And if he does whether he would ever feel comfortable raising with his Dad and can be open and honest with him. If he cant then that is an even bigger issue than the holiday and sharing a room

bloodybloodypilotlight · 22/10/2021 16:27

It’s slightly different because it was my dad (not my step father) but I went on holiday with my dad and my younger sister when I was 18 and the three of us shared a hotel room. It wouldn’t ever have occurred to me that we wouldn’t have done, I was just happy to be on holiday! We all (obviously) wore pyjamas and took our clothes to the bathroom with us to get changed after our shower. We were fine.

I am quite surprised about the number of people saying how unreasonable it is. It’s not unheard of on here for children of 11+ to like to sleep in their parents bed, but it’s inappropriate for a 14 year old to share a hotel room with his dad and his dad’s partner (not ‘partner’)… I genuinely don’t understand! Confused

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/10/2021 16:31

You say they did it this year. How did your son feel about it? Surely it's up to him

trulyconfuseddotcom · 22/10/2021 16:37

It's up to your son, really. I have a 13-y-o daughter who mostly lives with me and my husband (her stepdad). We often all go on holiday in our small caravan together and it's totally fine. Last year we went to Ibiza on holiday and had a family room which was a double bed and a sofa bed, it was quite companionable really. Everyone got changed in the bathroom and there was no shagging, obviously! We're doing something similar in Feb next year. We're all out during the day anyway, the room is pretty much just somewhere to sleep. The important thing is that she's comfortable with it - we wouldn't do it if she wasn't.

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